I have been under the influence of my darker nature, my 'pain body' addiction as Eckhart Tolle would have put it. It seems no matter how hard I try to detach myself from being held in its grip it gets stronger and I find mysel seeking that which causes more ill mannered ill tempered negative and unproductive state of being.I am feeling like I am slipping into darkness a road not unfamiliar to my past experiences. It is a blessing that I spotted this book, "Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle among some books sitting on my friend Hasnul J. Saidon's desk and I immediately asked to borrow it. Having red half of the book I came to the realization of my predicament; my ego is getting the better of me.
What triggers these emotional negativity to my perception are the few failiures that I am experiencingin my daily life. I am broke for one thing and that has always been a trigger and on top of that my Art exhibition failed to make any impact on my financial state as well as my reputation as an artist in my own home state. As a matter of fact I began to feel like I was being black balled by the very people I came to trust and whose friendship I had cultivated and this was apparent at my opening of the Solo Show at the Alpha Utara Gallery. It was a disappointment but I refused to acknowledge as such and this has caused a fermentation in my emotional state which my pain body started to feed on and led to where I am at.
Digressing a little further back in time I can now see that the negative ground that set off my negativity happened further back when I had to vacate my temporary studio at the MGT due to works of renovation in the building and then again due to other legitimate excuses. My ego needless to say was accepting these in its usual negative way although I refused to acnowledge it back then and I worked hard by focussing myself on creating a diversion in the form of a new series of work that does not require any space for a studio; I was denying myself of my true feelings of anger and disappointment. This self denial, this refusal to face my true feelings has now culminated into a form of depression that I carry in my mind and even as I am writing is manifesting itself into an illness. The chest pains and the shallow breathing, the twitchings in my right cheek and the numbness in my extremities they all point to a stroke in the making any doctor would tell me and deep in me I yearn for it to end my misery. I have carried with me this pain- body for most of my adult lifeand had I not been making it my study through all the reading and involvement with Yoga and Zen schools I would have ended in the mental home or probably in jail.
The prospect of insanity has been like a shadow throughout my life and sometimes there are moments that I am physically reminded of the possibility when the first person I behold looking out my window is the mentally unstable man from the neighborhood; it is spooky as it occurs almost like a clockwork. First thing i do upon waking up is to look out my window below at where the restaurant is and lo and behold there he is my boogey man.Standing with a cigarette in one hand and a silly grin on his face waiting for a handout and I made the stupid mistake of being taken in by his sad state and over the years he has become a part of me. But I tell myself that this too is the mind's way reminding me of what can be or might have been if I do not wake up from my unconsciousness, if I do not free my self from the grips of this negative state that the ego craves for;pain. The Buddha is said to have said that Suffering Is, None who Suffers and I understood it the first time I read this from one of Alan Watts writings on Buddhism while I was student at the University of Wisconsin.I had a realization that I was creating my own source of pain and suffering.
I was drifting into darkness and there were many such similar circumstances in my life, times that I am ashame to even remember the things that I destroyed and the relationships that I had abused or gone sour for one deluded reason or another that my egoic mind had conjured in order that I can feel a sense of being or belonging or simply to stay sane. Unlike the mentally ill man I see out of my window or on the street corner, I am able to disguise my insanity in the form of creating an acceptable image of who I am or yearn to be through practice and awareness of what is really going on within my self, each moment and every episode of my life replays itself as I sat to meditate at the end of the evening or as soon as I wake up every morning. This ongoing habit has been my saving grace and so has my continuing simple exercises which I have developed over the years to loosen up my muscles as well as help my blood circulation; every bit of positive act helps to align the mind and body and the sense of awareness of being in the present, the Here and Now.
"The beginning of freedom from the pain-body lies first of all in the realization that you have a pain- body. Then more important, in your ability to stay present enough, alert enough, to notice the pain-body in yourself as a heavy influx of negative emotion when it becomes active. When it is recognized, it can no longer pretend to be you and live and renew itself through you."
Eckhart Tolle..."A NEW EARTH"
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