Tuesday, March 15, 2016
I keep trying to read the translation of the Quran and still finds it too much negativity, too much talk of hell and punishment for the likes of me. I keep trying to pray five times a day and i cannot fullfill the obligation without feeling like a hypocrite. So where do i stand with my Lord? I am fucked where the afterlife is concern as thought i am not already in this life. I am in pain, physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain and finds it hard to not get lost in despair as had happened before time and again in my past.
I had not wanted to make anymore entries into my blog as I really have no more nice thins to talk of, no more inspirations to share with, but oonly moans and groans, ramblings of a sick and tired mind that has been run through the grind of this so called life. But seeing that i had made a commitment towards this voluntary record keeping of my ongoing life and having accumulated readers from many parts of the world for better or worse i feel obligated to be true to my cause. My experiment with life will go on and it will be recorded and hopefully before I die I will be able to write my conclusion. As it is suffice to say that i am a man who have 'squandered all my resistance for a pocket full of marbles.' I have nothing to brag of in terms of properties, no home not even a rented room for me and my two children. I have a car but it actually belongs to my mechanic friend who out of his kindness had allowed me to use it. I am practically unemployed and thus no income to actually fall back on and I am getting old with a body slowly giving way to wear and tear. In short, i am fucked!
I should be ashamed of myself and yes i am, come to think of it. Why or how had i allowed myself to come to this pathetic state in my life? I am ashamed to my two children who deserves much better than i am able to give them; I have failed my promise to their late mother. So, where did i go wrong? Was i ever right? Have i bungled myself so bad that my two remaining brothers are even scared to set eyes on me much less ask how i am doing? Is this what happens when i cannot bow five time a day before God or has God really have anything to do with it?
I know i blew it all myself as time and again i have been given ample opportunity to make good my life but i have failed to grasp the chances and let things slide for one odd reason or another. No sense in looking back is there, most of it is all written here in this lengthy Blogging anyway. I have skipped a whole lot of failures which had been grave stumbling blocks in my path and it is only because these are too sensitive and will prove of no consequence to better help those who read understand any better my faults where it involves the lives of others intimately. I will carry the crucifix on my back to the grave where these are concern and at my age it is too late to regret not that it would do any good anyway.
I have tried to be as truthful and honest as i possibly could throughout writing this Blog and not all that I have written are the whole truth, as the whole truth would hurt others and their reputation as well as mine would be at stake. On matters that involves others in term of fairness and so forth I would keep the cans unopened and leave the worms inside. Perhaps these worms will crawl out in the grave when the cans are rusted and can contain them no more.
To be Contd.