Tuesday, September 08, 2015
Where do i begin and where will it end?
Being nothing, doing nothing, having nothing knowing nothing; what have i to look forward to? Not a thing! It is the most boring tedious and empty kind of place to be or so it seems. Is there a silver lining of any kind behind this experiment? Is there any hope for a better place or state of being to achieve? Nothing. I feel my life drifting into a hollow space a vacuum that is physically making me ache all over as there is no sense of direction or aim that i need to head for make any effort to get to. It feels like i am falling to pieces while the world around me spin into chaos of darkness and destruction and i am helpless to do anything about it; I am drowning. Not a good place to be, not a good feeling to have.
How did i go wrong or where am i going wrong with this experiment or living in a state of being nothing or short of living in a state of Emptiness? How come i am having all these doubtful thoughts about my future or even my present? Am I becoming afraid actually of amounting to nothing as compared to those who have everything? Am I beginning to feel like i have mad a gross error in taking this route in life in wanting nothing and hoping for nothing or am i not fully committed towards this experiment and somehow and somewhere have faltered into wanting to be something as it gets clear that i am afraid of amounting to nothing in this so called life that i am leading/ Questions! Doubts and trepidation, fear and unsure. Is all this simply an escape from living life just as it is, having a 9-5 job and earning a salary to pay for everything just like everyone else and justify my existence.
Thoughts! Ideas! The more deeply i am drifting into my practice of self discovery or getting to know who I am or whatever spiritual exercise I am into, I am not as confident as i thought i could be or should be. How did i go wrong? Did the realization that i am growing older and really am devoid of any material means to support myself in my old age triggered this self doubt? Or did the short illness that I had experienced not too long ago raised issues of what would become of me in times of dire need. I am asking these meaningless questions of myself as a way to slow down my mind from gathering momentum into drowning my further into oblivion of despair and desperation. I am at my crossroads of giving in to defeat or pushing on towards the unknown of what lay there beyond on this path that i am taking. This path of renunciation, of letting go, of giving up or giving in or whatever it is that i am suppose to accomplish in order that my experiment with life as a nothing can proceed towards its conclusion.
Perhaps out of weakness i have become trapped between wanting something more rather than face the consequences of being nothing. Perhaps true to my nature i need action, i need to do something, or that I cannot be seen by others as a hopeless non entity with nothing to speak of. Perhaps i am comparing myself to all my brothers and sister and my cousins who have achieved something of their lives. Perhaps i am ashamed of who I have become in this material world of having everything and feeling like a looser when i don't. Perhaps I am ashamed of how my children would see me at the end of the day, their father the wannabe nothing. Perhaps it is all of the above and the game is not yet over or that it has hardly began. The the fruit of my practice for whatever it is worth has yet to materialize for better or worse. I have yet to dive deeper and bear the depth of being deprived of having anything; I have hardly touched the state of emptiness of my soul.
And this too will pass...