Monday, October 05, 2015

What more can Happen?

We grew up with saying, "New friends are silver and old friends are gold", and "Friends are there when you need them" 
Sometimes your best friends are those who are not there when you need them. Because then you have to go beyond need and you will find something much more profound than the comfort your mind seeks; because then you have to go beyond need.
It takes some time for his whole idea to sink in after the initial conception of the idea to detach myself from all those that I have come to depend on for my needs. Close friends family and relatives. Whether it is for financial, or for physical and emotional comfort I had decided to remain as detached as i possibly could although not absolutely free as it is almost impossible to exist totally independent from others as others are dependent on you. The laws of nature is such that no entity is absolutely free from being a part of the whole unless it is dead or deceased and no longer a part of the living whole. However one has to be true to the experiment and try to be as committed to the idea of being nothing as possible, whatever it takes which most of the time would entail, being hungry, loneliness, trepidation, and all that negative feeling leading to fear and despair. It has been almost three months now that i have not earned a single cent, I am unemployed and live on the merit of surviving on my reputation alone. Not the best place nor the best feeling but still it is getting to be an interesting state where i am more closely observing myself and my reactions towards what others see of feel about who I am. I get by financially with handouts from my kids which mostly went to pay for basic necessities like soap and shampoo and stuff we all share. Food is never short of in exchange for being the 'watchman' every night, i get to eat at the restaurant downstairs and some left overs for the evening meals. Yes I am no better than a beggar.
Why, for whatever it is worth do i still persist to take on this experiment of becoming a modern day Sunnyasi or mendicant monk without the props such as filthy cloths and scraggly hair full of lice? Or wear the saffron robe and walk about with a begging bowl. I do not believe in extremism, the Buddhas of old did all that for me and i have learned from them and do not need to repeat the experiment they already passed down to me; I do it simply to check my ego. To have a taste of what it is like not to have anything, no fame nor fortune, to be at the mercy of what others say or feel about you, especially your children. To go to the extreme would defeat the purpose of my experiment as it would deprive my being able to communicate or keep record of my progress while sharing it with those who read my musings. It is not that i cannot do it if it comes down to it, but it would be like taking a plunge for no good reason and causing those who love you unnecessary concern; then again I might still take off and do it, who can say.
I have always wanted to travel through India and head on to Mecca  for the Umrah on foot. I might not make it all the way but i would love to try as far as i can make it or even die along the way trying. To me it is no more important that i get there and perform the Umrah or the haj it is the journey itself that would be the crown my lifelong quest towards understanding who I truly am. It would be a true pilgrimage if my health would allow me to venture from one country to another till i get to my destination. Many have done this before but it is not the same as i doing it myself. When you come to my age i guess one becomes a little eccentric in one's visions. What else is there to do but to keep on dreaming and drumming up more out of the ordinary ideas that one can or perish into oblivion while sucking one's thumb awaiting death to happen. 

No comments: