Monday, May 15, 2017

Mind juggling

An uneventful day with  not much happening most of the day  yesterday so i decided to sleep in most of the vening just to catch up with my bad sleeping habit. It is almost 4am. now and i am still up doing what i enjoy doing for now and that is challenging my mind to throw up all that it can for the sake of making this Blog entry. It may be happen to be reading this so quit while you still can. Stop wasting your time reading these garbage that my mind has been puking out on a daily basis, it is only my way of emptying my head. I'm addicted to thinking an it has become a bad habit especially when i claim myself to be a meditator and a spiritual seeker of sort. All that crap is merely a futile effort to keep my mind from being overload with unexpressed thoughts which has the tendency to keep me awake. Either write or kill my brain cells with some form of bad habit like get stoned or drunk, prayer does help but often adds on new dimensions to the thought production process.
Yes I am an obsessive thinker and i spend hours watching movies and listening to music just to keep my mind from thinking and I think in my sleep too unfortunately. So, there you have it, my confession as to why I write this Blog. Why do i keep making entries into this lengthy Blog day in day out making it sound like i have all the answers to life and death and all about spirituality and what not. Get me out of your list of things to read as you are wasting your precious time and you will learn nothing that you cannot get on You Tube.  I am telling you right here right now that I am not what i write, whatever that i have been writing all these years are merely mepty thoughts and false flag of a personal kind. I am actually your 'cosmic joke,' the guy who has nothing better to do so he takes on an assignment for himself and that being all these crap about 'Self Discovery', 'Knowing who you are,' and so forth. 
As it has become a habit,i am now going to kick this habit too like I just gave up smoking.  
I am a creature of habit, what starts off as good habit becomes bad habit just as what started off with good intention ends up becoming a lost cause. All these for the purpose of killing time, filling up empty spaces and avoiding being bored caught in a stupor. The mind is something that still provides a great challenge, a mystery when we run out of things to do, we challenge our own mind at the very game that we are trying to give up. Like I am tempted to go to bed in order to end this, but I know i will not fall asleep even if i try. So what do i do? The next thing that comes to mind is to sit and meditate till i get tired or fall asleep but this too has its draw back and the mind knows it, my lower back and knee pains will kick in even if i want to sit for as long as the Buddha Boy in Nepal. I will give up out of fear of agitating my physical problems any further. 
So maybe it is time to do some serious art so as to occupy myself fully and at least get  some satisfaction from being creatively productive. Tried that too and it did not work, at least not at this tage in my life, art has slowly receded into the background of my consciousness just like all else. I am having a mental if not spiritual blight, like my mind is infected with some kind of new  strain of virus that is trying to dominate how i handle myself, how i free myself from this insanity this insomnia. 
It has been fun anyway and this too will pass...    

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