Monday, February 22, 2016

When angry, be angery.

There are times when you just simply have had enough with someone who for no good reason is out to get you and in this case from the facility you have been working from for the past ten years.  Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah at USM (MGT)F is like a second home for me for almost ten years now and this is where i get most of my paperwork such as writing this Blog entry done. Almost al the staff members young and old have grown accustomed to my presence here except for one or two who for some odd reason sees my being here as inappropriate or I am not entitled to use the facility as I am not a member of the staff. 
This is what happened last Saturday with one of the staff who for a very long time now has harbored an animosity towards me to the extent that on several occasions he had tried to oust me from using the office space where I am at simply because I am not a staff member. I was in the middle of writing my journal in Bahasa Malaysia I hope to get published through the Museum and generate some income for the University and myself. So I was crossed at this man who is actually the carpenter and handyman for the museum and asked his reason for having this negative feeling towards me. I asked if he gets short changed by my being here, or if i had messed with his wife or dishonor his children or do I owe him any money To all these he said no. So i asked why he has such an attitude towards someone who is actually trying to get something done and has the permission of the Director himself to use this facility, what was his beef? 
I have never felt so much anger flowed so freely out of me towards someone who i know has ill intentions towards me and needed to be put into his place. I simply unloaded all my negative feelings on him that he tried to ask for my forgiveness, but the more he tried to console me the more angry i got so much so the i told him there is no forgiveness for what he has been doing to me for no apparent good reason and he being a good praying five times a day Muslim, what I asked was his excuse. I left the MGTF office feeling like I have unloaded a very long overdue toxic fermentation which I felt better afterwards.
On the other hand i also felt a little guilty for having landed on the guy all the no holds barred blows except for the physical manifestation which would have landed me into an unwonted predicament. So this morning i approached the Director and explained to him what had transpired and apologized but he said he was the one who should be apologizing and further explained that he had insisted that the office not be opened on Saturdays anyway. Then he asked me if i should write my Malay version of my experiences in three volumes instead of one and all was forgotten about Saturday.
The moral of this episode for was, be angry when the need to angry is necessary, if you feel you are being sidelined or insulted be angry and take the stand to let it be known that you are not to be taken for granted with...especially when you are 66.   

Friday, February 19, 2016

Drugs-use it or abuse it.

It is Friday and at the mosque the imam talked about drug abuse, it is the state government's script for this week. The sermon's given by the imam is not his own choice, each week a topic is chosen for him to preach about. I wonder if they will  ever come around to talking about mismanagement or poor governance or even corruption at the Friday sermons. What is Islamic take on accountability or integrity when it comes to handling public affairs? Perhaps never, the Friday pulpit is reserved for what the government wants for the masses to hear more propaganda and when they run out of things to spin they take on topics like drugs. Again a reminder at the mosque where i attend the Friday prayer, three quarter of the members in the congregation are Bangladeshis. I seriously doubt they have too much drug issues.
The Imam is a very highly knowledgeable person I know and i think he also has a clinic and maybe in his days has done a variety of drug or two, probably never if you ask him. I am sure he speaks from evidences of those who have been put in jail and one or two who have cut their father or mother to pieces over drug related issues. It is correct to point most drug users are Muslim Malays in this country and that a good percentage of them are young teenagers. Drug is off course addicting and drug addiction has cost millions in all kinds of drug related agencies handling the problem.
Is there any good at all in drug use? Why is the use of drugs always an abuse to those who has never use these drugs? What is the difference between drugs and alcohol and which is more lethal? of course the biggest question is why do people do drugs at all? And if not drugs what do you provide for those whose life is one long track of pain and agony due to the pressures of so called life?
Yes there are more and more walking dead out there and don't even know it and we worship the mind as though it, is the end. 
To some, the drugs are merely to slow down the thinking mind while to others it is to put a stop to it. For those who have no idea what it is all about they preach an end to it. And for those who knows exactly what it is all about, they are the ones who use it to liberate themselves from their mental slavery, even if it is for a moment in time of their daily existence. It is indeed a very thin
line between being a genius and being insane; so you either use it or abuse it or forever remain ignorant of it.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

For no Rhyme or reason - I write.

Why don't you write in Bahasa Malaysia about your life's experiences, someone asked me at the organic farm and i said that my Malay is not good enough to do so. Have you ever tried? Nope! Well, why don't you? That same evening i started and now i am almost one hundred pages done  and still going at it. my Malay language is not too bad but my mind is; it assumes and accepts perhaps out of having no confidence or sheer laziness. off course i am still crawling to get there but getting there i am. I began writing like i did when I began writing this Blog in 2004-5? I wrote like i speak and over the years the language took on its own style and became what it is today. I write my own style,developed by trial and error over the years and the desire and passion to share my story with others on the same road as i am.
Today I enjoy writing and now i am enjoy writing in two different languages; never a dull moment even if it has not earn me a dime. I will refuse to commit my Bahasa Malayisa version in the the Bogging format as i have lost faith in Google Chrome or whoever or whatever that controls my  present English Version. I tried to earn through their so called 'Adsense' or whatever the hell it is called a few years back and was immediately disqualified accused of cheating. From then on me Blog page has been used to advertise for free by Gooble, gobbling up my share of the take! Well whoever you are or whatever you are Mr.  G.Chrome you have me by the balls and so welcome to my efforts. The truth is I do not even know how to cheat on the matter. Oh I tried to reason it out the best i could but only to get thrown around by a bunch of links and faceless dirtballs that perhaps do not even exist.
There, i let it out of my system about how i feel about the system that seeks to manipulate my life for its own benefit. Writing has been a great healing process for me an as i write i see my mind a little better, how it reacts and functions for every situation and experiences.. I have enjoyed watching my fingers searching for the right keys almost automatically trying to outrun my thinking mind in laying down thoughts. i have been able to remove myself from the act of putting my thoughts down in words like watching a movie of myself. if this is what is called poetry in writing then i am a poet only my thoughts have yet to rhyme. 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Just doing what i can.

I am still recovering from my retreat to the organic farm at SRI LOVELY in Kampung Lintang, aches all over and a headache after sleeping most of the day. I have not made any entry since i was there decided not to like taking a break from writing. Also not much toe share other than the day to day experience of working in the fields. Having been absent from the place many changes are taking place mostly for the better, still short handed as always but things are getting done. One of the things that i observed of the people living in the area is that life is hitting them hard financially espedially now that the price of rubber has fallen badly and the political situation in the country is not doing the country economically any better with prices being hiked and taxes being imposed, but, what else is new? not many likes to read anymore of such depressing subject, truth it may be.
My body and mind went through a rigorous exercise of who gives up first body or mind as I went about turning a run down cold, wet and depressing environment into a beautiful resort status facility. Cutting the grass and weeds, cleaning the pond and moving a good amount of earth from here to there and raking tons of leaves and burning them. my body cried out in pain and my mind kept telling me ho stupid I was to subject myself to such drudgery. I sweat three or four times  a day til my cloths began to have that urine smell. I sleep in a hut that was infested with ants and al kinds of flying bugs at night attracted by the light. I eat mostly a small packet of 'nasi lemak' or coconut rice with a little bit of hot spicy anchovy paste.At night usually it was Maggie Mee a dehydrated form of noodles that comes to life when soaked in hot water. 
For company I had my friend 'Apek' and his two sons one aged 21 and the other 14. The elder brother is deaf and mute while the 14 year old smokes and often does drugs sometimes in the father's presence. I tried to give my two cents worth on what is right and wrong but after a while gave up as a futile effort. To each his own sometimes it is best to just step back and become an observer allowing for is to be as it is. I am not any better with my two children afterall. They are wrapped up in their own life and world that the mess in their room speaks for them. If you say your environment reflects who you are or your state of mind it just flies over their head,like what is wrong with my room?
Two hours of driving has let me witness the difference the have and the have nots in how they live and what they worry about. I am sure both sides have their ups and down. Still to find no water when you come home from work to wash or do your laundry was hard for me to cope with even if it happened to a friend living in the rural part of the country. Life has been tough for these people but they have learned to cope the best they can and there is little i can do except let a helping hand through physically getting involved cleaning and clearing, moving and shaking what needs to be voluntarily. its my practice.