San Francisco -1993 Marriage Couselling

For lack of better things to write about I am going to look back in time and transfer an episode or two from my written journals cum sketchbooks and i am going to pick out these writings randomly. The following was written in my sketchbook dated 1993 the year when i was married and had my son Karim while living on 2nd. Avenue in the Richmond District of San Francisco, Ca.

!993 - San francisco
Today I sat facing two women in a confrontation over the state of my married life. The meeting took place at the San Francisco Zen Center, at 300 Page Street in Downtown San Francisco,( I still do not like this place after all these years). Blanch Hartman was in her priest robes, and she was bald, Blanch was the priest that had perform our wedding ceremony which took place at Green Gulch Zen Center. The other lady present was none other than my wife Nancy who had prompted this meeting. In essence it was our attempt at a marriage counseling  as our marriage was headed for the rocks so to speak.
It was on a Saturday and there was a Sesshin,( or an all day sitting meditation practice, which sometimes can also be for seven days). Upon our arrival we were met by one of the older students by the name of Kathy Cook, someone who had an adverse perception of my presence at the Zen Center from day one of our encounter there. If looks could kill as they say Kathy would have me dead along time before my liberation from the Zen community. The Abbot Mel Weissman was giving the Dharma talk in the Zendo or meditation Hall and all around him say Zen students wrapped up in black robes and staring into oblivion with a half smile on their faces like they were experiencing  something deep within or trying hard to look like awakened ones.It was to see that a good number of people cared enough about themselves to take the trouble to be there joined in a group therapy called Zazen or sitting meditation.They sat facing the wall during the meditation period letting go of whatever that needed to be liberated or silently grappling with the ghosts of the past, present and future as they rises in their individual consciousness. Ironically enough most would leave the Sesshin with some new vexations to deal with like yours truly. I had spent two years in total at the Green Gulch Zen Center and also done a few Seven Days Sesshin at the City Zen Center in the past.
There is the good and the bad about marriage counselling whether in front of a priest, a counselor or a therapist; it took a lot of guts and the realization that you needed to do it or face dire consequences in your relationship if not your future.It was an ego bashing choice to make as no one would be caught seeing a shrink in the United States, it was the last effort to mend the walls before the dam break loose and in this case it was my marriage that was at stake with my infant son being the potential victim..A few years earlier I had been advised to see psychiatrist to look into my anger issue and I was recommended  to visit a Doctor Daniel Sonkin who was practicing out of Sausalito, Ca. he was recommended by my former boss and friend Will Harris who had Doctor Sonkin as his doctor for the same problem and it cost me $75 an hour back then and this was with a good amount of discount considering my financial state then. When the money ran out and I had to stop seeing him the doctor told me that all I needed to do was quit smoking pot as it was causing my mood swings from one extreme to another; I never did.
What transpired at the counseling session was my wife's airing out of her fears of my violent temper and the fact that I was not living up to her expectation while me i was tired of living in America and wanted to leave and so it went. One thing led to another and soon i was pilling my guts out blaming myself,my mother my life my every weaknesses in trying to justify why I hit my wife in anger But no amount of self justification could heal the pain i felt inside and the anguish of knowing that i had done the worse thing a husband could do. I apologized and promised to behave I knew that no matter what I stood no chance against these two ladies and things can gat real messy for me with the chances of loosing my children at the end of the session. After being married to her for three years I had a good understanding of my wife's ways and her ability to push all the right buttons to set me off every time life seems dull for her and it became like a clock work with me being the victim unknowingly until became wise up to the phenomena.
At one point of the meeting i left for the toilet and when i returned i was asked a few questions like what guarantee would my wife has that iw ill not become more violent and abuse her in the future and what about giving her custody of the children if things does not workout while we live in Malaysia. I knew then that things were getting serious and I decided to put my foot done and took the bull by the horn. I told my wife that she had to trust me, support my efforts and help me with my feelings and know that I am a man and that all my efforts were for all of us no just for me. As far as putting on paper with the custodian of my children and so on, I told them forget it. I told them that my wife was not capable of caring for two children and even if she does I would feel sorry for them. As proof, I told them that I was willing to stay way from my wife and children for one whole month if she wishes to find out true this was. They both thought it was not a good idea.
My wife has more than my temper that creates fears in her about men, she was abused by men in almost all of her relationships before she met me and a few were very serious ones with three of them ending in a abortion...(I will not go into more detail of the matter as is not appropriate while writing this down in a blog).However i stood my grounds and let it all out in front of Blanch Hartman the Zen Priest and my wife. I stood up for my beliefs and my faith as a Muslim.I told them that perhaps I can never make my wife happy and that our home will never find the harmony that it deserves, however, I will stop blaming myself and that I will go on forging ahead planning for the future albeit in the US or in Malaysia and with or without my wife. As for my children I leave it up to God i told them for now. I can only take care of what is before me, Now!
Their future i said was dependent on what i accomplish in the next few months
I told them that to me America is a culture less country or a country with too many cultures but none to consider its own. I find that the Americans are the worse of cultural critics especially towards cultures that are non western (WASP-Culture). Off course the laws in this country is based on this WASP culture that is still looking to find its own identity. In the court of law I would be crucified, my children taken from me and I would be made to pay for their support. I can hear again and again the question about my temperament and masculinity issues, "Perhaps it is your culture Shamsul, could it be your culture that makes it hard  for you to wear an apron and change the diapers. Perhaps it is your culture that makes it hard for you to see your wife dressed half naked in public or rude to her guests in the home. Perhaps it is your culture for you to accept the fact that women are equal to men!?"
I asked them what culture are they talking about, as though they know me so well? Being a Malay?A Buddhist? A Muslim? or being in the United States for the past twenty years? Which culture are you referring to or should I assume to fit your narrow perception of who I am? Americans are in their thrid or fourth generation only, the culture i come from stretches back thousands of years of right and wrong. It stretches from India to China and distance as well as in History. If you are talking about me being a Malysian, it is a culture that is made up of all these and more. I come from the culture that Zen Buddhism originate from. Americans may forever be ambivalent about Islam and its uncompromising ways as it does not allow for its principles to be easily bent by anyone or culture to suit personal or national interest. If allowed to do so true Islam will cease to exist and in its place only an imitation of it is present.
Buddhism will lead one to enlightenment but that would only be at God's doorstep.Islam is the key that opens this door for one to step in to face the One that will testify your enlightened experience, your Maker. Buddhism may show you the path whereby this Samsaric life can be forged through without too much strain and suffering but what lies after this life only God will bear witness for not even the Buddha has the capacity to explain this phenomenon called God and the life after.
Buddhism in America at the moment is like the blind leading the blind!

This was my marriage counselling that took place before a female Zen Priest at the San Francisco Zen Center at 300 Page Street, San Francisco. Cal. sometime in 1993: never had anymore after that. I loved my wife even more ever since we moved to Japan and later on to Malaysia and I believe i gave her a life she would have missed otherwise with two beautiful children. She became a good Muslim and was well loved and respected by her peers and students when she was a lecturer at KUSZA in Kuala Terengganu.
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