Thursday, February 12, 2015

Living up to my own standards.

You cannot doubt your intentions once you have decided to live your life like it is one lifetime of experiment, you cannot change your mind midway or as you approach your final track and things does not look too comfortable for good taste. I am experiencing doubts sometimes and it is not because i am not doing what i have decided to do with my life but simply because I am finding it that i am playing it safe, like i am afraid to take the risk and chances that I should to further tread the path towards detachment and final renunciation of this so called life as it is. It is like I am still clinging with hope that things would get better for the whole as well as for me personally, but as it is, it is not looking too good overall, not Nationally nor Internationally, not individually nor as a community. It seems like the bad is dominating the good in escalation where ever you turn and you are left helpless to do much about it. There is more and more anger and distrust, exploitation and corruption from the highest to the lowest of the food chain and it seems like most people are getting ready for the end of the show with the hope that things might change after that.
By the look of events and what is happening all around me I am left with a sense of lost much more than I have ever felt and if not for my strong practice of self discovery through meditation and prayers, I doubt that i would have survived this as long as i have. Perhaps it is because  of my practice that I have become a little more sensitive to these events around the world and at home. Should I or should I not get involved with the politics of this country. Should I or should i not get myself mixed up in the day to day gossips and back biting and telltales with the rest of the neighborhood, my relatives and friends. It is not that i have been playing the hermit all the way but i have been avoiding pretty much of getting to know or being close to anyone as part on my experiment in detachment. Some understand and most don't of how or I am the way that i am. I am involved with all that is going on around me but I still choose to remain detached as much as i can.
What i have learned from this behavior is that i begin to see more of what is really going on with the relationships i am mixed up with. Like what is expected of me and what i expected from them and often these are more than meets the eye until too late. It is usually like a dream at the beginning and sooner than later it turns into a nightmare and that is the nature of most of my relationship especially when I am not able to meet up to expectations of others. No matter how I tried to please I find that i am bound to loose at the end of the day and pleasing other si one weakness of mine that it hard to overcome and of which i have also been putting to the test by attempting the opposite to a certain degree. I have turned off my hand phone to begin with which limited any interference from those who tries to reach me from the distance. I have no life and death commitment with anyone at the present moment that I need to have the phone handy and i do need it then I will have it charged, like when I am on the road.
It is ironic that when you try to deny something or refuse to acknowledge an event or turn a blind eye to someone, it is then that it imposes itself upon you more so than ever. Like when I deny myself from getting involved in my family affairs i find myself more involved than all my brothers and sisters who are the 'caring ' ones when it comes to taking care of family matters. I have been avoiding getting involved with the Art Scene here and i find myself being invited to this show and that and to do an exhibition here and there or enter my works in a competition of one kind or another. Before when i sought after these things it was like searching for a gold mine. Now it does not really matter to me anymore, at my age I am not too concern if I become famous or rich or otherwise so long as my health is good i am quite contented. It does not bother me too much anymore what others have to say about me either and i pay less and less attention to those who think they have a hold on me financially, psychologically or emotionally, while physically i am free to eat sleep shit wherever or whenever i choose to. This is my life of late and it is not about to change none too soon but when it is time to change, change it i will for the better or worse.

No comments: