Friday, June 09, 2017

Mind my own mind.

What is really going on in my life at this moment in time? Well i don't really have a clue except that i am feeling like i am struggling against myself. There is nothing out there anymore other than the normal conditions of debt and financial survival, the aches and pains of a creeping in of old age and the lack of energy and enthusiasm or lack of motivation in general. Why? Well, I cannot put my finger on the money exactly but i have the feeling that if i don't shake this lethargic state of being soon enough I will find myself stuck for good in the rut that I am in and might as well get use to it or even begin to enjoy it. Is this what i want? Not exactly, but i cannot seem to get a handle on what i do really want anymore, like everything seem a little too late to go for in terms of 'making it' in this life.
So i woke up at four this morning and decided to sit after having came out of a dream on my childhood days in Sungai Pinang sometime around the early fifties. It was the time when i was adopted by a large family living in a large house across the street from the village i grew up in. In the dream I was being insulted and belittled by one of the daughters of the house of which there were ten girls and two boys  in all if i am not mistaken. It is a tediously long story in all these but suffice to say that my subconscious mind had decided that it is one of the issues that i have to deal with this morning. Why does this happen, why this issue of long past childhood history where the mind is being aroused by a thought,a memory of something that never really happened but involving those that i had grown up with in such a negative manner that it hurts one's feeling at such an early hour of the day? It evokes negative thoughts in a chain reaction inevitably as the mind refused to let it go at that and sitting in meditation did no good to remove the age old memory but instead added more scenarios to it leading on to the present.
Yesterday evening as I stood waiting for the elevator with my daughter there was a Chinese lady waiting with us, she was perhaps in her fifties and had and educated look about her. She also had the look that said, why the hell are you taking the elevator with me, like you do not belong in the same ride with me. I felt agitated by the whole unfriendly scene and told my daughter off handedly, "I look but I don't see you, kind of scenario we are having, " my daughter smiled and nodded and the lady still held her tombstone gaze into oblivion till the elevator door opens. Just as she was about to exit at her floor I look at her close and said, "have a nice day!" and my daughter said to me angrily, why do you even bother dad! 
Yes why do I even bother? Perhaps herein lies my fault, I bother too much. It is as though it is my concern that the people around me are not interactive or friendly enough, like the external world needs to chill out and greet more often so as to make a better day for ourselves. What a dork!
I have the feeling that when I sit and meditate long enough I become overly sensitive towards my surroundings especially towards other beings. i tend to project my own feelings and perceptions into them and these may not be positive all the time. I know and realize that it is not them, it is me, I am the one being not responsive or even negative and just not know it; I was having a bad day, not them. I need to tweak my sensory perceptions, fine tune how I act in public by not trying too hard to make alterations or worse pass unnecessary judgements over others or situations beyond my control; in short to mind my own mind!          

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