Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Fish Tales.

When you are fishing you face the sea or the river or the lake where you are fishing and it gives you a sense of expanse.of space that allows for the mind to feel open and free. The fishing part allows for you to sit for as long as you wish without any draw of attention to what in heaven's name you are doing there. All anyone sees is that you are fishing
When in doubt, go fishing.
They say that when you sit and wait for the fish to take a bite there is a whole lot of thoughts that can be digested  as fishing like drawing or sketching is a form of meditation. I always like to go fishing even if i do not catch nay, it is most connected feeling that i have with what is around me and the hook, line and sinker acts as a reminder of my connectedness to the whole. I am no regular fisherman but i carry a rod in my car just in case.
"Anything that is worth doing is worth doing badly until you got it right." -


What is my commitment to life thus far? I don't even have nay clue anymore, try as hard as  I may I cannot make any more sense out of my life, of where i am headed or why. I am writing this entry while in between breaks of doing the dishes downstairs in the restaurant and I am doing the dishes voluntarily just because i have my free meals down there, not that i need to as i can more than afford a meal in the morning somewhere else if i care to drive. But this is where i am at sitting in the dark typing because my son is sleeping next to the PC table. Do I enjoy being where I am at?, Cannot say that I love it but it is somewhere i have created for myself to be and not forced to by someone else. I can go down and continue to do the dishes or simply take off to the University and work my blog entry while also prepare for my upcoming English tuition classes which I will be offering beginning next year. The choice is still mine and i am happy to fulfill whatever else obligation that is in my way, like doing the laundry and cleaning the rooms both my son's and mine..Not a big all time achievement for one who has gone globe trotting and has children scattered all over the planet but it is what it is and Such Is.
What am I not doing? I am not sleeping under the viaduct drunk or stoned to the brain nor am I neglecting my duties to God. I am not hankering for more than I care to have or need to and for this I only have a few bills to pay at the end of the month. I have my loans for myself and my daughter's education. and the rest is just the day to day needs. Hence what is my commitment For now it all may sound pretty much lame and an  unexciting way to grow old, but it is what it is.
I could have gone gone tap dancing in the floods volunteering my services in the flood relief  efforts like I had planned to initially a month back, but my car was in no mood to cooperate and financially it was not feasible. I had to scrap the idea and now it is too late the floods has taken its toll and roads are mostly inaccessible.  However now I have made a commitment to give tuition lessons to a small group of school kids and I hope I have not mad another error of judgement as to whether i am committed or not to life. The problem I find with making commitment I find is that it has to be a two way thing. The one who makes the commitment and the one who it is made to has to be in sync, right hand left hand in order fo it to work efficiently or make a sound. I have made too many commitment that has ended up with failures due to the lack of appreciation or even understanding of what my efforts were made towards at the end of the day. The only commitment worth making is one to myself.
As the year is winding down for 2014  and as I look back at where or what my life has taken me I feel like I am growing old at last. I find myself caring lesser and lesser on many aspects of life and mostly of how it affects me in particular. The few things that seems to matter of late is my health, like what I eat and how i shit and my spiritual practice on whether i pray hard enough or really am still hard when it comes to praying. Yes, i am becoming more and more concern with my afterlife for i know i have sinned big time, most of my life. As far as people goes the real people I find that matters to me are children especially my own grandnephews and nieces who i find gives me more real time pleasure than all the adults in my life put together for now. I feel less attracted to fast talkers and smooth operators and am seeing through more and more of those out to sell their wares to the highest bidders. In short i am getting old and tired of the 'game' that people play in order to be more than who they truly are; I have become a skeptic.

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