The Lost Humanity

I have to drive my son to the Thai Border and get his passport stamped again to validate it for the next three months. When I tried to get him to go with me this morning he mumble in bed that he is not feeling well. I sat by the the bed for a while cursing him in my heart feeling the anger that has been gnawing inside me hvaing to deal with his visas problem, his laid back often times lazy and spineless attitude when it comes to doing something I ask of him like clean the room or pick up after himself after he eats or put his dirty cloaths in the proper place. Shit this is an eighteen year old about to become a man shit head! His new girlfriend calls at odds hours of the day and they make love on the phone leaving text countless text messages on my phone for my reading benifit, how dumb can you get.

But I kept my mouth shut, bit my tongue and left the house to see if I could do a paint job that one of my cousins expected me to do for the renovation of his house (I am the guy not doing anything and have plenty of time on my hand, why not, might even get paid for it)). The place was not ready for painting so I left for the Museum, my hideout, my cave, my mountain of refuge. I spent the morning sketching alot of garbage and most of the time thinking my life out, mostly how I fucked up so bad. I started this blog after an attempt at writing my son the pilot for some finanacial help but could not do it so i deleted the whole email and decided to let it all out this that is causing me the migraine, the pain and anger that is about to explode from within and cause some damage in one form or another.

In the past few days I have been carrying the sadness and bitterness of loosing a good friend who was victimized by the very person he fell in love with and place his full trust in and now has to flee back to where he came from for fear of his life if not sheer harassment. Last week I drove my Iranian friend all the way to Ipoh and dropped him off at the bus terminal there where he caught a bus to KLIA. Earlier that same midnight we were having some food at a restaurant when he got a call from Germany informing him the he was being searched for by the Police, for being an international terrorist, a very dangerous man and so on by his newly married so called wife. This young lady, a Malaysian lawyer highly educated has evidently called all his friends and informed them of this, the he was a fugitive of the law in malaysia. This close friend of his fearful for his well being decided that he should return to Germany. After further duscussions and seeing that he was in distress I decided to take him out of the city to the next closest town where he is not easily recognized and can get a transport to KL. We drove 160 Km. to Ipoh the same night and arrived there in the morning where I managed to put him on board a bus bound for KLIA direct. His friend had booked him a flight to Germany on Sunday-Monday night and so he had a little waiting to do. But he was relieved that he was able to get out of the country and deal with his problems from where he has better control over matters than being here.

His personal story is a very sad and tragic one, it stinks to the core of someone being taken for a ride by someone else who holds sway in terms of the law and the circumstances over you. Its another case of human abuse and exploitation of of the worse kind I will not dwell too deep into his personal issues eventhough he had authorised me to write as I see fit of what had transpired. Suffice to say I am tired too of the crap that people lay on me including those who are closest to me. I was not too worried with the police as much as with what can happen to him on a lonely street in the middle of the night walking as he always does, home.

They say the fasting month brings out the best and worst in you and I agree and for me it seems the worst has always outweighed the good. If it is not for the sake of my children for whom I am still responsible I would have become the demon that is within me. I would not be sitting here writing this pile of garbage or begging my sons for some small change to help keep their other two sibblings afloat or avoid my shame of having to kiss my cousins ass to make some money in order to find my way to the Thai border and have my son's passport stamped. Needless to say I hate what I have become and my long term so called vision or seeking trip is nothing but a sham in the effort to avoid assuming my resposibilities as a man. Only the AlMighty knows how sick and tired I am of this life, the banal, hypocracy and the extent to which one man or woman can screw another up without a shred of love or compassion or even concience and it is happening everywhere more so by the day.
At the end of the day its the Artist that gets fucked!





So I say to all my children, I am sorry for not being able to fulfill your desires in short be the perfect father and dont ever fall into the same trap as your father did, at least learn from his ignorance and avoid making them. If I am declared MIA, take care of yourselves, I have done my best to bring you up and now you have to learn to grow up on your own like I did most of my life.

I Love all of you, but thats about all I can afford right now. I have tried my damndest to share my self with you but much good it has done. If you have not understood what sharing and giving is all about you have learned nothing. If you have learned nothing about the women in your lives than I fear for you and your future and i have failed despite everything I tried to spell out for you. This blog I realize is another worthless effort, a waste of alot of time and energy which could have been spent slogging like all good men does making a living.

So my children, all of you think and think hard and reflect upon what i have shared with you before it is too late. I made numerous errors in my life and I made them for a reason, to learn, to know the truth, to find the answers for my own sanity about this so called life and living. I may not have all the answers but I learned some and these I hope you can learn from too.

Lastly, Life is a Bitch, dont marry one!