Looking in-Looking out.

My last entry was written out of sheer fit of anger and frustration at my self and the world and because of this i have offended the person i most hold dearly in my life and for this i am deeply regretful and sorry. My feelings however does not change as i have alot of personal house cleaning to do yet before I am called before the ALMighty. I will strive to unravel and untangle all the causes of my nurotic behaviour, the causes of my addictions and lack of self esteem. I will not give up and live what remains of my life in self denial, I need to know the answers to why was I being born in the first place!
God I have asked time and time but the answers is slow in coming and the Buddhas well the Buddhas are off somewhere meditating over the fate of mankind in this Dharma ending age and the only place i can turn to in within. They say the heart is a lonely hunter and my heart has been bleeding all these years no one knows and not many cared. As far as this physical life is concern I have ceased to exist a long time ago and it is only the fear of damnation that stopped me from committing suicide, not that I have not tried. I have danced with the devil on many ocassion and i have cursed God out of my senseless ignorance on many lonely nights of my spiritual nadir. But like a cowardly soul I repented time and again beseiging God to forgive me, trusting in His Infinite Mercy for my embittered soul.
Yes I am abnormal, I have always been afraid to say so out loud in the past but now as I am about to embark upon my meditation into death iteslf I will admit that mentally I am on the brink of insanity, simply because I think too much! What i am writing is the tip of the iceburg of my thoughts as i cannot keep up with my fingers tapping on to the screen my thoughts as they present their stories. My mind has its own life and refuses to give up no matter what i tried to hold it back from pouring out like an incessant obsession. It is as thoguh if i do not spit out all my grievances, expunge all the demons that has been haunting me from within, get rid opf all the skelitons inhabitng my clossets, I will never find peace of mind. Eversince i started keeping my journals and now followed by my blogging, writing is for me as close as it gets to the process of healing myself much more so than with sketching and paintings.
One lesson my father taught me that I have taken to heart seriously all my adult life is to meditate as much as i can. It was as though he knew what my problem would be as i get older, it was as though he had a good intuition that my past will haunt me and that I will be at the mercy of what is being called a timeweight. Carrying the burden of time in one's mind in the form of past experiences manifesting themselves more and more vividly as one gets older. ironiccaly it is like aan anti-theses to enlightenment. So what do i do about it? How do i face my predicament now that i am beginning to have a sense of its nature? Let it break me to pieces with gory details of my past, smash whatever is left of my sense of reality, my belief in God and my sanity. yes, drugs and alcohol did it most of the time while I was in the US, but that was just the crutch at the time and easily accessible. Here, I decided to turn to God, Allah and my spiritual strength, sometimes I win and sometimes the devils does!
If not for my children and my responsibilty towards them I would now have been interned in a Buddhist monastry either in Thailand or better yet in Sri Lanka where i can examine my head with some help from the environment. I find Buddhism still to be the best vehicle for me to practice in attempting to understand life and my predicaments in it and through my right understanding eventually and hopefully I will find my soul and worship the AlMighty. Untill then I am just another denizen of darkness groping in the world for the light of truth while knowing in essence that it is within me all these while. it is my ignorance that deludes me and veiled me from seeing what is before my eyes and for as long as i live i refuse to give in and surrender my soul to anything or anyone without first coming face to face with who I am.
I am not your sacrificial cow!! I refuse to be slaughtered to appease God!

"I do not desire suffering; yet fool I am, I desire the cause of suffering!"
Shantideva