Monday, May 11, 2015

Despite it all, Happy Mother's day, Mother.

I woke up with itches from mosquito bites on my feet and back ache from the blast of cold air from the fan and the sound of laughter and of pots and pans coming to life outside my window, it is Sunday morning. Another new day and i do not look forward to it, however i got out of bed and decided to do what I am doing while listening with earphones to. "The Best of Francis Goya" on You Tube. The classical guitar music took the edge off my potential sources of depression and as my fingers dances on the keyboard manifesting my thoughts with my senses being absorbed in the comfort of oldies played by a master on his classical guitar I feel better to make through another day; it is 6 AM.
Completed my morning prayer and normally i would take my long walk to Karpal Singh Drive and back but my back pains gives an excuse not to and i would rather spare my energy and go to Balik Pulau instead as i have not been there for quite a while now. Ah, it is good to be able to come up with excuses to avoid doing what is normally done as a routine such that you do not feel guilty about not doing them. Laziness? if it is then i am guilty as charged, however, if you are reading this entry in my blog, then you might see through to the fact that i have put my mind to task very early in the morning already  But this is not work! This is pleasure! This does earn you a single dime! This is meaningless ramblings of a restless mind, get a job!
Yada!,Yada! If I allow my mind to dominate this moment so early in the morning i will by noon be still in the same mood of wondering if i am doing the right or wrong thing with nothing to show for. I will occupy my time as i see fit and not just simply to fulfill unwritten obligations that is expected of me by those around me. As it is I am still carrying the baggage on my back as soon as i woke up triggered by noises of busy-ness- business going on outside my window on a Sunday morning and this will soon be followed by additional busyness as the traffic picks up on the main road. Perhaps i am going against the flow, swimming up river or simply being lazy while beating myself to death with a sense of guilt because I used to spend most of my life working or in busyness -business. Not being active in it now is causing me the doubts? I want to be busy? I need a regular job? Naah! Too late for that, I am an artist, whatever that means and most people have the idea that we artists don't really work, we play.
Oh by the way it is Mother's Day and so i got to wish myself happy Mother's Day!

Since the cycle of existence has no beginning, there is no sentient being we can point to and say, “That person has not been my mother in the past.” Not only have they been our mothers in the past, but they will also be our mothers in the future.
— The Dalai Lama

Yes I miss my wife the mother of my two children here and i wish all the best to the other two ladies in my life who had graced me with a son each.  I can never justify my past but i can honor my future and as mothers to my children I am deeply indebted to them, As for me i cannot say that i knew my mother too well and as a matter of fact my mother and me never saw eye to eye sad to say. Yes i have mother issues in my childhood years but I also have come to learn of the hows and the why that things were the way they were between us and i hope that she will forgive me.
I took a drive to Balik Pulau where i spent the morning sketching fishing boats and the afternoon with my niece and her children. Here is a lady who has to face it all on her own, a single mom;Such Is! Happy Mother's Day!

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