The journey to the Lord of Power revisited

For two days now I have been working my body to the ground and now i feel the aches and pains like never before, the worse is like have a tennis elbow or as a friend mentioned it could be the setting in of osteoarthritis or something like that. Man could i use a good massage and a sauna treatment right about now! The process of aging? Some things you just cannot hold back even if you meditate and contemplate, pray and exercise for what it is worth, when it is time, it is time. It is not a good feeling this sense of being defeated at such an early stage in the game, I have yet to bring to fruit many more actions in my life, actions that I had sewed in motion long ago consciously or unconsciously ever since i started to experiment with my life. I got this notion of 'life being an experiment' when I first read Mahatma Ghandi's life and works.

"Control in any form is harmful to total understanding. A disciplined existence is a life of conformity; in conformity there is no freedom from fear. Habit destroys freedom; habit of thought, habit of drinking and so on makes for a superficial and dull life. Organized religion with its beliefs, dogmas and rituals denies the open entry into the vastness of mind. It is this entry that cleanses the brain of space-time. Being cleansed, the brain can then deal with time-space. "

"When you look at this life of action—the growing tree, the bird on the wing, the flowing river, the movement of the clouds, of lightning, of machines, the action of the waves upon the shore—then you see, do you not, that life itself is action, endless action that has no beginning and no end. It is something that is everlastingly in movement, and it is the universe, God, bliss, reality. But we reduce the vast action of life to our own petty little action in life, and ask what we should do, or follow some book, some system. "— Krishnamurti, Bombay 1958

Whatever happened to the auto suggestion that i had been imprinting upon my mind since i was a teenager?...
"I am Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful,
Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious and happy!... and I can do What I will to Do!
In Sha'Allah!"
Has it taken any effect on my life now that i look back over the sixty odd years? Have i failed or have i succeed in achieving whatever it is that i had envisioned my life to? Who is making the observation and who is making the conclusion. One of my failures in life is to establish good rapport with my two remaining siblings each of whom has an axe of one form or another an unforgivable act i have committed against them or their family members, because even their children i noticed had treated me with disdain whenever we meet by chance, like they are qualified to do so. Whatever it is, I have tried, in the effort to be a good Muslim made a special trip to see them with my daughter on the third day of Aidil Adzhar to seek their forgiveness and reconciliation, a Muslim thing to do. I I felt impelled to do this for some odd reason even when a part of me, my ego, said fuck it. I had the feeling that either one of the three of us is about to meet his Maker soon. Consulted and took the advice of my good friend Latif or 'Mamu' the Union Man, at the Farouk Coffe shop and informed a few people significant in my life like my sisters and and my cousins here in Penang of my intention to end this discord with my brothers. I am not a great Muslim but I try my damnedest to follow the dictates of the Prophet whenever it is needed of me to do so. it is hell for those who cannot find reconciliation between kith and kin. I have done my part, as far as the religion is concern. I got to meet and express my regrets to my eldest brother to which his comments were i have disappointed him. I failed to meet my twin as he was out playing golf when i visited his home where i met his wife who among other things told me that I shoulder make my way to Mecca and perform the Haj for I am a sinner and have much to atone for. My failures in life?
My two children has finally got to become Malaysian citizens, whoop-dee-doo! Whatever it entails at least I do not have to visit the Immigration department except to make their Malaysian Passport or renew mine. Almost ten years and the death of my wife, the nasty accidents that i was involved in while driving to get these paper works resolved. One of these involve my cousin Mohd. Kalam's car while driving from one Education department to another to get some foreign student fees paid for my daughter and then the recent accident on our way back from Putra Jaya after recieving the citizenship certificates. My many trips from Georgetown to Bukit Kayu Hitam on the Thai Malaysian Border and the verbal abuses i and my son had to take from the officers at the border with regard to his passport. I am successful cause it is now over. Is it?
I find myself still in limbo when it comes to my faith, yes i am still lost as far as being a good Muslim goes I have yet to be able to bring myself to pray five times a day with complete faith and determination in my performance. Thus I have no right to force or coerce my children into practicing that which i have problem doing myself. All i feel i am a Muslim and that i have finally come to grips after allot of reading and talking to those with enough acknowledge on the matter that I Love and worship Allah and only Allah as my Creator Lord and Master, (let this be my profess witnessed by all who happen to read it). Not because my family and relatives and friends are Muslims, nor from fear of hell or the love of Heaven, but from my gut feeling after years of so called seeking for that which the Truth, (let this too be my statement witnessed by those who read it). My success? I found what i have been looking for my entire life, something I can absolutely unequivocally believe in and hold true to in faith and worship.
My wife passed away in the prime of her life and i miss her, I did not love her enough perhaps or showed her my affections as i should but I loved her as one who understands her and why she had me for her husband. I was married twice and and loved both my wives even if my marriage did not work out the first time. We went our separate ways but maintained mutual respects for each other till this day. My first born is today a pilot for Emerates Air and, he is our pride and joy out of our brief union. My success/failure? No one coached me on how to be a great husband when i was first married to an American there was no precedent to go by. I made mistakes for which I had to live by, but I stayed true to my path of exploring and experiment with what life had to offer and made the best of the worse of situations. As my teacher in the Zen tradition once told me, " You have to pick out what makes sense and discard that which is non-sense". Has my married or family life been a failure? Perhaps! Many are those who would be ready to testify to this if given half the chance.
I asked my cousin Jamie while having dinner in Bukit Beruntong after having the accident the previous evening and while waiting for my car repair job to be ready on whether I had failed in my life. She said yes and no. I have my successes and my failures. One of the my success is that i was able to raise two teenagers and put them through school without a proper job, a proper place of my own. But I have very little to show for in terms of what i can call my properties to leave behind like everyone else in my family and that is why they frown on me. I have become somewhat of an embarrassment to them.
Having spent 21 years of my life in the United States and travelling to various South American countries and a few in Europe, having lived for three years in Japan and raised my kids for the past twelve odd years here in this country, does this not count for a measure of success? Putting it in terms of fiscal cost alone would be extravagant. Ever since my return to Georgetown I have had three solo Art exhibitions at three of the most prestigious Galleries here. I should pat myself on my back for i, one of the few 'Malays' in the City to do so. I have been able to place my name in the book of records on who is who in the Art scene of Penang and the Northern Region, not bad i should say.
So what is lacking? What makes it for a man to be contented and pleased with himself in this life other than the ability to have four wives and three cars, two Banglos and whatever it is that is considered a success criterias in this country? The more I dwell on it the more i come to realized that my spiritual growth is still in its infant stage despite the years I devoted to it and all the practices i have put myself through, my mind if not my soul is still fragmented. I am a splintered soul seeking to become whole but am running up against psycho emotional walls, (ancient twisted karmas from beginning less, greed Hate and Delusions mostly the last in my case). How far or how near am i to my final stage of liberation or to my Maker? This is what will take precedence in my life as of now and nothing else matters anymore as I have most of my life towards the deliverance of other, making others feel right and good. Making sure that the world is cared for in whatever capacity I could, caring with every little help this way and that, but now I have to turn myself inwards and look deeper into my soul like I did while living at the Zen Monastery for that which have been eluding me in my seeking . I have to come to meet my Creator. InShaAllah!! Even if it means having to die of this life before my physical death. My hijrah from that which is to that which will deliver this soul from the death of a kafir.

"All our life is based on thought which is measurable. It measures God, it measures its relationship with another through the image. It tries to improve itself according to what it thinks it should be. So unnecessarily we live in a world of measurement, and with that world we want to enter into a world in which there is no measurement at all. Meditation is the seeing of what is and going beyond it - seeing the measure and going beyond the measure. What takes place when the brain, the mind and the body are really quiet and harmonious - when the mind, the body and the heart are completely one? Then one lives a totally different kind of life.
Source - Jiddu Krishnamurti Book "Awakening of Intelligence."