To be a Wanderer.

The toughest thing about caring for others is not caring for them at all and not caring for anyone or anything in particular is to most great thinkers is the state of being liberated, being free from from cares. I am and has always been trapped in feeling guilty when I cannot do something or help someone out or free someone from pain and suffering in one form or another and I carry this guilt forever or so it seems; they are my eternal shackles. I have been dwelling upon leaving my home and everything around me ever since Timo left but i still am held back with Karim and Marissa's needs at this moment, I cannot walk away from my responsibility or so it seems, but i know this is not the whole truth of the matter as i know one way or another if they wake up to how they spend their money they will not need me anymore, until then I will have to stick around and make things happen for them.So I stick around till Karim knows how to keep his room tidy and do his own laundry and such small things that when in the long run becomes tedious and sometimes heart breaking. I have to make sure Marissa has enough to keep her going even if she does not really need it.Having worked for two months and making more than ample for herself and with Timo's help she should be set still she chew my head off saying she is broke. Perhaps she thinks I will ask her for help.Well at least I learned that she is going to help Karim to pay for his TM bills even if she is broke; they are learning.
Contrary to their believe i am not running away from my responsibilities as a father but i am running away to fulfill my journey of self discovery and learning all i can of the ways of the world while I still have the energy to. I am getting away from becoming stagnant and end up like the rest of men my age who has given up on life spending their time in front of the TV or the coffee shops.telling the same old tales of days gone by.I want to be on the road meeting with all the challenges it has to offer good or bad and share it as I am doing it now. The last thing i wish for myself is to grow into and grouchy old man blaming himself for not having lived life as it have been.I may be a poor sap when it comes to money and owning stuff but i surely do not want to be poor in my life's experiences and wisdom gained from taking all the chances like i have been. I hope to die leaving behind something more than just money or properties, i want to die leaving behind a legacy. I want to talked of having lived life to its fullest in my own way.
One of my favorite spiritual Teachers -  Shaikh Abd Al-Qadir Al-Jilani
"Then, instead of embarking on his own professorial career, he abandoned the city and spent twenty-five years as a wanderer in the desert regions of 'Iraaq. He was over fifty years old by the time he returned to Baghdaad, in A.H. 521/1127 C.E., and began to preach in public."
Yes i am leaving my children to fend for themselves and they are old and wise enough now at their ages, but if they cannot see the wisdom behind my ways then I have failed them. I should have stuck to one job like my twin brother and my rich cousins ad make sure my children have more than they need. But my plan if there is any plan to the way i see things is to help them to become survivors, to strive as much on their own and to learn to become independent of me or anyone else for that matter and they are slowly but surely.If they are to depend on anyone it is to be dependent upon each other of which too they are slowly learning to. My oldest son, the pilot supports Karim's education and Timo helps with Marissa's while she in turn helps Karim out. I am pleased to see this happening but sad to note that i have become the irresponsible father. But that is okay, I can take the blame for so long as they learn that by helping each other out they become closer to one another. At least I hope my children will not hackle over any property when I am gone but have each other to care for;t is completely fine with me if I am out of their pictures.

"A man of soul is always dangerous because a man of soul is a free man. He cannot be reduced to
slavery. A man who has an immortal soul in him has a deeper commitment to existence itself, to God
himself. He does not care a bit about the man-made structures of society, civilization and culture;
these are prison cells for him. He does not exist as a Christian or a Hindu or a Mohammedan. He
cannot be part of a crowd. He exists as an individual."
The Secret of Secrets - Osho.

As hard as it is to leave, leave i must and with or without sustenance I have now made up my mind to again set out and wander this country like a vagabond that I am. I am no more concern of what others have to say about the way i live my life especially my relatives for they have lost interest in what becomes of me and my family a long time ago and rightfully so. I was the good uncle when i could more than afford to give but when i stopped being able to become charitable I have lost their favor. I do not mind in the least that I am no more in their thoughts as not even one of my cousins have ever asked me how i am doing of late. This is okay too as i learn who or what matters in this life as i grow in age; it actually makes it allot easier to let them go from my mind too. It may seems like I am feeling sorry for myself or blaming others for the way things turn out, no! I do not feel any sorrier for myself than I have ever been, I feel sad yes, but not sorry. It some odd ways I am glad. I feel more like i do not need to cater to or please anyone anymore, my life actually mine now and i can walk out tonight and none the wiser.

"But your soul cannot be put to any use in the market-place. The society needs only your body.
And it is very dangerous for the society if you start striving for the soul, because then your interest
changes. You turn from being all extrovert into an introvert; you start moving inwards. The society
is outside, the society wants you to remain an extrovert, interested in money, power, prestige, and
all that, so that your energy goes on moving outwards. If you start moving inwards, that means you
have become a drop-out, you are no more part of the game that is being played on the outside. You
don’t belong to it. You start diving deep within your own being. And there is the source of immortality"
Secret of Secrets -Osho.

Oh I love my children, no doubt about that but i love the road more than i love myself, for the road is where i discover who I really am and more importantly what life is all about for rich or for poor. I once a long time ago read a small novel called ' The Wandering Jew, which I found among my eldest brother's collection of books and it has struck me to my being the wanderer that I am.

By George Anderson, 1965

As Christ was carrying His cross to Golgotha, He stopped for a moment to rest outside the house of a shoemaker named Ahasuerus.  When Ahasuerus saw this, he jeered the Savior, asking Him why He was dallying.  Christ then looked at Ahasuerus and pronounced the curse:  “I will stand here and rest, but you must wander the Earth until I return.”  And so it was the Ahasuerus became the Wandering Jew—a man cursed to live for century after century, never knowing the release of death until Judgment Day
Perhaps i too have been cursed to wander if not in body, in mind. and spirit.