On the way Out

 This was my first Artist business card which was done in Green Bay Wisconsin. The image was taken by a Japanese friend of my silhouette against a bright cold Green Bay winter day. I used to have a manager who would try to sell my works and run my life, but i was not good when it comes to fulfilling my obligations towards those i strike up an agreement with. I often failed in making my works marketable in this sense. I was never a good business man and am still having the same weakness after all these years....my bad...my loss.; but it is not that i did not try.

This is the feeling I am experiencing right now as far where my life have led me and it is not the best of feelings or state of mind to be in. I feel like I am being stomped over by one and all, events and circumstances family and friends alike, a sure sign of manic depression setting and calls for immediate drastic measures for change to be inevitable. The always that feeling of sadness and to a degree a sense of aloneness while i burn my path through these down curves in the flow chart of my life and the tendency to look for scapegoats for my failures is the next fault following. These are and has always been my inherent habitual thinking mind's processes often leading me to find and escape from being in the midst of life. I am no doubt an angry man by nature no matter how or what i think of myself to be. and growing old it seems if no sure cure for it an sometimes it even amplifies the issues.

   I admit that most of my life I have created my own self delusions and lived like one living in a dream or a nightmare as the case may be; i have created my sins and successes and have not to blame but myself..."for so long as you consider you have a 'Self' you are bound to suffer." I cannot rid me of this self at least not in this lifetime and for this i also cannot rid myself of the incessant thinking mind that threatens to drown me in a garbage pile of thoughts and ideas, dreams and delusions. What solutions I have learned from my years of looking and and looking out at myself are now of no significance or so it seems. This whole trip of self discovery has become a load of crap that has practically sucked me into self deprivation and always being in need. I am not happy with what i have become at this moment.

Most of my adult life I have looked to the East and West for Wisdom but it seems it is from within that i still have to etch out the forms and images that would be of any meaning to my personal journey. I have to become the Sunnyasin (wandering hermits) and travel the roads like a beggar to clean my mind off the accumulations i have accrued over the years and are now worthless informations and past experiences not most not worth recounting as they are dead and gone. I will embark upon my final journey into the realm of the unknown and pitch my mind against the unseen and the hidden natures of life. This I will do in the near future as soon as I have settled my accounts here; I hope and pray that it will be my last wanderings and that somewhere out there i will find my peace of mind and make peace with my Maker.