I spent the early morning doing the laundry and mostly listening to 'Dharma talks', given by one of my former Zen Instructors, Norman Fischer on You Tube. It was out of curiosity to see how far has my teacher and friend from the Days of Green Gulch Zen Center come to be as a Poet and Zen master. The talks ares till the same Norman Fischer style, morose and dry and the poem I still have hard time grasping to make the connection with the Zen lesson. But Norman, like most of the Zen leaders at the SF Zen Center have connections and being a Jew that means a great deal and carry allot of weight even in the practice of Zen Buddhism. Yes i like Norman, His wife Cathy and the twins Joshua and Noah, brilliant children.
I am beginning to experience the effects of my experimental practice of aspiring towards being nothing, doing nothing, hoping for nothing and seeing hat gives and for the last few weeks it has been somewhat a torment as i found myself flip flopping between wanting to be something or otherwise, needing to justify for myself and so forth, and worse of all is the boredom that seems to manifest from this state of nothingness and yes i have hardly touch the real state yet as it is i am still doing something, like making this entry. What others say or i think what they might be saying about me is the worse cause for discomfort and yes it has to do with the ego quite naturally. The ego, what else can i call it, seems to have a hard time letting go of the past, me; my mind is bombarded with the past good and bad. I find i have very many crosses to bear and i crucify myself time and again just to feel like i am sorry for what i had done, or to feel like i do not deserve to feel free form my past.
To keep my mind busy and occupied, which i do out of being fed up with the struggle to keep it quiet, with reading my novels about the Roman Empire, as series by Simon Scarrow while not writing or watching a movie or entertaining the Face Book, or i stay in tune with what is going on with the political saga of my country and the world. I keep myself up to date with all the latest Conspiracy theories and the Doomsday revelations with the possibility of Alien Invasions and the coming of the Dajjal or the Anti Christ. All these being the part and parcel of doing nothing or being nothing.
I am beginning to accept the fact that unless you can sleep all day long and do the same at night, doing nothing is almost an impossible task. Sometimes one feels like the whole mind, body and spirit is slowly petrifying as though everything is slowly shutting down; there is a lack of zeal for living. When it gets to that stage of feeling numb from being inactive, not unlike getting a mild stroke in the physical sense, then I feel the need to act out something. The great Yogi, Neem Karoli Baba, the Guru who Ram Dass was a student of often comes to mind whenever i have my doubts, but i am far from being a Yogi and especially anywhere near as great as Neem Karoli Baba or even Ram Dass,(Herbert Alpert).