God and me.

Woke up and did my subuh or fajr, or morning prayer after a real wet dream of being with a bikini clad young caucasian lady running all over some weird beach trying to find a place to fornicate. We ran from one weird scene to another but was always obstructed by  other peoples' presence. When at last I was ready to desperately fulfill my lut I managed to get myself to the lustful pursuit in some little corner of the beach hidden from sight i could not do it because i found I was wearing a condom that was filled with a few coins at the tip of the rubber! Weird! I felt the tip of my penis was blocked from making my entry and much less ejaculting.
I was woken up by the distant sound of prayer that came from the loud speakers of the State Mosque as the morning prayer was being performed. Normally the sound of the call to prayer by the Muezzin would be much louder but I missed it entirely and was awaken by the much softer sound of the prayer itself. I got out of bed begrudgingly and almost went back to sleep but decided to not give in to my weakness. I am and has been weak when it comes to performing my prayers especially the morning prayer. For the past week I must have missed two or three days of the morning prayer and felt not much of a loss about it and i am 68 years old! My God! How I have come to this! It is not that I am afraid of being punished but I am more ashamed of my not having the will and discipline enough to carry out this obligation. Priding myself as one who meditates and pursue spiritual practices, I am helpless when it comes to praying two 'rakats' or prostrations, the first of the five daily prayers in the early morning hours in honor of my Lord!
This has been my lot in truth throughout most of my life as far as my faith an belief in God is concern. had i been successful in fornicaitng in my dream I would have skipped yet another morning prayer. I remember an experience many years ago upon returning to Malaysia from the US, whereby i was humping away at a female companion in real life while the call to prayer from a nearby mosque was loud and clear thirteen floors down below me. I was so lost into my sexual drive that I tried to block away my guilt conscience and  satisfied my lust. This episode in my life has haunted me and my mind has kept replaying this scenario again and again ever since. Call this a wake up call, or call it the subconscious mind's way of spiritual house cleaning, I am convinced that Allah has finally taken heed my call for atonement and repentant; Insha'Allah.