Sunday, June 12, 2016

Still fasting Away!

Six days into the month of Ramadan and i am still grappling with my faith, belief system right understanding of what is right and what is wrong with me, how do I accept myself as who I am without involving in didactic or intellectual discourse over this whole issue about 'knowing who I am or who you are.'  In essence still not having thorough understanding of who I am ,how do I worship Allah? Who is worshiping, who is praying and who am I praying to? I am naive perhaps but this is my recurring mind trip when it comes to faith and religion. That does not mean that I have chosen to  neglect them of the rituals and practice that is required of them, like fasting and praying five times a day. I try to fulfill these but not as often enough unfortunately. But i am aware my mind would dwell on these issues like there is no rest to it once the subject begins and i know at the same time how futile an effort to try and untangle the tangles.
JUSTFICATIONS!! All my life I have been justifying myself and trying to convince myself that i can achieve the state of emptiness within this lifetime whereby I merge with my Maker and become One. This fasting month I have been awakened to the truth about Islam and the teachings of the Prophet of Allah about the fasting Month. The Month of Ramadan is one of the most trying month for mankind; it has always the most for me. This is the time when my beliefs and the question of my faith 'Tawakal' in Allah comes to the front stage and I am still at a loss as to how can i become absolutely one with my Maker where there is 'None but Allah,' and 'I am- No more.' occurs even like the flash, of lightning that rips the skies of illusions set my 'Self' if not my 'Mind', free from this state of being who i truly am. I look in the mirror i see my face, my self, how I manifest physically, then I take step back and i manifest my mental formations of who I am, and as i steep further back i see who i have become and as i take yet another step back i am looking at myself  melting away into space as atoms and strings of consciousness, and as i step back even further i see myself  as tiny atom floating in space among many atoms large and small and I am lost in space. In this state of consciousness i raise my heart to Allah and declare that I am but His servant, from Him I have come and to Him shall I return, Insha'Allah.  This is how and when I am most closest to Him, I pray in these moments when I am most empty of my doubting mind, while there rest of the time I am at 'War' with my Lord. It is not a war between enemies, heavens forbid, it a war between father and son. between husband and wife, a war of justifications, of right understanding.
In the words of  Sadguru."Believe essentially comes still because humanity has not become sincere enough to come to this. What i know, I know, What i do not know i do not know. Everything you do not know you must believe because believe gives you confidence, clarity will lead you towards understanding. Confidence without clarity can be disastrous."...You Tube.

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