Happy Father's Day - to me.

I must admit that I have not been much of a father to all my three children, however i am ever so thankful that all four of them has turned out for the better in their adult life. Perhaps it is all thanks to their mothers, all three of them, two Americans and a Swiss. Oh it is a long story no doubt how I turned out to have sired four children of different mothers and iI am sure that somewhere in this lengthy Blogging I must have tried to justify the story one way or another in the effort to convince myself that I was not all that bad and things could have been a whole lot worse. There is no doubt in my mind that the three boys hold one form or another of a grudge against my way of bringing them into this world or how i had wronged their mothers. At this age I am too concerned anymore over all the errors I made in the past with regard to their upbringing and I know i have tried my best to remedy my mistakes as best i could. All my justifications will not convince them as they does not do me any satisfaction either and so I will have to let it be and hope that the persons they have become will in its own right speak on my behalf as a father.

In honor of my father and my grandfather I am writing this short tribute all fathers who have raised their children to the best of their abilities. As a father the welfare of my children has always been the force that motivates and kept me seeking the true path through knowing who I truly am and what my potentials are as a man. I have never and never will blame anyone else for my errors nor will I ever claim that my way is the best or any better than others'. I have and will love my children no matter what they may think of me. Their well being will always be in my heart and mind and I have tried my best to be there when they needed me most. As a father it has taught me that being there in the right time and moment in the lives of my children is all a matter of faith in the desire to make things right and in the effort to ease their burden in life. I do not hope that they will ever turn out to be just like me for my path was the less traveled in comparison to most fathers. I took many a wrong turn and gambled my way through my own life in order that I can pave my own journey towards becoming who I am knowingly or otherwise.

As I am close to take that one step beyond into the unknown, I feel I need to take stock of my track record as being a father and this Blog as well as my journals would be testimonies towards what had happened and what the consequences has been.I have tried to be as honest and candid as I can lest my writing might do more damage than help to heal. As far as healing goes, my Blog is about healing myself through understanding, through my own perception my own experiences and my own  judgements; and i am prone to be wrong most of the time mostly through assumptions and my own distorted projections. Being a father is has been a touch and go experience for as my children grew up in sorts of mixed environment and cultures, I have to adapt to their thinking accordingly.There is very little to fall back upon as examples that can be assimilated to when situations arises. I mostly have to trust my gut feelings and take my cues from what is presented before me to tackle. Most of all I rely upon the fact that these are my children and they have their own personalities and upbringing through having lived most of their lives with their mothers. I treat with utmost respect their stand and accept the fact that iknow little about how or what tendencies are. I rely on the fact that my task as a father is to ensure their comfort and well being and that they has a little to blame life for their father's errors.

Hence Happy Father's Day to me as I am seeing that my children have grown into strong characters with allot of potentials ahead of  them once they too discover the truth of who they truly are. In the meantime I will strive to keep on being who I am to the best of all our interests, by being healthy and productive for as long as I possibly can. By being being an artist, a writer, a cushion when they fall, a helping hand in some small way to help ease their load as they grow into adulthood themselves.

































 

The Tree of Life

My daughter and I had our first Half-Open House for the Eid Mubarak and I made my specialty, Spaghetti ala Bahari.Got very good response from our guests especially her boss who helped himself to three helpings! My fears that it would not be enough to last the day was quashed at the end of the evening and we even had some spare for the of us for dinner; perfect! The turn out was also very surprising as it turned out a diverse group of closest friends and relatives turned up with a few girls from Sarawak who are here to do their internship at my daughter's work place. I was pretty much beat by the time i finished cooking which started at 7am. and lasted almost 3 hours by the time I got everything I needed for the event, like fork and spoons and dishing containers and hot drink and cold drinks plates and napkins etc.I was so bushed, I took a short nap when i got home, It revitalized my energy and got me through the day entertaining old and young, friends and family; it felt good.

It does not take much to make others yourself happy and harmonious, it just takes a small commitment upon yourself to make things happen with a genuine effort and 'ikhlas' or sincerity.
But when it happens it becomes a moment to remember for the rest of everyone's life those who were there. In Islam it is called 'Tali 'siratalRahim.' The bonds between brothers and sisters, friends and relatives, between a community or the Umah, ties between all humanity; its the Universal Spirit of Unity; and we are slowly but surely loosing this human if not spiritual connections. Just to keep family ties alone  has become an effort and as our family extends into larger circles we have a greater commitment it becomes our human consciousness to foster stronger ties of Love and Friendship between us. It is often said that we are all one family and that we originated from the One  call it by whatever name you will, so long as we recognize this principle in our lineage man will go on living side by side till the end of Days. It is when this principle deteriorates that we become an adversary to one another often creating pain and suffering unnecessarily; we forget who we truly are. We struggle and compete to stay ahead, we eat up and throw up those that stands in our way and we become inhuman towards just about every living being that does not benefit our intentions.

The ancient wisdom of great yogic and Buddhist thoughts, the teachings of Zoroaster and the Hermes Trimejestus, the philosophy of the Tao Te Ching, and the Islam ic teachings to name a few have one common thread that is woven into them and that is the interconnection of all into the One. We came from the One and will return to the One unified whole. This is the Cosmic principle, the Merging of Differences, the Collective Universal Spirit and is called by various names accordingly. In short we are an interdependent beings existing in a collective whole alongside each and every being, however most of us humans have failed to feel this connection and developed an independent self serving spirit that is better known as the egoistic personality. Our minds has developed a sense of survival mode through fear to 'take care of number one', and those closest to our well being or benefit us. From this sense we become competitive, we develop greed and hate and jealousy, envy and so forth; our mind becomes corrupted. From all these we experience life with through ignorance as the mind becomes more and more infected with the craving for more and greater things, things that we do not even need anymore than we have to. The problems humanity faces today is this; the fact that we have forgotten who we truly are in relationship towards our fellow man and the rest of the Universe at large. 

Wars and famine, economic collapse and the decadence of society, are but a few of the symptoms of humanity's failure to coexist and becoming aware of our codependent of each and every single being on this planet and this includes Nature and the elements or Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. Perhaps it is out of our arrogance that we deny the need for others, that we can live and survive without the help and assistance of those around us and that we do not have to feel obligated to do any favors much less be charitable towards those who could use our assistance if; perhaps we are right.However, just looking at this lap top from which I am typing the post itself reminds me of how many minds has come together to create such a tool, it took a whole groups of people that has fed upon a whole bunch of animals and plants, not to mention breathed the air, drink the water and walk the earth and kept warm by the fire, to come together to create the computer; the farmers and the fishermen helped to create the computer; this is the Tree of Life.

We are like plants growing out of the earth with our roots planted deep within and our branches stretching outwards as far as they are able to. We flower and our fruits ripen and falls to the earth to create more of our kind; our progeny. We each and everyone of us has the desire to leave behind a legacy that can be looked upon as inspiring and beneficial for those that will come after us, we try not to leave behind us bad seeds and decadence, We leave behind us the gifts of Love and Compassion towards others and the Peace throughout the Universe and this can only be attain if and when we have come to fully understand who we truly are and our interrelationship with the rest of humanity: we indeed are the Universe, within and without.
    

Ramadan is almost over, but the taste lingers on...

And if you deny the Divine within that there is God, how does that hurt God, it is just as fair to say that there is no evil and yet the good and evil coexist throughout a life just light and darkness. The one cannot be without the other, they are the flip of the same coin. Man to my understanding as a whole strives for the good and avoid evil at all cost except when moments dire desperation or utmost temptation is evil committed. Greed, Hate and Ignorance, are the basis for man's falls to evil, an ordinary man satisfied with his life seldom if not never is swayed towards evil. During the Fasting Month of Ramadan evil forces are being reined in and confined in hell for the duration of the whole month; man in essence has no scapegoat or an excuse for his transgressions but himself. To fast or not to fast, the choice is of free will where the act of self discipline is laid out for the well being of the spirit and salvation of the soul. Although there is no coerce towards fulfilling this mandatory in the material, physical sense, there is however th covenant made by the soul to honor the Lord's Will. I choose out of my own free will to perform the fasting in order that i may fulfill the Divine Will. 

Science is finding more and more benefits for fasting as far as the body and mind goes and it is apparent that with the deprivation of food and drink the mind and body reacts accordingly and mostly in the negative nature. Hunger, thirst, depression and not to mention migraines and exhaustion, fasting is no easy matter if and when it is observed thoroughly.   The mind is kept free from negative thought formations such as sexual in nature or greed and envy; the mind is kept pure and attuned to the Divine only. Normal labor goes on as usual, a fisherman goes to sea, a farmer tends his fields, a mother takes care of her home and so forth. Then there are additional special prayers added to the five regulatory prayers in the evening after the night prayer or Ishak. One goes to the mosque and perform a series of prayers lasting for almost two hours. I must admit that I am not among the believers who can do this and I envy them for their strength and determination and devotion. Men and women who performs the Taraweh Prayers are to be honored in the eyes of God.
 Hunger and thirst and the deprivation of the mind's negative mental formations are among the best ways to rein in the ego's desires and fantasies and promote for the Divinity in man. Herein lies the major difference between man and the rest of the animal kingdom. With right understanding and right mindfulness, man can awaken himself to his own self created reality to see the truth behind the veils of delusion he lives in; nothing is real except that which is eternal and unchanging; the Divine Spirit within, the , the Original Buddha Nature, the Atman, the Soul, Ruh.   

God Is great! A Blessed Eid Mubarak to all.

And the beginning of a new year for the Muslims as the Month of Ramadan came to an end and Muslims all over the Globe celebrate Eid Mubarak with feasts and family gathering to strengthen all relationships families and friends alike. It is akin to a Christmas celebration but not for the celebration of a birthday but a New Year. I fasted the whole month as best i could and at times it did got to be a painful experience especially physically, what with migraines and heart burn from hunger and thirst and it was also a spiritual struggle as I refelct upon my faith, where it stands. Yes, I do feel a whole lot closer to my Maker and fell His Grace better than I have ever felt in the past, but the journey towards the throne of my Lord is still an on going journey. I hear His whispers in my heart and noticed His Grace in the small miracles that I experience as i go about my daily life and I am more of a believer than i have ever been in my entire life thus far. Spiritually speaking The Month of Ramadan will always be a trial for my nafs. or ego and more than often the ego wins and so the battle or Jihad will go on.

When we hear AllahuAkhbar during the azan or call to prayer, or uttered when a Muslim is elated, excited with something, most non Muslims especially Westerners gets all uptight; it only means that God is Great. Who or what else can be greater and how else would one express a feeling of joy and elation but to be thankful to that which is a greater  entity than our small egotistical self? The Christians and Jews would do the same, like the Lord is Great or praise be to the Lord. It does not imply that my God is greater than yours or his, it simply means one is grateful for the gift of whatever. When a Muslim says Alhamdullilah, he or she simply is saying, thanks to the Lord for whatever is rendered, being grateful and reminding ourselves that it all originates from the One. When aMuslim says Subhanallah, he or she simply is saying, the Lord is Pure, unblemished, genuine and so forth. When we attach negative connotations to these utterances than we got us a problem of communication. These are Arabic words, but they mean the same simple truths that it reminds us of where or what the source of our inspirations and actions comes from and helps to curb our ego from claiming the ownership.

The road towards Fana or the attainment of a state of emptiness from the self is through these reminders as lived day to day, that we are merely vessels, containers and not the content of our volition and actions. Thus we do not succumb to Riak or show off, bragging that we are the source of our intelligence and nothing else; our source is limited and will always remain so, divine source is eternal and ever present. If I am beginning to sound like a preacher it is not my intention, it is merely my understanding and perceptions that I am sharing that hopefully will help to bridge the misconceptions of those who are interested in such matters and I will always stand corrected if I am wrong.  If one is willing to elect a President to run the country and your life why not have faith in the highest authority that you shun simply because you have misunderstood the implications of what is being uttered. It takes some learning to become aware of the meanings behind the words in no matter what language it is uttered. This is why knowledge are wings by which we fly to heaven, not a place but a feeling of right understanding is all it is.



  

Taking the leap of Faith.

As long as you exist, you are damned! You and I cannot exist, one has to submit, surrender, give in give up, only One can exist. Fana' is the goal of the believer,to attain complete annihilation of the 'elf' from consciousness to merge wholly into the void, the emptiness, the light; to be absorbed into unconsciousness, non existent or being. The Buddha attained PariNirvana, Complean expression of te Enlightenment, the Cessation of the self and upon His deathbed His final words were, "I Am No More!" This is the total submission into the unknown of the Soul; Fana'. I am taking on a serious discussion with myself over a matter that has concerned me for a very long time and that is the issue of the One-ess of God. It is my naive maintain that I cannot exist for there to be only One.I feel in me that I am barking up a mountain, the answer and it is not giving up the answer; your intuition says it is somewhere up there. It is not a matter of doubt in the existence of the Al Mighty, Lord of Creation, however it is a matter of having an inquisitive God given mind that has to be put into function. It is in trying to fully comprehend the nature of all of existence as my own thought formations; my own Collective Consciousness with all other beings, every souls throughout the past , present and future. This Consciousness the has evolved through one incarnation after another to arrive at this juncture of its natural history,  still not is  completely convinced with the whole truth, did or did Jesus die on the cross? Islam says no, Christianity says Yes. Like who was offered as a sacrifice to God, Ishmael of Isaac? Islam says Ishmael, Judaism and Christianity says Isaac. 

Yesterday evening my daughter and I attended a musical performed at a Church in the City and it was about the life and  teachings and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. We were accompanied by mt gaughter's Boss, Joe Sidek and another of their staff David. I had a great time, as it was refreshing to watch a live performance by presented by more than one hundred Church members young and old. I felt the positive energy vibrating throughout the Church of young people acting and dancing with full of vigor and passion. If I am not mistaken the Title of thIe play is 'The Witness'. I whispered to my friend Joe, "We fasted all day and sit and watch the life of Jesus in the evening!" "We can be arrested by the Muslim Religious Department!," he replied. " Twenty, thirty years ago it was never like this, the Malay Muslims have become more extremist than ever before, how can you draw people to become Muslims if you are setting such a rigid standards and pressure towards anything and everything that is considered entertainment, or detrimental to the Islamic faith?" he went on to say. Did Jesus truly died on the cross or did He not, was what was running through my mind   

As we grow older we loose our sense of curiosity and awe about life especially that which is unknown to us, we rely upon our imagination and fantasies and accept the truth of what the mind has conjured for us all along to be reality. Our language becomes more intellectual and we use big words and expresses little and we confuse others more than convince them about life we have lost our sense of simplicity and dwell in muddled thoughts and expressions. Many questions cannot be answered as they defy rationality and often defies human intelligence, however this is the very purpose that they are there to be looked into if one is seeking to unravel the truth about one's faith. The Buddha's first of the Eighthfold Path is Right Understanding and thus it is one's 'Jihad' or Quest  to untangle the tangle of one's understanding about faith. If one's faith is unshakable, immovable and impeccable, then one should have no fear of whatever test that is thrown in one's path but take them but accept them as another door or Dharma Gate to enter and experience what ever lessons there is to learn on the other side across the threshold.  Death is the ultimate test in this our impermanent life, the coming to and end of the physical material realm of existence. 

It is more sensible to worship the Lord out of Love than out of fear, (for those who worship God). Love evokes positive energies while fear dissipates it. Do not equate human frailties to the omnipotent of the Lord's powers. Throughout human history faith and religious beliefs has been a major  issue and the Buddha had His own answers to most of the dilemmas as he set out to unravel the truth fpr himself. It took many years of deep reflections and meditations and allot of trials and tribulations to arrive at His final conclusion; that for so long as the I exist there is suffering.

Be conscious of the unconscious.

And the subconscious or unconscious is a warehouse of all our accumulated thoughts of past, present and even future, it is where all our dreams and latent tendencies are properly or haphazardly stacked away depending upon each individual ability to mange their own data banks/clossets. Sometimes when you go into the attics of homes you will find all kinds of items being stored away strewn all over the floor from wall to wall collecting dust and might even make you feel scary to venture into the space. Sometimes you climb into and attic and you find a well organized well laid out items that are properly boxed and even listed that makes it looks like these items are simply stored away for future use. Sometimes one can even find a recliner placed in one corner like it is meant for the space to be used as a reference room where one can take  a look at things from the past without having to sneeze from dust. This is the nature of the subconscious mind space where thoughts are laid away forgotten most of them but still available whenever evoked by any stimulus from the conscious mind in the form of dreams and day to day experiences. It is a vast reservoir of collected information that our consciousness accumulates as we experience the world and ourselves.

Tapping into the unconscious requires practice and it has been my intention to fully understand  and utilize this possibility to the fullest extent through my artworks. The term 'abstract art' takes on the form of expressing myself through drawing out from my unconscious thoughts, ideas and images from that which is latent within my unconscious. I have no preconceived idea of what I paint but as I allow my work to take its own manifestation as i go along and more often I start to see images emerge as I progress. It is the mark of a true artist to seek that which is ' original', that which has never been expressed before in an art form, style or technique. Where can one discover this originality other than from within and to be able to do so entails a thorough in depth study and understanding of the nature of the conscious and unconscious mind, how they are interrelated to one. How does one tap into the unconscious in order to draw out from the vast treasure trove of latent primordial experiences and deeply buried images deep within the attic of our consciousness and then to mold it mesh it all together to become a new form like one never before and manifest such an image on to the canvass.

Psychedelics or drug induced images are a few examples of these images that seems to emerge out of the blue and manifested on to the canvass like the artist or creator had it all pre-planned. Spontaneity is the essence of originality, I believe so, as it is through being spontaneous that the image or an idea is manifested directly from the unconscious without any obstruction by a thought, like the expression, 'I am having a second thought'. Hence there is no right or wrong about the expression, this way or that way to view, but simply it is as it is. If the viewer has the inclination to view the piece of work without any expectation or having a preconceived notion of what the piece is or should be, then the piece of work will make very little sense or has no meaning at all to the viewer. For the artist it is a matter of having accomplished the process of abstracting from within what was waiting to be exposed through the right combination of mediums, circumstances, technique, and most importantly the state of mind one is in; absolute silence of the mind is the key. Then again this is all just my ideas and i have known to be way off the mark as I am no C.G.Jung, when it comes to the understanding of the unconscious.