It seems like i need a miracle and Lord i hate the word need, it makes me feel like a needy kind of person and of course what i hate is what i have become. The vicious circle, creating karma to destroy karma, call it what you may it has still the same result, i need a miracle at least a financial one. I just had returned from my long morning walk along the Karpal Singh Drive by the sea and did a whole lot of self motivating kind of exercises along with my physical one,telling myself that ...this too will pass...keep on trucking...don't fall into despair or fuck depression! The mind is your worse enemy and if there is the devil or Mara or the trickster or call it by whatever name you want, the bastard is a permanent resident in your mind. Jihad is the effort you make getting the better of if not getting rid of the bastard that is bound and determine to see you fall, humiliated and brought to your knees before your peers. Yes, through your thoughts alone you can be demoralized and even demonized if you let it take control over you.and you start seeing the external world as being hostile and negative to begin with. Thoughts can make you or break you, Shakyamuni Buddha is said to have said and like fire it is a good servant but a bad master.
Presently I take solace in writing my thoughts out so that i can keep a track on what is actually transpiring and it also helps to keep me from thinking out loud some the thoughts that is hankering to be expressed out in public that should really be kept within..Writing also helps me to sieve through what needs to be done and what needs to be deleted from my mind and if nothing else it buys me time from thinking too much while accomplishing not a thing. Perhaps I am overly obsessed with trying too hard to accomplish something in my life and who am I trying to convince of my accomplishments? Come to think of it not a man, woman or child in particular, at least not anymore. I used to believe i was doing it all for my children and that what I am doing will benefit them in some small ways but at this day and age, in the prime of my life, it is all horseshit for i doubt that they even take a peek into my Blog anymore, unless to check if Dad is still alive.
|Two children who just lost their father at the age of 43.|
Well, Dad is still kicking, he may be down but not out. The sad thing about it all is that you cannot predict the outcome of what will become of your children as they mature or what will swing the heads to turn 360% against you. But had you known what would you do about it? Not much there is to do except to drop them on their heads before the age of two, however it is too late now and all there is is to hope and wish that they will survive life better than you do and know that for better or worse they are still your children, a chip of the old block. I have made mistakes more than my share of it my entire life and who is to say that they will be spared and had I not learned a thing or two from mine? When it comes to ego I highly doubt that any of my children can out ego me or be free from the consequences of my egoic actions. I have spent at least half my life in trying to fully understand life where ego is concern and I have made it my jihad to overcome this affliction but now through my children I am witnessing how bad it can be.
"We haven’t only forgot our past but also our place in the present and our responsibility of the future. On a personal level, our ego-based state of consciousness is on a mission to keep us in this state of forgetfulness – to break the link to our being as a whole and to the interconnected web of life and universal consciousness. On a collective level, this forgetfulness is perpetuated and reinforced by social and cultural means – mainly by being tranced into a reality of unconscious consumerism, inauthentic lifestyles and a materialistic mindset."