Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Wake up Call - my Dream.

I woke up from my dream this morning crying loud enough to wake up my daughter who tried to comfort me wondering what was going on. The dream was a continuation of events that involved her earlier where we had a misunderstanding and I put my foot down in our deteriorating relationship. i let out a few harsh words like who is the father and who the daughter, yada...yada. I fell asleep after hours of struggling to do so and as soon as i fell asleep i dreamt i was with her in some surrealistic landscape where there were lots of younger people at concerts and and some other events that i could not describe but felt more like. At one point as i was walking through an entrance of some sort someone was pushing me from behind ad as i turned around to accost the person i discovered a huge fist was aimed at my face and it belonged to a young Chinese man who had muscles like the Incredible Hulk. I looked at him and said, " I am 67 years old, you fee like hitting me?"or something to that effect and the episode evaporated. I kept walking in my mind i was searching for my daughter whom i had lost contact along the way. A young Indian man told me that the man who wanted to hit me was attacked with a knife a while back, I walked on not seeing any connection in my dream. The i came to a more open area where there were less people and looked like they were headed out of the place. The landscape was strange like i had never seen before, barely any trees and as i walked on lost, suddenly i was hit by a sense of loneliness and despair of the most intense nature and this was even accompanied by a very sad and melancholy background music that i was creating out of my head. I broke down as the feeling of sadness enveloped me and woke up still crying like I had never done in a very long time in my adult life.
The rest of the morning I felt my whole body zapped out of energy and barely could move but I decided to fight the feeling by going to a nearby coffee shop and buying some 'roti canai' and nasi lemak and distributed to all those who had come to work at the restaurant. Their thank yous and smiling faces helped to cheer me up. I decided to not give in to the negative impact of the dream and instead stayed focused on going about doing what i had planned to do, like coming to the Museum and writing my Blog and my Malay version of my autobiography which i had been working on.I cannot say what my dream was telling me but i have a rough idea on why i had such a weird yet powerful dream.
I am getting old! My worries over my two two children has caught up with me on a deeper level and my loneliness of having lived a single life for the past few years since my wife died has also exerted its impact on my subconscious mind and all i have to do is more or less is to be aware of this and work towards finding a remedy to these events in my life but let it not affect me in the negative way that would lead to greater depression. Thus this writing and the other things i have been working on comes in handy.
My mind has been working overtime and i have allowed many events in my life to dominate my thoughts to the extent that i feel helpless and defeated. One of the wake up call the i read from this episode is that i have to learn to let go things that are beyond my control and concern. i have to trust in matters to take on their own course whether it be with my children or my relatives and friends. I have to learn to accept my own destiny as i have laid out the path towards my own personal goals, i have to stay on track like it or not and pursue my course of actions till the very end of my story. This dream was just another wake up call for me to become aware of the deeper levels of my psyche as the mind is pushed to the limits of its existence with challenges the is taking place in me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to SIT! I have to observe with 'Bare Attention'.   

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