Got up this morning, my day off, thank God for little favors, si decided to clear my rooms of the dust that seems to ever persistant in every noo and crannies of the rooms. I have no hope of my teenage son ever geing of help when it comes to housekeeping hecant even put his own underwear into the cloaths basket. Such is when you become a bachelor dad and not making enough to give your kid his daily pocket money when he leaves for school. I am definitely hitting thr bedrock financially and dont see much light at the end of the drak tunnel. Sahme fully I hate to admit that my burden is being lightened by my daughter being adopted by my cousin and her daily and school needs is being cared for. I miss her very much and I feel very sad as I feel like I am slowly loosing her to someone else. Nothing at present hurts me more deep inside and mu soul is screaming out within at the pain and the helplessness I am feeling.
And my son simply comes home just to shower and sleep otherwise he too spents his time at the neighbor's mostly watching the Astro. Things are definitely not going too well for teh Baharis as we are getting ripped apart left and right and there is very little I am able to do to keep the family together. My wife thank God will not know of what is going on with us here as she is off in her own world Allah have mercy on her and keeps her safe and well cared for, I miss her very much too. As for my family here, I have stopped thinking about what they can or cannot do to help me in these times of need. To ask for any help from my brothers would only mean having to be kicked in my guts now that I am down and the less said the better it is on the subject.
So, where? what? How? I am going to dig for potatoes with my friend Cikgu Yusof at his friend's farm, that's whast i will do as soon as I had my lunch at his house. What comes next who knows and only Allah in His infinite mercy can decided what's right and what's wrong for me and my family and so to Hu I surrender my will and my destiny.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The show must go on...
The day ended in a mess as far as ticket collection went as I had a hard time trying to make ends meet or the ticket sales and the cash to tally.The front desk manager was all out to help me make it right but I was not nit in the mood to listen to his long and winded explanation in his way of getting things done right but something about him and his ways just does not to appeal to me. But I was tired and so I had to leave and took a walk to clear my head before I went back to take care of business. Needless i am again on someone's shit list, what can I say? I can justify till doomsday with whys and hows but it will do no good. I hate to it quits as I dont know if i can keep up with handling people and money any more. I took on the job to prove to myself that I can deal with money and I think I am not to bad at it now but the odds here are against me as I am always handicapped by the lack of things and the resort is at its best when it comes to not having the right tool for the right job.
Oh well who am I kidding? I am not cut for being a ticket seller or a receptionist but at least I know aht it takes now that i have been through the ordeal. All I have to do now is pray harder that something will come by in the not too distant future like a successful art show that could launch my belated career as an Artist here in Malaysia. The show is set for the month of May and last night my friend Cikgu Yusof and I were invited to the Muzeum Director's home to drop off my journals and discuss about the exhihibition. We ended up talking through the night till about two am and mostly about life and religion. I like the guy, open minded and another seeker of the truth. His house is well decorated with art objects mostly his own works and antiques from various parts of the world.
Oh well who am I kidding? I am not cut for being a ticket seller or a receptionist but at least I know aht it takes now that i have been through the ordeal. All I have to do now is pray harder that something will come by in the not too distant future like a successful art show that could launch my belated career as an Artist here in Malaysia. The show is set for the month of May and last night my friend Cikgu Yusof and I were invited to the Muzeum Director's home to drop off my journals and discuss about the exhihibition. We ended up talking through the night till about two am and mostly about life and religion. I like the guy, open minded and another seeker of the truth. His house is well decorated with art objects mostly his own works and antiques from various parts of the world.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Hari Raya Haji
Today all Muslims celebrate Aidil Ardha or Hari Raya Haji as the Malays calls it celebrated for the end of the Hajj in Mecca. Here it is not celebrated as grandly as the Aidil Fitri to commemorate the end of the fasting month of Ramadan. Today i realized that I had only one Ringgit left in my wallet just enough to take abus ride home from work. After I toild this to one of my colleagues he loaned me five ringgit which is about one US Dollar, what a laugh! How do I survive the rest of the month of even pay for my kids school pocket money the next few days?Ha!Ha! what a bloody mess I am in, oh well shit could be worse, I mean Baghdad! The Gaza Strip? In the snow covered mountains of Kashmir? Shit could be in the form of Aids or thge Chicken Flu or any of the above or below.
Allah it is said that Allah detest one who is dependant on anything or anyone else other than Hu (instead of him, I too have decided to use the noun Hu fwhen refering to Allah in the second person). It is shirik or equal to idolaterous. Now that is tough to follow, I know because hell all my life I have beeen dependant of something or someone in one form or another, my mother my father my brothers and sisters and my loved ones and close friends and sometimes total strangers. But according to Holy verses or at leas to some interpretations of it as I cannoit understand Arabic myself, that's exactly what it said, no one or nothing to depend on except the Will of Allah or the grace of the AlMighty. I refer you to Ahmed Hulusi and his writings on this, easy, look it up on the internet.
How does one practice what is equivalent to becoming a Sunnyasi or a mendicant Monk, detatched from life and all its trappings? Allah knows I have tried and failed misserably and now I am stuck in the middle of it all like a fly smack into a fly-paper, a bee caught in the thick slime of honey that is slowly causing it to die. How does one step out of this vicious circle that I have created for myself without causing too much disruption in my relationships to others who matters in my life. My children, my wife, my relatives and friends who have come to find some form of respect in who I am despite all my weaknesses and shortcomings. How I wish Allah speaks or at least give some form of indication that He listens, childish? No! I seriously feel like I need to hear how far or how near I am or how right or wrong I am. Not from some other sources, not from somewhiz of a religious guru or a top notch shrink, no not from those who have 'seen the light', but from Hu. From the mouth or the Will or grace of the Maker Himself.
What an arrogant SOB I am! Who am I to demand such a treatment, such special favor from the Creator of this Universe? I am zip, in th eyes of the cattle much less in His when it comes down to it. But still it is out of His compassion that I am able to bitch and moan about my life. Had I been having a wonderous time in life at the moment would I be thinking in the same manner about life. Nahh!! I will most probably be figuring out how to go back to the US where the life of sheer decadence that i had led in the past still is luring me. Yes I am that bad when it comes to it, so what am I looking at? What would Shunryu Suzuki or Katagiri Roshi would have to say about this or what would the Dalai Lama or Thich Nat Hahn think of this mixed up kid? Naah!! they have their own crap to deal with I and my crap is the last thing on their mind whether they are alive or dead. What would Krishnamurti say in his intellectual-philosphical analysis of this ramblings of a Cheeseburger Buddha? He most probably tell me to stop my thoughts all together and see what happens.
So today it is Aidil Ardha and I wish all my fellow Muslims all over the world the blessings of Allah and may Hu grnats His infinite Mercy and Bounty on all of us, this lost soul ask for Hu's infinite Grace and compassion in forgiving all his transgressions in the effort to seek for the Truth in Allah.
Allah it is said that Allah detest one who is dependant on anything or anyone else other than Hu (instead of him, I too have decided to use the noun Hu fwhen refering to Allah in the second person). It is shirik or equal to idolaterous. Now that is tough to follow, I know because hell all my life I have beeen dependant of something or someone in one form or another, my mother my father my brothers and sisters and my loved ones and close friends and sometimes total strangers. But according to Holy verses or at leas to some interpretations of it as I cannoit understand Arabic myself, that's exactly what it said, no one or nothing to depend on except the Will of Allah or the grace of the AlMighty. I refer you to Ahmed Hulusi and his writings on this, easy, look it up on the internet.
How does one practice what is equivalent to becoming a Sunnyasi or a mendicant Monk, detatched from life and all its trappings? Allah knows I have tried and failed misserably and now I am stuck in the middle of it all like a fly smack into a fly-paper, a bee caught in the thick slime of honey that is slowly causing it to die. How does one step out of this vicious circle that I have created for myself without causing too much disruption in my relationships to others who matters in my life. My children, my wife, my relatives and friends who have come to find some form of respect in who I am despite all my weaknesses and shortcomings. How I wish Allah speaks or at least give some form of indication that He listens, childish? No! I seriously feel like I need to hear how far or how near I am or how right or wrong I am. Not from some other sources, not from somewhiz of a religious guru or a top notch shrink, no not from those who have 'seen the light', but from Hu. From the mouth or the Will or grace of the Maker Himself.
What an arrogant SOB I am! Who am I to demand such a treatment, such special favor from the Creator of this Universe? I am zip, in th eyes of the cattle much less in His when it comes down to it. But still it is out of His compassion that I am able to bitch and moan about my life. Had I been having a wonderous time in life at the moment would I be thinking in the same manner about life. Nahh!! I will most probably be figuring out how to go back to the US where the life of sheer decadence that i had led in the past still is luring me. Yes I am that bad when it comes to it, so what am I looking at? What would Shunryu Suzuki or Katagiri Roshi would have to say about this or what would the Dalai Lama or Thich Nat Hahn think of this mixed up kid? Naah!! they have their own crap to deal with I and my crap is the last thing on their mind whether they are alive or dead. What would Krishnamurti say in his intellectual-philosphical analysis of this ramblings of a Cheeseburger Buddha? He most probably tell me to stop my thoughts all together and see what happens.
So today it is Aidil Ardha and I wish all my fellow Muslims all over the world the blessings of Allah and may Hu grnats His infinite Mercy and Bounty on all of us, this lost soul ask for Hu's infinite Grace and compassion in forgiving all his transgressions in the effort to seek for the Truth in Allah.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Is there anybody out there??
I just got through trying to drum up support for my upcoming solo exhibition which is in May but no such luck. I even tried the Prime MInister's office where he used to hace an email address but the sddress seemed to have disappeared. I guese thereis too many yo yos like me writing nonsense to him and he got tired of it being a busy man that he is. I used to write to him when I was living in Terengganu offering him my two cents worth like develop the Pulau Duyong area and fix up the Kedai Payang area and so on. Well it looks like this has already been taken care of and good for him and the people of Terengganu. Just recently they had a world class regata of sailing yatches with world class competitors taking part in , the Monsoon Race it was called.
Oh well just my luck to be at the wrong place at the wrong time again but such is. Now how do I go about getting someone to sponsor my art show here? Last timke I checked in my checking account there is twelve Ringgit Malaysian left, I can hardly buy a brush with that and I cannot even get it out if I want to. The resort still owes me about two hundred RM fopr withdrawing my employee's provident fund when I am no more a contributing member after my retirement age, but due to some screw up they still cannot get it into my bank account. How do i live for the next few weeks, good question.
Today I discovered that i was short of fourty RM in my daily collections at the ferry terminal and so I had to cough out whatever is left in my wallet to reimburse for the missing forty as I hate trying to justify why or how this could have happened! Shit happens and sometimes it shits cats and dogs and I have to learn to eat this shit like it or not being a practicing Muslim that I am. I accept it as yet another test from the AlMighty, the Tester! What else? Well what is going on with my son in Switzerland? perhaps still piss off at the world for all the unfairness and injustices while his older brother is trying to find a second job because airline pilots dont make enought money to get by these days.The two I am having here with me has yet to be hit by the truth of not having. What else? my wife? I have almost forgotten about her these days and when I do remember her it hits me harder in my chest but no tears to my eyes as they seemed ran dry a long time ago. What else, where do I go for food tonight?
GOOD QUESTIONS AND THEY DESERVE BETTER ANSWERS!!!
Oh well just my luck to be at the wrong place at the wrong time again but such is. Now how do I go about getting someone to sponsor my art show here? Last timke I checked in my checking account there is twelve Ringgit Malaysian left, I can hardly buy a brush with that and I cannot even get it out if I want to. The resort still owes me about two hundred RM fopr withdrawing my employee's provident fund when I am no more a contributing member after my retirement age, but due to some screw up they still cannot get it into my bank account. How do i live for the next few weeks, good question.
Today I discovered that i was short of fourty RM in my daily collections at the ferry terminal and so I had to cough out whatever is left in my wallet to reimburse for the missing forty as I hate trying to justify why or how this could have happened! Shit happens and sometimes it shits cats and dogs and I have to learn to eat this shit like it or not being a practicing Muslim that I am. I accept it as yet another test from the AlMighty, the Tester! What else? Well what is going on with my son in Switzerland? perhaps still piss off at the world for all the unfairness and injustices while his older brother is trying to find a second job because airline pilots dont make enought money to get by these days.The two I am having here with me has yet to be hit by the truth of not having. What else? my wife? I have almost forgotten about her these days and when I do remember her it hits me harder in my chest but no tears to my eyes as they seemed ran dry a long time ago. What else, where do I go for food tonight?
GOOD QUESTIONS AND THEY DESERVE BETTER ANSWERS!!!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Back to School
School start today for the kids, vacation is over all those hundreds of hours of TV worshipping days has finaly come to an end and my son has to get his act together or he is going to have a tough time rhis year. my baughter as always seems to have gotten her acts pretty much squared away and ready to face a new school with new faces and new expereinces. She has decided to switch schools from a coed predominantly malay school to Convent Girls school in Green lane where the world reknowned Nichol David the Squash world Champ was at one time a student. They will most probably erect a statue oher on the front lawn one of thses days as thay cannot give her enough for her accomplishment not that she does not deserve it.
Today I will try to get her settled down in her new school hoping that all will go well with no horrifying hitch in paper works horrors. My son I hope is faring well in getting himself into his second year at MBS. He is in form three and will be facing his exam this year and so I will have to crack the whip on him from now on. He was given a set of text books last night from a neighbour whose son was in form three last year and that helps me save some money and on top of that the father even handed his fifty Ringgit as a gift, that was a blessing as now he could purchase his new school uniforms. it looks like most of my financial woories with regards to getting the kids back into school is slowly coming to and end except for the 480 RM I will still nedd to pay the Penang Education Department to register my children as foreign students here. I thought I had squared away in Kuala terenggany when I paid the immigration department there three ahead for the fees and had their passports endorsed as foreign students for same number of years, but no such luck. Every department in the country has a need to feed.
Whatever happened to their citizenship applications? Last i heard the papers were in the hands of the Prime Minister's Private Secretatires' hands. At least that is what I think as I had personally handed them to a Datuk friend here who is a personal friend of the PM to have it handed over to the PM. Well what more can a man do other than ask how much I need to pay to get this nightmare off my mind and so that my children are no more in danger of getting arrested for having no proper Identification papers on thm or be able to apply for financial help or driver's liscence? HeY! This is my country too, I paid my taxes and if they check on it they will find that the Malaysian Government might even be owing me about a thousand RM in over charges. I have left my country when i was inspired to in my younger days to seek beyond the coconut shell that I had grown up under and now I have returned with the experiences and knowledge I had gained for nothing but to be treated like an illegal alien myself. This is Justice Malaysian style, Allhamdullillah!!!
Today I will try to get her settled down in her new school hoping that all will go well with no horrifying hitch in paper works horrors. My son I hope is faring well in getting himself into his second year at MBS. He is in form three and will be facing his exam this year and so I will have to crack the whip on him from now on. He was given a set of text books last night from a neighbour whose son was in form three last year and that helps me save some money and on top of that the father even handed his fifty Ringgit as a gift, that was a blessing as now he could purchase his new school uniforms. it looks like most of my financial woories with regards to getting the kids back into school is slowly coming to and end except for the 480 RM I will still nedd to pay the Penang Education Department to register my children as foreign students here. I thought I had squared away in Kuala terenggany when I paid the immigration department there three ahead for the fees and had their passports endorsed as foreign students for same number of years, but no such luck. Every department in the country has a need to feed.
Whatever happened to their citizenship applications? Last i heard the papers were in the hands of the Prime Minister's Private Secretatires' hands. At least that is what I think as I had personally handed them to a Datuk friend here who is a personal friend of the PM to have it handed over to the PM. Well what more can a man do other than ask how much I need to pay to get this nightmare off my mind and so that my children are no more in danger of getting arrested for having no proper Identification papers on thm or be able to apply for financial help or driver's liscence? HeY! This is my country too, I paid my taxes and if they check on it they will find that the Malaysian Government might even be owing me about a thousand RM in over charges. I have left my country when i was inspired to in my younger days to seek beyond the coconut shell that I had grown up under and now I have returned with the experiences and knowledge I had gained for nothing but to be treated like an illegal alien myself. This is Justice Malaysian style, Allhamdullillah!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year!!
Well, one whole year hass floated by and what Tsunami of a year for the Bahari family. We are still recoiling from the aftermath just like those Achehnese and the Pakistanis on the Kashmir boarder. My wife as my good friend David C. mentioned is most probably in heaven already waiting for us well where she is or her original mind is at the moment I pray to the AlMighty that she is well cared for and happy as Allah knows she deserves it after all that she has been through in this life.
I am looking forward to the year ahead as I feel like this is my year, I am going to hit paydirt through my Art one way or another, I can feel it in my bones!! After all the billionbs of lines I have been rendering on to my works not to mention brush strokes and splashing paints I could use a break. A niece in New York is trying to get me a sponsor for my upcoming show through the government agency of the Humanities and Fine Arts. If she can pull it off it will be a dream come true. my friend david in LA has finally got my works displayed at a site on the net.. its at
http://yogabb.com/shamsul/
For those who has been crazy enough to follow my trials and rambligs thus far I hope you will pop into the site and enjoy my creative side. Maybe in the near future David might be able to post a few shots to go with this blog too. I hope this new Year will bring brighter days for all of us all over the world, we sure could use more good vibes throughout this planet. My humble advice is simply sit, sit and watch your breath and when you have found it send it out with a positive vibe to the rest of the inhabitants of this planet. If you do not have the time to do this walk and watch your breath if not simply breath conciously more often instead of taking for granted the fact that you are breathing.
We are all vicegerents or caretakers and givers of this beautiful planet of ours and if we fail to recognize this woe unto us for we become loosers here and in the hereafter for those who believe. To those bent of being destructive and negative in this life I can only say that I hope their children and grand children will someday compensate for their ways. We have but one life and one planet to live by so while we are swimming in this fishbowl let us at least leave it in good shape for those who come after us.
I wish all a very Happy New Year and may Allah bless one and all.
I am looking forward to the year ahead as I feel like this is my year, I am going to hit paydirt through my Art one way or another, I can feel it in my bones!! After all the billionbs of lines I have been rendering on to my works not to mention brush strokes and splashing paints I could use a break. A niece in New York is trying to get me a sponsor for my upcoming show through the government agency of the Humanities and Fine Arts. If she can pull it off it will be a dream come true. my friend david in LA has finally got my works displayed at a site on the net.. its at
http://yogabb.com/shamsul/
For those who has been crazy enough to follow my trials and rambligs thus far I hope you will pop into the site and enjoy my creative side. Maybe in the near future David might be able to post a few shots to go with this blog too. I hope this new Year will bring brighter days for all of us all over the world, we sure could use more good vibes throughout this planet. My humble advice is simply sit, sit and watch your breath and when you have found it send it out with a positive vibe to the rest of the inhabitants of this planet. If you do not have the time to do this walk and watch your breath if not simply breath conciously more often instead of taking for granted the fact that you are breathing.
We are all vicegerents or caretakers and givers of this beautiful planet of ours and if we fail to recognize this woe unto us for we become loosers here and in the hereafter for those who believe. To those bent of being destructive and negative in this life I can only say that I hope their children and grand children will someday compensate for their ways. We have but one life and one planet to live by so while we are swimming in this fishbowl let us at least leave it in good shape for those who come after us.
I wish all a very Happy New Year and may Allah bless one and all.
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