Thursday, October 01, 2015

Note to myself.

Some times we take on too much in our lives planning to live life better than the rest and having more than our share until we have no idea what to do with what excess we have. Success it seems is being able to accumulate as much as possible and show the world that we have earned the right to be rich and wealthy because we have taken on more than most in order to own what we have. When we have accumulated a fair share of our hard earned properties and belongings we become misers and and cling on to our wealth like there is no end to it. Often we become blind to those in need accusing them of not working hard enough like we did to become as affluent as we have become. It is a wonder why the rich finds it harder to give than the poor, and i have my family to look at, don't need to look too far for examples and i am pretty sad that as much as i want to cherish and respect their successes in life, i cannot, simply because they have become stingy. If they give, I find there is always a string attached and often followed by a condescending judgement to make the recipient develop low self esteem about themselves, which is often why most often those who are in need refuses to ask.  
You may call me envious or jealous or vindictive in my accusation, but at my age it does not matter anymore and after all the negative experiences i have had in dealing with my family I know i do not give a damn anymore if they feel whatever it is they feel about me or my children. I realize too that this is simply my mind needing to regurgitate past dramas and have it all squared away, shoved for good hopefully into the  back recesses somewhere where they will forever be shelved and not manifest into present consciousness once and for all. These are fears and taboos that the ego is afraid to yell out loud for fear of loosing out on sibling relationship or as the Muslim calls it 'Siratul rahim', that bond between families. These are my skeletons hanging out in my closet and they need to be exposed for better or worse; I do not need them anymore cluttering up my mind and making their presence felt every now and then when I least expect. Guilt conscience is a bad trip and causes more anxieties than any other emotional pressures and I have carried my guilty feelings about my family long enough; it is time to say fuck off! It is over, no more remorse or anger, no more regrets or loss if I do not see any of you the day I die; you have gone your way and I mine. I set myself free from having anything to do with you and yours. 
It is said that negative thoughts in whatever forms they manifest carries weight or density and they weigh you down sometimes physically in the form of migraine headaches and acid and indigestion. High anxieties is when you carry too much negative thoughts in your mind especially in the forms of guilt and defeat or low self esteem about yourself due to the perception of others on who you are. This you have to eliminate from your consciousness if you are to set yourself free and negative thoughts that keeps popping up into your mind are like cancerous virus that needs to be removed with a scalpel once and for all; at least do it before you die so you can really rest in peace. These are to the Buddhist, 'deep rooted karmas' and they are stubborn parasites that has been feeding upon your energy making you feel less than you are. Like you scrub your skin every time you take your bath, you need to scrub your mind of all these hungry ghosts that feeds on your vital energies.
Remove all your excess baggage and don't be afraid to call a spade a spade if you have to as your mental state is as stake here. Wisdom is a double edged sword and it cuts both ways; it is just as compassionate to say black is black or screw you if in admitting so it helps to liberate your own being; just as it is wise to refrain from making any judgment. Fear is the key to all suffering as fear keeps the mind in bondage and a mind in bondage will never find truth. Allow yourself the freedom to be as you see fit, because no one else is going to allow you otherwise. Make sure you look good at the finger that is pointing at others, that it is free from blemish, and if you do point at others make sure you realize that the other four fingers are pointing back at you. It is not in how long you have lived life but in how well, how rich your life is depends on how much you have given in return.
The man who says he is not afraid of death has not lived. God is found at the end of the rainbow, but you must first find the rainbow. The journey of self discovery is like looking for the rainbow, having found it you will have to cross to the other end where lies the Divine that you are. This is Enlightenment.
PEACE - LOVE AND COMPASSION is your only baggage.           

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