Don't Look back- it's alright.

What is it that i am really aiming for or to be more accurate, what is it that i really want? To be honest, i do not really know as it often changes in time for one thing. I have no clue as to what i really desire for myself other than the normal needs of the common man that he may live day to day in peace and comfort. I cannot claim that i do not need much but i also am not in need of too much to find the comfort and peace that is needed. Perhaps at my age my desires have watered down to the bare essentials of having just enough to make it to the end when the end comes.
I can safely say that i have tasted life, the best as well as the worse it has to offer, I have committed as much sin as i have worked towards accumulating my virtues and to date i really have no idea why or what i am aiming for if I am asked the question what is it that you want with this life. Yes i will most probably say, I want to know who I am am, just like I have always been yapping all these while, but that too is merely a concept or a thought process that really has very little to live by. Yes i wish to become enlightened, just like the Buddha or close enough, but what does it really mean , to be enlightened or awakened; I am still finding out after all these years. So, do i really want o be rich like my twin brother who practically has all if not more than enough or do i really want to be famous like my friends in the Art world. These are material needs that if i had truly wanted I could have had them by taking the necessary paths towards them at an earlier stage in my life. But I had chosen a different route and the route has no defined path, it has been a route where there is very few road signs for me to follow; I merely followed my own instinct.
If i were to read backwards all my Blog entries, I am sure I will come to the starting entry with a feeling of being riding on a roller coaster of uncertainties an inconclusive mind trails. This whole Blog is a product of this thinking m,ind that projects it delusions in  the  effort to make sense out of all the non sense that it has experienced and to justify itself of all the bad moves and errors that it has committed along the way. Often it is like the flip flopping of a broken record telling and retelling the same old tale of what the moral of the story is all about. As for what i really want for myself, if i have to answer the question, it would be to live life to the fullest, experiencing each and every moment good or bad with my whole being and stepping out of it at the end totally drunk or dead sober with no rhyme or reason to attach myself to. I simply was born and i lived and having lived i die without much regret to look back upon.