Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I Am an Artist.

Had another vivid dream this morning and woke up with the realization that I am the main obstruction to my own creative as well as productivity. The dream ended with this sense of loss in the effort to make it and participate in a major local Art Show. After struggling through the thick and thin of sleet and snow and falling into drains and so forth I made it to the show where not one person was there but the whole place was littered with art works still in the progress of happening. Stacks of large pieces of papers with sketches on them lay all over the place and some still on the easels, like the artists left them to be continued later. It was an outdoor event and all was wet from rain, it was not a pleasant scene for an outdoor sketching or painting show. I woke p from this depressing dream again as i always did in the past feeling like I have been missing out on my calling; I am an Artist!
No matter how i try to justify or sneak away from my destiny, deep inside i know i was born to paint and draw my hearts out and this i have been denying myself for so long with lame excuses on one kind or another. The blaming trip goes all the way back to my primary school days and through my secondary education and most of what happened has been reiterated in this Blog at one time or another and for now it is no more worth looking back without again being bogged down with more self introspection and fault finding. Suffice to say I realize  now that i am standing in my way of my own artistic prowess as has been told by my one time Professor and Mentor, the late Mr. William Prevetti, when I was a student at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. While viewing a Faculty Art Exhibition, Mr. Prevetti whispered in my ear, "Sam, none of these guys can hold water up to your ability as an artist!" I was shocked and taken aback at what he said; I believed him.
Through the years my life was not geared towards becoming a well established artist like my friend and neighbor mr, Richard  Sigberman from San francisco when I was living on 2nd. Ave. Rich also recognized me for what I am and chastised me for not honing my career as an artist. I got side tracked every so often and always there is a lame excuse of one kind or another that has been th cause of my failure, like not having my own proper art studio to work from or worse yet Art has brought me nothing but sorrow and pain. These has been my excuses and perhaps still is although most are not untrue. I realize my God given talent and I realize too how i have it for granted all these years thinking that I am destined to become rich and famous through some other hidden talents of mine yet to be discovered and thus this self seeking Blogging. 
Who am I? I am an Artist and i am a Master in my own field in line with Rembrandt and Hokusai if i had devoted my time and energy in pursuit of my passion instead of getting sidetracked into self seeking and self discovery trip like I have been for the last ten odd years with this Blogging. I know who I am or at least my call in this life if not my vocation, however I have shoved aside my destined status and opted to take a longer route of trying to figure out who I am and in the process often cut myself to pieces and develop a very low sense of self esteem. It is as though I do not deserve nor belong to the echelons of the Masters of Fine Arts of this world. It is time to make that shift, the change of pace in my mind from seeking to having already found and make full use of what i have in me to become truly exalted in my endeavor as an artist; like my Grand father and Father before me.          

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