Chatting via SMS with my son in Dubai last night I found out that he is in a worse case scenario than I am and it made me feel even worse for wanting to ask him for help. So where else can I turn to. I will be doing a class this Saturday at the Convent Green Lane Secondary School where my daughter used to attend, but it is highly doubtful that it will pay enough for me to cover my needs for the moment. There is only one more option and that is to ask my cousin the catering business owner for my son Karim's promised bonus of five hundred RM to be paid in advance to help cover what I need for now. Possible but i hate to do it as it will be a major sacrifice on his part and he has already made so much contribution towards helping his sister out in the past already. My friend Lee, well I think I might have over taxed his generosity although I have made sure that whatever he has helped me out with in the past i cover it with giving him back more in the form of my works. Still I am at the end of my wits with my experiment with the 'milk of human kindness' issue in my life; there is only so much milk that one can squeeze out of one cow.
This is the month of Ramadan, a month that is the 'King among months in the Muslim calendar; a month that is filled with hopes and challenges for the faithful and I am not only feeling the thirst and hunger of the fasting but also all the vexations that life can throw at me; I am suffering from a cough that seems to not go away throwing up phlegm and choking the hell out of me at times and migraine headaches most of my waking hours. The Fasting month of Ramadan is both a blessing and a torture for most of us and for me it has always been more so as I am dealing with getting to know my 'Self'. No issue in life is more sensitive than figuring out one's faith and belief in the after life, one's true belief in the presence of the AlMighty. Allah or God or whatever it is that one belief in. In Islam (my limited understanding), God is the Ultimate Tester; He put you through the grind of life to ensure your faith is immovable, no matter how dire your needs may be that you do not succumb to despair and neglect to ask Him for His assistance; for in this negligence you have also denied Him just as you fail to show Him your gratitude when you receive the boons that life has to offer.
I must declare that I am far from a ritual oriented practitioner when it comes the worship of God; I am more of a spiritual worshiper; whatever that means. I worship the One in my own ways day in day out whether in the positive or negative sense as i sometimes have been known to look up at the sky and point my finger at God. Perhaps i have 'Hell to pay' in the afterlife after all the mistakes and transgressions i have committed in this life, so be it; I have lived my life as I see fit and most of it according to my own beliefs and volition; I abhor coercion in any form when it comes to my spiritual practice.
Although far from being perfect and often times below average, my life has been considerably lived with a little more excitement than an average man as my reflecting my past in the form of this blog and my journals in the past has manifested. I try to be as honest and transparent in revealing my ups and downs mostly in the hope that the revelations will help me to see my self for what I am; at least who I think I am; as all these revelations are a product of my thinking mind. I am looking into the mirror of my soul reflecting that which is manifesting before me as a product of my own creation, my own self manifestation; still, Who Am I?
- Unself yourself...
until you see your self as a speck of dust
you cannot possibly reach that place;
self could never breathe that air,
so wend your way there without self.
- Knowing others is to be clever.
Knowing yourself is to be enlightened.
Overcoming others requires force.
Overcoming yourself requires strength.