This morning the mailman brought me a package which contained a book entitled "The Monster that Ate Ubud"  as promised by my friend David Trevelyan one of the authors of the book. I was a pleasant surprise and indeed it came at the right moment as i was struggling not to slip myself into a manic depression after meditating and contemplating my immediate future which to say the least is bleak when it comes to money. MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! I have three car payments to catch up to  now and the rent and the daily needs. Its not bad I keep telling myself, Insha'Allah I keep reminding myself, patience I whisper to myself. Thank God my daughter got her financial loan so I have one worry less but her loan money just about covers all that she needs to get by which means it would not be long before she will need my help again, WOW!! Anyone want to buy a 100 feet long painting? it my masterpiece and have been working on it for over three years now! Will negotiate the price for sure and hey, it will be worth a fortune when I am dead and gone!
Or maybe you are interested in my A 3 size sketches mostly nude sketches and you can see the samples on some of my previous blogs, charcoal pencils and pen and ink, I have quite a collection of them and will be willing to let them go for a reasonable offer. Wanna Help out a starving artist? Oh well what can i say, I should have, could have would have done this or done that in my past, but here I am in my present and I am not good at making money as my friend just told me, "Sam, you are like man carrying a treasure chest in your arms but does not know how to use it."
And check this out, I got Google Adsense to advertise in my blogging pages with the hope that it will generate some form of income from it( Listening to advise from my friends), last i checked the message left was Google has disabled the Adsense Account benefit to my blog due to some??? So even here I am out of luck and Google is still advertising on my blog!! So much for trying. Get a JOb!! Yeah at 62 not a bad idea I can still be a security guard somewhere why not? So will start out looking for a job and screw these time wasting, heart aching worthless acts of so called creative expressions. God if I can claim mileage and time for the amount of effort i have put into this blogging and painting and sketching and keeping my anger and frustration in check, I would be a millionaire! But no! I wanna be the good guy, the guy who turned over a new leaf, the guy who is searching for the Divine, the guy who is looking for the recognition from his family and friends! Look where I am at! Pandering my self esteem to no one and everyone, pussyfooting around like a sick rat afraid to take the demons by the balls like i used to and what is worse blaming it all on ageing. HUMBUG!!
Who am I trying to justify my case to I dont know, but this much I know, letting it off like I just did felt good and for that alone the blogging has its merits. It beats the hell out of blaming others or crawling into a hole with a needle in my arm or a bullet in my head, (if i can find a gun).I wish I should, I would and i could but damn if I know what is really bugging me!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I hope the future holds better cards in hand for me but it looks like I am off to a very slow start with my fiscal status at a minus three car payments and rent coming up. Ha! Bahari! What have you done to deserve such poor merits! Well no sense in regrets and I am not dead at least not yet. Body still all there a little slower now but it is still kicking so what is there to be despair about other than just a temporary shortage of funds and whats new to that? My son treated me to Sherlock Holmes last night and my daughter is getting by ok having visited her cousin and spent time with my eldest brother, that's good.So what is really bugging me? This constant nagging feeling that something is amiss and I can't put my finger on it.Maybe don't really need to, may be just have to let it play itself out and reveal itself. I am hitting rock bottom no doubt and if there is any cause for worry it would be the fact that they can repossess my car which has only about a thousand RM left to be paid up for. So right now that's is about it.