Thursday, May 14, 2015

Where to go from here?

Practice Mindfulness, Loving Kindness, observe all the precepts and detachment from all that is impermanent, this i have learned among other principles in my life. Tolerance and non-judgemental, empathy and understanding, such are the terms that constantly comes to mind when negative thoughts threatens to engulf my being. it all seems to no avail when my heart is still shrouded with doubts and vexations, i am still living at the mercy of my delusions. i cannot seem to shake it off no matter how hard i try, i feel incompetent and as in lay man's term, like a looser; why?
Is it because all the years of my practice , my searching for answers and my experimentation were of no consequences, like I have wasted my time end energy over nothing while squandering away what i could have gotten more from life had i been more carefree while living in the bliss of ignorance? Ever since my return form my travels overseas with my small family, I had tried to mend my ways, make things happen to make up for what was and this I believed deep within me. i believed that i came home to become a good God fearing man who had been a sinner for much of his life while living abroad. I thought if I had returned to the folds of my family i could find my way into the society that practiced the good religious life as in my case, the Muslim life. In short i could become a good Muslim and my children would follow sooth with the help and support of my family. But on looking at the way things have manifest over the years since i have returned, I find it to be the biggest error i have made in my life and regrettably so.
There is no sense in crying over spilled milk as I learned to accept my fate ever since my wife departed leaving the three of us behind, I had to make do with what i had and what i knew to survive. I was able to see my children through their high school years without too much casualty psycho-emotionally for all three of us. I had to start from scratch all over again since her departure as we had had to spend  a whole lot of money getting her home to Illinois, where her mother was to be cared for medically.My two children had accompanied her on the trip home to the United States but i could not travel with them as the US Embassy in Kuala Lumpur would not offer me an immediate visas due to the tight security measures taken after the 911 incident. I had to wait and while waiting my mother in law in the US decided that they are burden to her on top of having to deal with their mother's condition and so they were shipped back to me.
It was then that I decided to live in Penang, my hometown where i was born and raised as a child before moving to Terengganu in the Coast Coast. I thought that i stood a better chance of making it as an artist eventually in Georgetown than in Kuala Terengganu. I also thought that i had my relatives here who are more sympathetic than my immediate family in the East Coast. I was right most of the time but as time wore on i find that being without money had cost me a great deal of pain not to mention the loss of my self respect and integrity' I became inwardly self abusive; I hated myself for all the wrong decisions i had made to arrive where I am at.How do I go beyond this come and go, how do i go beyond myself? How do I transcend this state of mental trap that i am in if all my practices and meditations have failed me? This is depression as it sets in and when it is compounded by what is negative going on in this moment and time it is dibilitating.
  I believe that I might be looking into having a heart condition from what i am observing happening to me physically like shortness of breath, excessive sweating and most recently the sharp pains shooting through my chest area if i make any strenuous effort even just a brief walk and i also get nasty headaches when i get out of bed.. I get tired more so than before and sleep does not come easy.  According to the Internet medical information links these are sure signs of an oncoming of a heart attack. So i went to the hospital this morning on the way but I did not go in because I could not find a parking space and it was  pouring rain. So I drove here and tell myself that i will do it again tomorrow and this time i'd know what to expect or at least where to park or come real early before anyone else. I have been avoiding going to have my medical checkup for a very long time now telling myself that i can cure myself of whatever that ails my body.
I have always experimented with the idea that my mind is capable of influencing the inner workings of my body through meditation, visualization and auto-suggestion among other practices. I have held on to this believe for many years now since i was in College where i started getting deeply into these subjects. I believe that even if i have cancer of one kind of another I can heal myself or my body can be made to rid itself of any negative agents that is causing these illnesses. Every no and then my mind would doubt and ask, what if you are wrong? What if you are just kidding yourself? What if the doctor can detect and cure you or buy you some time which you might not know until you visit the hospital. Yes this i believe is the last resort like going for the massage when my lower back gave way as the last resort and now it is a whole lot better.
How do I get back into my state of pure consciousness where there is no success or failure where there is no fear of death or the end of this dimension of existence;The place where even the i does not exist but just pure Beingness, the place where no thoughts exist where no doubts exist where healing happens, where wisdom happens, where truth happens, where Love happens; how do i return to my original"Buddha Mind." Man suffer from our minds, ours sense of identities, our separation wrapped in time and dimensional existence and we cannot find that which is the source of all our being, the source that is inherent in all of us where creations happens and nothing is beyond its scope of activity including the very act of healing, reviving, rejuvenating , refreshing renewing every atom and particles that makes up our entire physical realm. What is capable of creating is capable of preserving and destruction. How do I return to this source or should I doubt myself and visit the hospital anyway?

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