I was never good at gambling and now i find myself gambling my future whatever is left of it in trying to make it all a well worth journey of my lifetime where at the end it all can come together to the mutual benifit of all my children albeit financially, socially, emotionally or spiritually. As I have said time and again I at least would leave with the knowledge that I have done it my way, I have chosen the road less travelled and made it work.
Ohh Yes! I would have loved to be rich and drive the Mercedes too, have two or three homes and watch all my kids enjoy life but that is not meant to be as my chosen course in life does not allow for such pleasures.
It was not that I did not have the opportunity to make it so, had i wanted to but my choices were not for comfort and riches alone, I wanted to taste life from the gutter to the pinacle of success and this I have about achieved. Wrapping up the show is a different mattter, just like knowing when to quit while you are ahead in creating a picture.
Perhaps my sin in this life is for thinking too much about life. For being too invovlved and caring too much about all the small details some of which much beyond my will to do anything about. Perhaps i am a dreamer like my eldest brother accused me of and like all dreamers I live in constant threat of nightmares, of demons of my own creation. Drug addiction and alcoholism almost dragged me to the pits of hell on earth but for of Grace of Mercy I was salvaged.