My Mind- My faith.

Looking deep within in silence, unhindered by any thoughts or mental formations, I find some comfort and even an blink of insight into why I am feeling so edgy and restless if not vexed during this fasting month. I am in a sense being shaken by the very roots of the foundation of my faith. I am being placed under a microscope of spiritual magnitude and dissected in order to have the contents of my heart read as to how I feel about God. At my age and in the very circumstance and environment that I am in at present, this is no laughing matter, The experiment that I have subjected myself into has taken me to the brink of becoming an atheist; may the All Mighty spare me such a damnation. I have yet to even understand the very nature of my own being and existence than to have the audacity to declare myself an apostate. My lifetime experiment has not allowed me for a conclusion as yet as I am still in the dark as to my own self discovery; Who am I?
A genuine Muslim has every right to condemn me for blaspheming and as such an infidel destined to find my way into the jaws of hell, So would a Christian or a Jew.; my afterlife is screwed! I need, at the peril of my own soul, to find the truth of the matter as to the nature of my very existence and make my stand and declare; this is who I am! This is my Dharma Position as a Buddhist would declare. I make my stand from this state of consciousness without any doubt, fears or favors, judge me if you must from your understanding, but know that this is where i am coming from. I have gotten here not by simply accepting what is being told me, or  simply because of some scriptures handed down from generations in the past; I got to this position by my own self enquiry and self discovery. When I declare my true faith or my spiritual being it will be  free of doubts and fears, it will be the result of a lifelong quest for the truth; my own original 'Buddha Nature',or that which Is before I was even conceived by my parents.
When my soul has been washed and purified by the blood, sweat and tears of regret and redemption beyond doubt, when i have truly awakened from this sleep of ignorance, perhaps only then can i declare where, to who or what my faith lies in; till then I am still groping my way in darkness towards the seat of the truth. My mind has come a long way in thinking in this manner but it is still not fully convinced, it is still trapped in a monkey's brain loosing its bearing every so often lost in self deluded thoughts; my mind is my best friend and my worse enemy.