When the Universe decides to nudge you in the right direction...

 I woke up this afternoon from a vivid dream about visiting several art studios in Kuala Lumpur. One studio was a sculptor's studio owned by a Chinese artist, and the other was a large outdoor installation studio with mechanical functions. What I remember most was telling someone I assumed to be an 'Otai' Malay artist who I was and that I never liked being in Kuala Lumpur as an artist. Why was this important, fact that I never liked visiting KL On looking back I cannot truly say that I had a good time being there all those times that I was able to visit the City. I am not going to dwell on this too much as in most of my past experiences there was more negative than I care to remember. The question is why did I have a very vivid dream of such nature. I will let it percolate and allow my higher consciousness to reveal whatever hidden meaning it might have in the course of my present status. 

Two days ago, I met a gentleman with his two adult daughters at the Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah—USM. He was Hasnul's close friend, an architect living in the East Coast state of Kelantan. While chatting with him, I found myself almost shedding tears, as what he had to offer was exactly what I had envisioned a month or so ago as part of my plan for the near future. He seemed full of vigor and had carried out some large-scale projects that had cost in the millions and according to my friend Hasnul, he was on par in being one of the best students at college. As our conversation carried on I learned that he was looking for a more fresh and positive idea to move forward with what he had in mind from the beginning of his ventures, I felt he was stagnated with too much being planned but few being a total success. He had constructed studio facilities intending to have it being run by artists to propagate art of whatever nature. However the idea has not materialized as there was no one he could find to manage the facility. It was too good to be true and if God or the Universe had been nudging me towards my destination this was a close at it could come to be in manifestation. My hair stood on end as I listened to him ramble on and not so much as to what he had to offer but that fact that he was echoing my own personal intentions.

I have been experiencing quite a few coincidences of late which are felt like I have been receiving blessings from on high, like 'the Universe is making sure that I am well looked after whenever I needed some help. I almost feel like I am not supposed to share these incidents as they are spiritual in nature, at least that is how I feel when these occur, and are to be kept as secrets to myself. However, I also feel that my original intention has always been to share, sharing my life's experiences no matter how taboo they might be. For example, two days ago I was short of cash to do some shopping and I whispered to my cousin that I might need to borrow a hundred from her. A few minutes later, my cousin's brother, her younger brother called me and handed me one hundred Ringgit saying this is your Raya gift. My cousin's sister looked at me unbelievingly whispering, Allah is watching over you, Alhamdullilah! I was shocked at the incident taking place almost instantaneously just after I made my request and almost wished that I had held on just a little bit longer before asking to borrow from her. Small miracles do happen as I said before, however, one has to swallow one's pride and ask for the help that one needs. On a deeper level, I asked simply because in the past I have been accused of being egotistical and my asking for help is my way of detachment from my sense of pride and my ego.

As Mahatma Gandhi said, ' Life is an experiment. ' I have lived by this. I act with awareness of the ramifications or consequences my actions may incur. I try to avoid guessing: What if I am, after all, a self-declared Elegant Beggar? I look well dressed but have no money to my name. The term 'Elegant Beggar ' was coined by the late Alan Watts, the British philosopher and Zen Master.

This frdiay Morning during the Month of Ramadan.

 Bismillah ar Rahman ar Rahim, in the Name of the All-Merciful and Compassionate, Lord of the Worlds and the Hereafter. It's Friday morning and all is well InshaAllah. The fasting month is almost halfway through and as in the past, I have been through a few challenges that have shaken my resolve spiritually but I have been able to steer my way toward a better understanding and acceptance of what has been thrown my way in the form tests of my patience and resilience; praise be to the Al-Mighty. My faith is still full of doubts and confusion but I am beginning to feel the Love of my Lord within me and it has been getting more pronounced than I have ever felt before, I have woke up from my sleep uttering, "I Love You, Ya Allah," almost spontaneously without hesitation or thought and it pleasantly surprised me. I have yet a long way from becoming fully absorbed in His Love and Compassion but I know I am on my way toward being accepted as His humble servant, one who has a lot to atone for in this life. My doubts are beginning to fade away one after another as I am being nudged toward the direction of  'Tauhid',

"Tawhid means believing in Allah Alone as God and Lord and attributing to Him Aِlone all the attributes of Lordship and divinity. Tawhid is divided into three categories; namely, Tawhid al-Rububiyyah (Oneness of Divine Lordship), Tawhid al-Uluhiyyah (Oneness of Divinity), and Tawheed al-Asma wa’l-Sifat (Oneness of the Divine Names and Attributes)."

For most of my life, I have placed my faith in Allah s,w,t  Mercy. Still, my ego has stood in the way of fully accepting what it entails primarily due to the anger that I have held within me for my past trials and tribulations, most of which I have time and again discussed in this journal. Perhaps I have held on to this excuse much too much and it is time to seriously debunk this baggage that I have been carrying on my back and move forward with freedom and clarity. My past has become irrelevant and an unnecessary baggage holding me down from making a complete and pure commitment towards the worship of my Lord. Now I am no more harassed by such thoughts as a loser or one who is incorrigible and beyond redemption, I am now feeling my true self worth, I am more than I have taken myself to be, I am Allah's chosen one. I am no better or worse than the next Muslim but I am more awakened than I have ever been in my life and if by His Will I should die this morning, I am fully content to have such a realization. It is not because I fear His retribution in the afterlife, it is because I feel His Love for me despite all my transgression in the past; I feel already forgiven and accepted with no doubt in my heart.

In the past few months, I have consistently listened to many videos, including those by Neville Goddard, Wisdom Woke, and a few others, to keep my mind from sliding back into its old habit of nailing my feet to the floor. This morning I listened for the first time to an Islamic video, the Deen World which as always I happen to stumble upon while searching for what to listen to. I was moved to tears in the silence of the Friday morning as I listened to that are synchronized with what I have been listening to in the past, only now it is all about how Islam deals with life. Now I am on my final track toward liberation as all my quests and searching have led me to this moment of truth and my faith is sealed in Allah s.w.t. I may not be a perfect Muslim as yet but I am a true believer, but I am submitted to my Lord's Will in body, mind and Spirit and let this money be witness to this profession of my soul. Alhamdulillah! Thank You, Lord, for the infinite Mercy and Love for this incorrigible soul. 

For almost my entire life I have asked the question, "Who am I?" Now I am beginning to see the answer, I now see myself as one who has been looking for answers but often missing the truth even as it stands before me. I have been polishing a rock to turn it into a diamond while turning a diamond into a rock due to my blindness and ignorance. I have allowed my Nafs, my ego to lead me hither and thither like a farmer looking for his ox while riding it or a camel dying of thirst while carrying a barrel of water on its back. However, it is all I realize a necessity that I needed to embark upon to arrive at where I am this Friday morning. Insha'Allah, I will as of this moment, keep my faith in Him and step forward as a true Muslim, a servant of Allah s.w.t. forged to serve His will in whatever ways I possibly can. There is no meaning to my life except this servitude to my Maker and in the process continue to heal myself of all my ailments, doubts, and confusion. 

The price for taking a dip in the sea -Ear Infection.

I decided to get my ear infection treated and dropped by the clinic yesterday morning. However, I had to make an appointment because the doctor was not in. When the receptionist asked what time I could be there, I told her I was not sure, and this got us into a short argument as I started to lose my temper. Perhaps it was because I was having a bad morning, what with the irritating ear infection and the disappointment of being unable to take care of it then and there and my hunger and thirst from fasting. Later, I felt terrible about my lack of patience and losing my temper, causing a bad morning for someone else who was starting her day at work and who was most probably fasting, too. I still feel disappointed about the whole situation every time I think about it, and I decided that I would attempt to apologize to her this morning when I go the clinic again. At my age, I am still losing control over my anger management when confronting such simple matters. Here I am, professing to work on my character over the years and still not having any control over my interpersonal relationships with others. 

I realize that I am 'old' as most people would point out, and being so, it is no mystery that I would react so negatively over such a trivial thing,  and no matter the excuses, I ought to have done better than allowing myself to behave in an unruly manner towards a stranger during this Fasting Month; perhaps this was one of those illnesses that I need to understand of myself and let go of. I should be more aware of the fact that life is suffering for most of us, and we can never tell what the other person is facing, assuming that our own problem is more critical and needs to be taken care of there and then. One is never too old to learn a lesson, and I realize that no matter how profoundly one has understood life to be, one will make a slip and revert back to the old poor habit that causes grievences for oneself and others. This is ignorance, as taught by the Buddha, and is one of the causes of suffering. This happens when we drift from the center and allow the external to dictate what happens in a situation. It allows for the ego to become embroiled in a situation where there is no justification for our committing the errors we instigate and the negative impact we bring upon ourselves.

When we act without a sense of awareness or the realization of who we truly are, we allow for our actions to originate from the sense of egocentricity where we feel we are right no matter the circumstances and we will justify to ourselves with all kinds of justifications which in this case the fact that I was an pain or that I was fasting and have migraine headache or being disappointed that my ear problem could not be take care of after having driven to the clinic and so forth. This is how the ego functions, always being demanding and insensitive towards others and their feelings. All the practice of being calm and collected when dealing with everyday life issues suddenly is tossed down the drain, making one feel foolish, if not stupid or ignorant. Whatever happened to' stepping back and taking a deep breath, or not letting the external circumstances take charge of one's emotional energies. It defeats every intention of our practice to heal and foster a compassionate world when we lose our decorum when dealing with others in our everyday life, but it happens, and when it does, what do we learn from it?

Yesterday morning, I visited my ear doctor again. This time, I approached the receptionist and apologized for my unruly behavior the day before. She had a beautiful smile on her face, and I had my ear fixed. Lesson learned and action taken, all good, and it cost me RM230. The reason I had been putting it off getting my ear taken care of was because of the cost that my daughter would have to bear. Such Is!

R.I.P. Azmi Husein

 What did I tell you early this morning? How have I been keeping myself? How far or near am I to being fully awakened from this deep sleepwalking act? I have just lost my adopted son, taken away at the peak of his career, leaving behind a young family of four, a mother and children. They visited my home for the Last hair Raya open house party we had, or was it two years ago? Azmi or Mei, as everyone called him, was an artist who trans formed from a timid and shy young man with low self-esteem into a legend among his peers. He held several Guinness Malaysian Records for his creative ventures. I say so because he was closer to me than a friend; he won my heart through his humbleness and sincerity, and so we chatted a lot about what it takes to become what you want to become as an artist, or what makes an artist. I watched him overcome all the hurdles to cut through a space of his own, especially in a Chinese-dominated art scene such as in Penang. He had done it in a short period, breaking down walls after walls with his murals scattered all over the City, inside and outside restaurants and coffee shops. 

                                Azmi's was across the street. Headed for the wrong grave site.

One of the most painful experiences endured by the 'Wandering Jew', a man cursed by Jesus for taunting Him while he was bearing the Cross to Golgotha, is the fact that he had to watch all those he came to love or beloved pass away before his eyes. I have been seeing quite a few of late, people I knew and cared for, their departure left a small hole in my heart; I do not moan their departure, I simply feel a sense of loss, of letting go, of impermanence, of wondering if my turn is around the next corner. InshaAllah! If I were to leave this life, I pray that I die in the name of the One, having absolute faith and surrender in His Name, and in honor of His Prophet s.a.w. I say this to myself and to my Lord this morning as my ultimate desire in how I face my own death. I am now beginning to feel like the character of the Legend of the Wandering Jew already. However, to be taken away in the prime of one's age and the blooming success of one's career while leaving behind a young family is not what I would call a fair deal. I don't think that the Good Lord has ever said that life is fair. 

                              My Young Friend's final resting Place, waiting for his casket.

                                               RIP Azmi Husein

While they were burying him, I sat beside my good friend Hasnul J. Saidon, the former Director of the Gallery Tuanku Fauziah at USM. He had just retired from his post. We sat underneath a magnolia tree to avoid the scorching sun; what a coincidence. I felt like I had lost two good artist friends on this day. The only words spoken between us were what Hasnul said to me: " The one who should have been taken is still alive!" He was referring to himself when He had a phase 4 cancer of the Kidneys situation and is now fully recovered. The innocent and the good die young, I wanted to say but held it back so as not to complicate a fading relationship. The situation I am having with Hasnul is similar to that of my twin brother, and I see the similarity in the fact that they were in a high ranking government service, both were Directors and as such they treat others as though one is beneath them, or should be treated like an employee. I write about it in a little more detail only because I wish to clarify our status at least from my perspective, and as always, the Devil is in the details, especially in matters like this. Oh, one thing more he said. "We will be spending Hari Raya in Penang this year." I replied, " Oh yeah? You can come and visit my home on Hari Raya Day!"

Waiting for the casket to leave the Masjid  Hashim Yahaya after the Sembahyang Jenazah. 

Good Bye Azmi Husein - Malaysian Cartoonist -RIP.

 

One sad part of growing old is seeing your friends and family recalled one by one, and then a vibrant, productive, creative, and full of Love and Compassion toward one and all regardless of color snatched away from his life. Innalillahiwainnalillahirajiun! I was stumped!

"Kita kena nasi Kandak, Kampung Melayu, apa kata Macan?!"

Through your creative genius and passion, you have become a legend. You have left behind a legacy of faith, commitment, resilience, and devotion to your fellow man. This City, this State, owes you a debt of gratitude. In the name of all the Penang Artists, the Crowd on the street, and the walls of the city, I say Thank You, Alhamdullilah! my Son. I am sure they will have a Kampung Melayu Nasi Kandak for us when I see you again. 

Mi, Pagi Jumaat ni says minta maaf dan minta halal makan minum diantara kita. Sedeh tu sapa tak sedeh, hati sapa tak rasa kehilangan saorang sahabat yang tali penjalinan siratulrahim kita sama seperti saorang ayah dan saorang anak jantan;  sedeh sama seperti kehilangan saorang anak. 

Semoga Allah a.w.j. permudahkan segala jejak langkah menuju kearash Yang Maha Pencipta.

                                       Attempting the Longest Caricature Sketches on Paper

                                                           He was taken away too soon.

It's that time of the year - The Fasting Month of Ramadan!

 The third day of Ramadan, the fasting month in the Muslim calendar, of which I have written every year with one episode or another, and today being the third day of the fasting Month, I feel at a loss, a feeling of stagnation. The weather is hot, and I am hungry and thirsty with a numbing headache at the back of my skull. This is what the fasting month normally brings out of one, as expected. The true nature of the Fat month is experienced by those who follow it to its essence. I cannot! I can only do just as much and then some. I love the fasting Month, and I also have ambivalent feelings towards it. Not in any negative way, but just on my shallow observations and what I can and cannot do has no bearing upon how religious I am. I have no perception of what makes a good Muslim, a pious Muslim, or a simple true believer of Islam. I love Islam, but I am afraid I have not given a complete devotion to the practice of Islam. I am negligent in my mandatory prayers and such, and I have committed numerous transgressions in my past and perhaps even into my future. All in all, I have to say that the fasting Month of Ramadan gets tougher with each passing year! Of course, I can choose to be complacent and bear the guilt, or I can rationalize the Buddhist way and wiggle myself out of having to do it. Nah, this is the most challenging time of my life; it's Karma! It's healthy, and it keeps me awake and revitalized, and the pangs of hunger and thirst are nothing compared to the self-realization that it's all in all just, another brick in the wall, another line cast in the river, another thought floating in the empty sky. I like fasting, but I am not able to do it other than during the Fasting Month of Ramadan.

                           Danau Toba or Lake Toba, Sumatra, Indonesia.I drove around this lake in 2008

During the Month of Ramadan, I am faced with numerous challenges and doubts, especially when faith, spirituality, and practice merge into one big question: Who am I? Who or what am I afraid of? Why do I allow myself and my mind to be led here and there as though I have no say whatsoever? I am grateful to be able to enjoy yet another month of spiritual cleansing, and I will abide by the rules and precepts as best I can. Alhamdullilah! Praise be unto Him, Lord of Mercy and Compassion. I once heard Him whisper in my ear, "Be Happy! All you need to do is just be Happy!" It was during one of those critical moments of me going through a psycho/emotional tantrum, complaining about life to God, kind of moment. I heard loud and clear within me this, and immediately I was awakened from my bitchy mood. "The world will be happy with you, just Be Happy! No matter the outcome, just Be Happy! A Happy and joyful person will not jump off the Penang Bridge, nor will a Happy person create discord in society; a Happy man makes others happy, and a Happy soul makes the Divine Happy. The joy and challenge of the fasting month is in how one stays harmonious and happy throughout the day while fasting at the physical level and how one can stay pure in mind when one is addicted to scrolling the Internet. Curbing your thoughts from sensual delights is a major precept to observe during the Fasting period; the mind has to be kept in pure form, not distracted, preferably focused on the Divine. One cannot indulge in profanities and meaningless gossip, nor must one be backbiting or cursing others; instead, envision compassion and forgiveness.

Lake Toba (Indonesian: Danau Toba, Toba Batak: ᯖᯀᯬ ᯖᯬᯅ; romanized: Tao Toba) is a large natural lake in North Sumatra, Indonesia, occupying the caldera of the Toba supervolcano. The lake is located in the middle of the northern part of the island of Sumatra, with a surface elevation of about 900 metres (2,953 ft), the lake stretches from 2.88°N 98.52°E to 2.35°N 99.1°E. The lake is about 100 kilometres (62 miles) long, 30 kilometres (19 mi) wide, and up to 505 metres (1,657 ft) deep. It is the largest lake in Indonesia and the largest volcanic lake in the world.^[1] Toba Caldera is one of twenty geoparks in Indonesia,^[2] and was recognised in July 2020 as one of the UNESCO Global Geoparks.^[3][4][5]
 

Throughout my childhood, I had enjoyed being in the fetiveness of the Fasting Month. As children, the month meant food was different, better, and more in choices. Today, it is a major spiritual retreat, much more strenuous than a seven-day Seshin in the Zen School of Meditation Retreat. If strictly observed, the fasting month is a very effective way of realigning, getting back in balance, and attaining better syncrhroncity in the overall performance of the conscious and sub-conscious, material and Divine, mundane and the supernatural. Those who observe this month with purity of heart and sincerity of soul will be blessed in the here and now and the hereafter. This is the month that the Holy Quran was revealed to man, the month when the Angel Gabriel came to Muhammad and whispered, "Read!" From this moment on, Isalm came into being.Insha'Allah! The rest is the history of the religion as it is spread across the globe embracing other religions and cultures. Today, Islam is both feared and the fastest growing in number all around the world. To me, Islam is the answer to many of the ailments that our modern society is infected with, especially in social and interpersonal relationships. Do good and avoid sin is the tenet of most religions in the world, and so is it one of Islam's main principles.

Lake Toba is the site of a supervolcanic eruption estimated at VEI 8 that occurred 69,000 to 77,000 years ago,^[6][7][8] representing a climate-changing event. Recent advances in dating methods suggest a more accurate eruption date of 74,000 years ago.^[9] It is the largest-known explosive eruption on Earth in the last 25 million years. According to the Toba catastrophe theory, the eruption had global consequences for human populations as it killed most humans living at that time and is believed to have created a population bottleneck in central east Africa and India, which affects the genetic make-up of the human worldwide population to the present.^[10] A recent study has cast doubt on this theory and found no evidence of substantial changes in the global population.^[11]
 

It was a Mirracle- Indeed!

 "Aging is not something being taken away from us but something being given, aging is not an end, it is a new beginning, it is a Miracle!"-Quiet Wisdom.- YouTube.

Taking that one step beyond in Good Faith and Grace is the ultimate aim of everything that dies; this is the Truth of Suffering. To be present and awakened at the moment of death is a Miracle; making this happen is the goal of every living being in the Universe. The Impermenannce of life is the most subtle form of pain that we suffer as we grow older witnessing the changes that Outlooks is going through, we learn to surrender, to accept, to simulate all that we experienced and we move on to the next level of manifestation the realm of the inner world, the realm of the unknown, the realm of the unseen, the realm of formlessness, we move on to the other shore and continue our journey, we arrive home. Home is where the Heart Is! Meditate on the Heart Chakra and feel the expansion of your source of Compassion, Love, and Devotion. Feel your inner being struggling to be set free to express with all intensity its aspirations towards attaining a Bodhisattva vow fulfilled; Beings are Numberless, I Vow to Awaken with Them! If by chance someone reads this and it makes all the sense in the world to him/her, I would consider it my service accomplished in saving others from this realm of Maya. This is what happens when you seriously take a vow of the Bodhisattva Virtues; one is bound by the laws of karma that bind these vows to you. The vow also acts as an ankle band that keeps track of where you are and who you be. It discourages one from being overconfident and feeling cocky about one's prowess. It is the Very Duty of a Bodhisattva to serve, to help ease the pain and burden of others in the most skillful ways. it is no easy vow to make, but it has been made. For as long as I breathe, I am at the service of Humanity and all other Sentient Beings of this Universe.

For whatever it is worth, I am willing to admit that I have at last come to realize who I truly am at the present moment, as I am not sure what the next moment will bring. I am Whole! Complete and Perfect, Strong and Powerful, Loving and Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy! I can be what I choose to be or do what I want to do. So help me God! InshaAllah. When in doubt, remind yourself of your affirmations or remind yourself of your vows made to be a servant. Islam accepts servitude as a very formidable form of prayer, more so than the normal prayer ritual five times a day. This ritual is aimed at the individual's salvation, whereas servitude involves the well-being of the rest of the Sentient Beings. With every breath you take, you manifest Loving Kindness and Compassion to the external world, the reflection of who you are. You may not be wearing the garment or a robe of the monk, but you still manifest yourself as the Bodhisattva of Infinite Compassion attending to the call of the suffering from all ten directions, six realms, and past, present, and future. This is the state of being an awakened soul after eons of evolution, burning karmic states and creating new ones; this is the Path of the Chosen Ones. 

Part of the fun of growing old is the fact that you can talk yourself into believing anything just so long as it helps you to stay awake and take care of the business at hand. Here I am, feeling all exuberant and abundant over nothing in particular but elated nonetheless. I am in a complete and perfect state of consciousness where all seems as good as it should be. Nothing to hope for and nothing to lose. I am expecting a surprise from somewhere at any time now, so I am a little excited. Now I am looking forward to receiving the 'gifts' from the Universe, the Higher Power, the Lord God, from Allah s.t.a. I feel rich already! I feel like I have all the money at my disposal, and what do I do with all this wealth? I will leave it up to my imagination; I am good in this department. In fact, my imagination is one of my most impeccable assets as a man.

                     Every character that sits before me is a person or potentiality full of possibilities.

I would spend hours staring into the horizon at my secondary school, which was next to the sea. I would find myself sitting on the seawall and making up stories about how cold the Alaska landscape must be or what it would be like to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was a dreamer. At 13 -15, I was reading James Michener and Harold Robins, novels that soaked my mind with dreams of what it would feel like ... the snow! the Desert! The mega Cities were all dreams and imaginations triggered by such novels as Hawaii, Alaska, Chesapeake, Harold Robins's The Dream Merchants, The Carpet Beggars, and so forth; I had great teachers where imagination is concerned. I realized that what I had imagined as a young teenager would materialize and manifest as it had in my adult life. Never in my teenage life did I imagine that I would live in the Mid-West State of Wisconsin for eight years of my life to feel snow, or live for two years in Alaska, in the Aleutian Chains, There is no doubt in my mind now looking back at what has transpired in my life the past 70 odd years is indeed a Miracle! Do I believe in Miracles? Yeah! Fuck yeah! Maybe a little too late to admit it, but I am blessed; that much I can safely say, and I fully acknowledge it most of the time in silence. Sometimes, I would even deny myself thinking thoughts that I truly did not deserve such blessings, such forgiveness, assistance, and guidance, but now I am fully committed to the feeling of being a magnet to miracles is not such a bad idea after all.

                                        I have been poor on the needy side of life, but I enjoyed it like a gift.

The miracles in my life have been almost hidden from view when it happen, like a snap of a lightning bolt in a midnight sky! Now you see it you don't. The miracles were never extravagant or epic in proportion, but they nonetheless were there, making every move I made almost choreographed by an unseen movie Director. I did not accept being led or managed in any way, guided or otherwise, not even by the Buddhas themselves! I am my own man, and I will abide by my own rules and commitments, my own choice of actions free from any external manipulations; I grew up a very stubborn and angry man in my younger days and took no nonsense from fakery in life. Unknowingly, I had taken one step too many and deviated from any religious piety or submission for many years while living in the West. Then, I found a book called The Way of Zen by Alan Watts. I found it among books by J. Krishnamurti and Fritjorf Kapra, and one book in particular by Richard Bach, which caught my interest, a book called The Illusion, or the Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. Illusions woke me up to the reality that I was in: living in Green Bay, Wisconsin, with no future to look to, I was the piece of wood drifting down the stream learning the meaning of letting go. I was working my way through college as a librarian helper and had all the time to check out all the books at my leisure or simply sat there and read them in between working hours. Indeed, a miracle! A small but significant miracle. A song by Leonard Cohen, I think. It's a miracle!

I have had the opportunity to meet them on the Streets of San Francisco and in restaurants when it gets cold at night.

Today, I am looking back to realize how much of a miracle my life has been! I am simply grateful to the Power that Be. I am grateful for the numerous blessings I have received, knowing or unknowingly, I am blessed; Alhamdullilah! r.a. I made it through ten years of my life in the Bay Area of San Francisco. It was a Miracle!

  

Do I believe in Miracles? I know miracles are attracted to me.

 Am I a Magnet to miracles? Do miracles happen to me all the time? Do I need miracles to happen all the time in my life? Do I even deserve to have miracles happen to me when all I  have been is but a repentant sinner, a wrongdoer, a charlatan at the best!; And, I am not even good at it! I am sitting in my towel munching wasabi-coated nuts while making this post, should I go and take a warm shower? It helps to loosen the aches and pains, I will all in good time. I wish to dwell a little upon 'Miracles' in my life. I have to admit right off the bat that I have lived a miraculous life and am eternally grateful to my Creator, my Divine Source, my Supreme Soul, Allah aza wa jalla! Only He manifests miracles in my existence and only His will manifests miracles. I am but a receiver of His gifts and yes I live a very miraculous life thanks to little and large miracles that have transpired in my life I am here making this miracle happen, this sharing of a journey of one seeker to another, one brother to another, one sister to another to keep an ongoing 'in touch' with the Universe Collective Consciousness, kind of movement going among the awakened and aware, let's create a miracle! Let us dream big and create a sanctuary for the displaced children of the war and conflict worldwide, calling it Noah's Ark of Lost Souls. We have the means and the ways all we need is the 'Will Power " to take it into our hands and create, make manifest our intention, let it be known that Miracles do Happen! And we can make it happen as ordained to us by our Maker, mine and yours no matter the color He comes in. 

                                 The Daruma Doll, Why did Bodhi Dharma come to the East?

In human history, we have never needed miracles more than we do today.  We are sitting at the edge of a precipice looking at a Nuclear Disaster about to be unleashed before us. The miracle is that most of us are cool and calm about it, like it all is as it is meant to be and there is so little that we can do, our planet is slowly but surely crumbling before our eyes and we are at a loss. What can I do? I am willing to take on a Mega Miracle Project somewhere on the East Coast of Terengganu, will you join my train, my  DC Freedom Train. So ask yourselves can you help make miracles happen in your lifetime! How far are you willing to let your mind imagine in the manifesting of this imagination this "dream," All I ask is at least nudge me in the right direction whenever you see me drifting here and there, help me set the course. To get even a response from my readers at this moment is a miracle for me, who would really care, much less lend a hand in easing the way. I have to ask. I am telling you of my Desire my dream, my miracle that is happening. Asking is part of the 'ritual', the dance of the movement, one has to ask, what do I need? Not what I want but what I need. What do I need to make a miracle happen from scratch? I have no bank account to my name and I have no pension or any source of income right at the moment so how do I wish to build an institution for Displaced Children? Indeed, let's pray for a Miracle! Better yet let us collectively create one. If we all embrace the law that we are potentially magnets for miracles then collectively we form a pretty powerful magnetic force that could shift the very foundation of this planet itself. However that is not our original intention, our intention is to set up my studio and gallery first as a base camp. 

                                                        The Doll within, the doll.

The journey of a thousand miles begins here, and now I am on my way to enter the Gateless gate and explore what lies beyond. I would love to hear what others have to say about my already fulfilled intention, my already realized vision of setting up an Art Studio cum Gallery and later metamorphosing into an institute for Displaced Children. We will even ask Elon Musk if he would chip in for the cause. If worse has happened, why not dream big? I say, "If you want to smell good, call Elon!" At the end of the day, as the old saying goes, 'Money talks and Bulllshit walks!"Where money is concerned no man has more than Elon! If I keep on knocking on his door he just might answer and unleash a wrath of wealth on my project! I can imagine as far-out a story as I want to because it is all the story that makes sense to me right now. I would ensure all the children are trained in AI and the latest technology has to offer. These will be the vanguard of the future generation of survivors who will lead humanity out of the mud hole we find ourselves in today. This message will never get to his ear but I trust the Universe will get in touch with Him sooner than later; it is done! Am I crying for the moon? No, I am not! What I am asking the Universe, God, Allah a.w.j., is short of a Supreme Miracle to happen simply because that is what I desire and what I intend to happen. Help me if you can but stand not in my way if you choose not to. 

                                                 Wrapped within the is what is the without.

Someday, they will make a movie out of all these. Yes, there are so many stories within stories in this long and tedious Blog that not turning it into an epic saga would be tantamount to sacrilege. This is the path of the Cheeseburger Buddha, where the East melted into the West and the West twisted and turned into the East within and without. This is where it all boils down to the epic story of a journey of faith and self-discovery, a journey of never-ending stories. This story began in the mangrove swamp where one evening a pair of twins were born and one was only expected; I was the second. In the darkness where there was no electricity my Auntie who was also a midwife delivered a twin when she had just had a son of her own a week earlier. Now that was a miracle! Often later in my life reminded me that I could have drowned in my mother's blood has she had not realized that there was another one waiting to come out, she had thought my mother was hemorrhaging. To spare my parents the grief of having an extra mouth to feed, I was given up for adoption by my mother's younger brother; my Uncle. Henceforth began my childhood life being raised estranged from my immediate family, especially my twin brother. The rest is written in the Blog in more detail all in the effort to get the story right.  

                                   Leave it up to the Japanese to create such exquisite beauty

 

Where to Begin to tell a Story of how Great a Life can Be!

 There have been many affirmations that I have adhered to in the course of my journey toward self-discovery, self-awareness, and so forth. They came from words spoken to me by my teachers and friends, by my mother and father, and the one that I had held the longest and practiced with faith and diligence is the one that I had found in the book called "The Masterkey," an inspirational book about life and how to navigate through it by Frank Haarnel and this was when I first left Malaysia with my wife and son. It became my Bible and from this affirmation, I now am beginning to feel the fruition of its merits. It is a fine feeling of lightness when your breath becomes synchronized with what is within and without. It is the feeling of complete alignment with the rest of Humanity and the Universe. I feel like a fool who just woke up to find himself a bigger fool. This is the paradox, this is the mirror, this is the gateless gate! This is where it all happens and other is nothing that needs to be done other than accept and surrender. The lines that were written are as follows...

I Am Whole! Complete and Perfect,                                                                                                                Strong and Powerful, Loving and Compassionate,                                                                                            Harmonious and Happy: I can do what I will to do!                                                                                          InshaAllah! God Willing.!

The Master Key System is a personal development book by Charles F. Haanel that was originally published as a 24-week correspondence course in 1912, and then in book form in 1916.^[1] The ideas it describes and explains come mostly from New Thought philosophy. It was one of the main sources of inspiration for Rhonda Byrne's film and book The Secret (2006).

This affirmation has been with me since I arrived in the United States with my wife and son in 1973-4. Unknowingly, it has kept me alive through thick and thin. A few weeks ago, while Listening to a Neville Goddard video on a similar subject, I noticed that the first affirmation he quoted was exactly this same affirmation, almost word for word. I sent chills down my spine in the middle of the night sitting outside of my apartment enjoying the cool quiet night, I felt a shockwave of energy fly through me. I have found my 'Master key!" My gratefulness towards my Lord and Creator for having this momentary realization is paramount, Alhambullilah! Thank You, Lord! I see it now Your gift is impeccable in timing and placement. I am thankful even for this instant of being able to express my inner feelings as I am presently doing is short of a miracle and again Alhamdullilah, Thank You, Lord! It took years of persistence and stubbornness for me to be awakened by the moment I heard the affirmation being mentioned on Neville Goddard's Podcast. I have been saying it, but not fully absorbed into what I was saying, so it takes time to mature; I lack faith in who I am/was. I was destined to take the walk on the wild side, the road less traveled, and the never-ending story of how I have come to be who I am.               "I am Whole, Complete, and Perfect!" hang on to that one line, one Koan, one Mantra,                                in your belly and find out what it means in truth! Until you discover the truth it will keep your belly warm with the burning sensation like you hold a fireball in your belly and it threatens to explode unless you find the key to release its pressure. And the key is at your fingertip, has always been and you knew it not. You were not aware of your own hidden potential, with all the possibilities presented before you what will you do with it? What is my original intention? 

In the video, Neville instead of saying, "I can do what I want to do," said" I can be who I want to Be', which I like better and will adopt in my future practice. I will accept my lines better to be constantly corrected by this new program for checking my writing. Soon if I keep it up I will lose my own train of thought, not mean to be ungrateful but sometimes Self - independence matters. These lines were memorized and repeated in my mind until I became synchronized with its energy and essence, it hit me like thunder rumbling into the distance. I am The Universe! I am the eternal and formless consciousness of Being and am manifesting my existential nature in this human form; I am Who I am. I say this with utter commitment and faith that I stand by it as my 'Dharma Position.' The ground of  Primordial Being upon which I stand for each and every commitment I make henceforth. 

There are many other affirmations I picked up as I grew older and I began sewing them together like a tapestry of stories and songs, I became addicted to acquiring knowledge and seeking wisdom, I became obsessed even, and through these moments of ignorance, I lost my way every so often finding myself on the other side of light/goodness. In its earlier stages, my actions were automatically drawn by the desire to have, to acquire to possess all for the sake of feeling safe and protected. I played it safe so to speak, I was not immersed totally in my commitment but merely was still window shopping for answers. Now it is different, I am doing what I want to do, Being who I want to Be and it all comes down to simply Being Who I am at this moment in space and time...Where Do I Begin???

              

What is is the result of what was and what has been; Experience Life.

 If I were to start a fundraiser, I would need to set up a proper procedure and justify my actions. As it involves money, and I believe loads of it would be pouring in from all over the world, I will need all the help I can get to set up a proper management committee to run the fiscal side of my venture. Namely, me! My daughter, perhaps,, Ben Ronjen, and maybe Joan Cheong Ronjen. When I look at it as an idea, I feel like it is much too large an idea for me to undertake at my age, that is not a good assumption to make and in the past, it has been my self-defeatist attitude like this that stops me short of claiming my place in fulfilling my dreams. I am in no hurry to get there as within me I am already there, my wishes and desires are being fully rewarded sometimes in no small ways. I have great faith in the fact that I am one of the chosen ones to carry out the Will of My Lord. I am the manifestation of His Compassion and Mercy and His Loving Grace, I am That I am. I am here after a long and tedious journey of this life for the past 75 years and now am claiming my final desire to be made a reality. I am looking for my fellow travelers, seekers, healers, and Bodhisattvas to come to my aid in making this dream a reality in the shortest of time and the most miraculous fashion; I am asking you to make it happen! The House of Hope, perhaps this is a good name for the facility. Reminds me of Hope Cottage on top of the hill at Green Gulch Farm built by the owner and Rancher Mr. Wheelwright for his wife. When you sit at Hope Cottage you will be facing the whole Grreen Gulch Valley leading to the Pacific Ocean ending at Muir Beach. I spent almost two years of my life as a Zen-practicing student at the Green Dragon Zen Community.

 

          This young lady from Nova Scotia, Canada raised nine boys and adopted me to be number ten.                She asked me to name my daughter after her name Estelle, Marissa Estelle Bahari.

A friend who was like a brother to me at the Zen Temple once warned me to keep a good reputation, or it would come back to bite me. I failed to take his advice and at the end of the day I was ceremoniously kicked out of the Zen Community for being a 'Disrupter'. Yes, my past if I were to dwell on it is full of stories,  some good some too bitter to swallow. I have dwelled upon my past very thoroughly ever since I started keeping my journals and posting this Blog. I stopped beating myself over the head for all the errors I had committed it does no good except keep me in a loop of negative emotions. Today I reemphasize my standing, my Dharma position as who I perceive myself to be bereft of all the past baggage and free from any mental clingings, I declare myself fully surrendered to the will of my Maker, my Lord, Allah s.w.t. There is not a breath I take that is not of His manifestation of the life in me. I am His humble servant bidding His desire. I am His witness. I have walked the spiritual path for most of my life as I was exposed to all manner of religious contempt and persecution due to my religious upbringing. I was born Muslim as both my parents were converted to Islam and then I was immediately given up for adoption by my uncle who raised me as a Buddhist for the first twelve years of my life. Read it in more detail somewhere in my Blog. It has been one of my favorite narratives whenever I justify myself.

           My close friend and Zen Instructor Ed Brown, like me, was also removed from the San Francisco             Zen Community. I wonder if he is still singing, 'Rudy toot toot to the Moon.'

Indeed I write repetitiously to keep reminding myself to stay the moment and accept being who I am it is my therapeutic way of assuming my ultimate Dharma Position while on this plane of existence and I am enjoying it very much; it is almost like talking to God and listening to Him. Knowing He is present at every breath I take and every move I make, La haula wala kuata illa billa aliul azim. I surrender my heart and soul unto His command as I take my next step towards my final destiny. I am but a manifestation of my higher self in His Image; for I was created in His Image. With this sense of elatedness in me I intend to fulfill a dream I have been fostering to manifest it into a reality before I move on to the other shore and leave all these behind me. This will be my answer to the Calls of Gaza and all the other conflict-ridden nations. My first intention is to set up my own Studio, a simple Malay-type house close to the Beach that will be renovated into an exquisite studio gallery where I can create and teach art and entertain friends. From then on the intention/plan is to expand the whole idea into an institution like an art school but not quite, more like a home for "Displaced Children" from local as well as foreign kids. Old man Lao Tzu said, "The journey of a thousand Li (miles) begins with the first step," Will you walk with me?

We had many good friends while living in San Francisco, I wonder what becomes of David and Diane.

Will you become part of my Dream?

 Looking ahead, I feel much in tune with the man I had envisioned myself growing into in my elderly age. I feel the energy within me driving my physical body with a very subtle force at every task I undertake, every action I take,, and the balance of rest and motion that happens now more than usual. Sometimes it is daunting if not scary that I am seeing myself moving with so much ease and as though the Universe itself is keeping my routes open and my path enlightened. I am still sidetracked every now and then, drifting from one roadside attraction to another, I find that I am more and more aware of these moments in my mind and I can delete these negative thoughts and limiting assumptions or at least brush them aside, I feel more focused in my daily commitments, the routine I have created for me to perform on the daily basis, like cooking and cleaning, laundry and such; I have been a single father for the last 10 years and I am the father and the mother to my two children. I always believe that I teach best by my own performances and that means teaching by example. Now I feel very close to both Karim and Marissa, I am more confident to leave them for a while to fulfill my vision of having my own Art Studio and Gallery somewhere along the East Coast. In my entire career as an artist, I have never owned my own personal studio or gallery mostly because I move around too much. The same with owning a house, I doubt that I will or can afford one even if I want to, but, who knows, things are happening like small miracles, weird synchronicities, and I feel it is that time when I put my foot down and establish my own space. InshaAllah! 

I know and am saddened by the fact that somewhere in the Gaza Strip children are facing death day in and day out and realistically I feel helpless and in despair. However, I will do what I can for the children in the kampong where I will raise my studio and gallery. I am more than qualified to do what I aspire to, and it is a most productive endeavor for one who will soon leave the scene; I would love to leave a legacy no matter small or insignificant that has a positive impact on one or two children. The studio will be where I will wrap up my journey as an artist. Whatever form that will take is yet to be revealed to me and I am in no hurry to get back into making artwork. It would be a bucket dream to be able to set up a Printmaking Shop. It will start with small attainable tasks like looking for the perfect site where it is located near the sea and the main road. Abandoned homes that might be rented and renovated with a little help from my friends and family. I know it will cause a lot of concern from my brothers and sisters, this I will have to resolve in time, to convince them that I will not burden them in any way. They each have their own pots to stir and I will avoid getting them involved unless they volunteer the help. 

Hence the Fundraising Drive that I am setting in motion that I hope will manifest some cash flow for me to survive while running around looking for the location of my future Art Studio and Gallery. So I ask all those who read this post and are touched by the plea I am making to make a contribution towards this Fund drive, to help me accomplish my desire to bring this journey to a positive and productive end. In time I will have my daughter set up the process for this fundraising. My children will be making sure that I am well provided in the meantime as they have been doing for the past eight years. and in extreme cases, there are two more living abroad that would not let this old man get knocked around too much. It is my assumption that help will materialize from somewhere and the most unlikely sources. This I have come to accept as a fact. I am confident in what I am doing and never felt more so than I am now and I feel indeed like I have already succeeded, it is in my imagination to achieve this goal. 

Pipe dream or not, I have smoked the pipe and I am hooked on moving forward into the next dimension, into a higher more increased dimension of my existence before it all comes to pieces. I have always been accused of being a dreamer by my teachers and elders as I was maturing at my age. I had great teachers as I was growing up and it is in their name and honor that I spend this moment making this claim to myself at 4:30am. while listening to my son snoring on the sofa behind me. He passed out after a long battle of hacking and killing the God of War video game. It helps to be reminded that another soul is breathing in the room, it means I am alive. So what?! So I am just here to troll, whatever that means, simply because I have insomnia and make believe that I am programmed to wake up at around three in the morning and make my entries into this lengthy Blog; it has become an obsession, a habit, a routine and I spend my early mornings telling stories, personal stories, friendships and soul mates, gurus and teachers and all the rest of them. Mind and memories, the past that clings to this future to this moment, without memories our minds would go insane or so we think. We assume we know. We hide behind the truth even when it is being yelled out so loud in our heads, still, we hide our heads buried in the sand. How can I be responsible for the atrocities being committed in Gaza and the rest of the war-torn countries! I would like to create a facility where I can provide a comfortable space for giving the Children from these countries a retreat. A Rehabilitation School for Displaced Children.

The Last Resort will be like a foster home for refugees or displaced children, where they will be cared for by professionals who have time and compassion to offer in the service of humanity instead of asking, "Oh, but what can I do?" I would call my establishment the 'Last Resort'. This is the name Ben and I came out with after taking a walk on the wild side one day. Letting our imagination run free we came upon the idea of me moving to the East Coast and setting up my Art Studio there where he can make regular visits with our friends and my children too with their friends now that she has her own Diving license. My daughter is all out with the idea of my moving to the East Coast and she is setting up the fundraiser for my cause. Karim my son is a whole different story, one cannot predict his mind but I am sure that he will always be there for me in his own way. The Naz, "I will see what I can do!" will be his response and Timo is aiming at going to Japan with a broken neck, literally. So I know I got the support of my children one way or another. 

I have nephews and nieces all over this country. I know I can count on their support and promotion of my intentions in the best way they can, as my journey dreams, and aspirations are not solely mine. If there is an answer to what I can do for the Displaced children of war-torn countries, albeit Palestine, Syria, Sudan, or the rest of them, I would open a Sanctuary for them like a school for the healing process of traumatized children. It is a tall order for the stubborn man with an imagination and a desire to fulfill. Can I make it happen? Of course, it has already, the words are written on the walls and soon the right ears and hearts will listen and act accordingly out of compassion. In answer to the question, of how can I make a difference in helping to ease the burden of pain and suffering of displaced children around the world, I hereby lay my ultimate intention; will you help me make it happen. Now that you have heard the details of the story will you walk with me I'm counting every soul that reads this and asks the same question to nudge me in the right direction to make things happen.