Friday, September 08, 2017

I too need to die before i die.

"Awareness is now, stay in the awareness, it is your saving grace."
Mooji - (Mu ji) Baba.

Awoken at 6am., sat in meditation and followed by some stretching exercising before i got up and took care of the itch between my legs, that which woke me up in the first place. Applied the itch powder and watched it stings and burns for a few minutes before it subsides. The sensation itself was like watching someone else feeling the sting I was just a witness to it. It felt like it was just a necessary episode that the body has to endure in order to heal. I was lying flat on my back and the energy flowed through my whole body realigning skin and muscles and bones till the tip if my coxis thar squeezed tightly shut and when the muscles were released my legs dropped off to the sides like surrendering, relaxed, I felt the whole body let go of all the tensions and the mind just quiet; I felt a sense of lightness of being.
Not wanting to continue sleeping i got up and decided to listen yo one of Mooji's satsang on You Tube. I first listened to a video entitled "Who is Mooji," thinking to myself . 'Oh no, not another revelation about who the real Mooji is, the corrupt, manipulating, egotistical blah, blah! :there goes my Guru! But instead I listened to a most revealing profile of yet another Great Master in the line of Sri Ramana Maharshi; I was relieved. What was also rewarding in listening to this video was the explanation on the difference 
between a Master and a Teacher. 
While sitting in meditation earlier one of the things that arose in my mind was about insanity and how I often felt like I often attract the attention of the mentally  unstable on the street. Like i would be sitting and enjoying a meal in a coffee shop by myself and suddenly be joined ny and insane man like i had invited him. In a crowd I would be picked out by a deranged man as though I carry a card on my chest that reads, ' your insane brother.' I was almost attacked by a mentally unstable once and the only thing that kept him from harming me was a tall gate and fence. It happens so often enough in my life that it has became a phobia for me. For whatever reason I felt a complex if not a connection with these mental cases and it was for a while making me wonder if it is telling me of my state of mind. Am I deep down in me insane? 
Well not this morning, thank God, but often enough, I wondered at how much my mind can handle the myriads of thoughts in my head and still remain rational. Is there a breaking point, of being overload like a dam that can no longer hold back so much water; it is a scary issue. I sometimes feel like walking the tight rope of sanity and insanity and every so often I would find myself favoring insanity as it would help me to relieve the valve and ease the pressure that often builds up within me often out of sheer anger over something beyond my control. I used to have a violent prone mental state and was advised to seek psychiatric aid and i did while I was living in San Francisco, Ca. "Sam. you have an anger management issue, why don't you go and see my friend Doctor margolis in Marin County, maybe he can help you out." At the cost of $75USD and hour I was seeing a shrink.
This morning, I have let yet another cat out of the bag about who I am or was. It was like and answer for yet another silent cry for help that the second video I listened to of Mooji's Satsang was entitled, " Reaction to sexual abuse." The man who was being interviewed or talked to with Mooji had a similar issue that resonates my own; I too need to die before i die.

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