Monday, June 29, 2009

Enlightenning! WHO DIES?

This morning I did my seven rounds of walking meditation exersise around the Muzium Gallery area of USM and broke out sweat, sat under the Ketapang tree infront of the Muzium after some good Tai Chi type workout and sat for some Pranayama exercises to bring my mind and body back to complete peaceful balance. Alot of activity at seven am. and so now I am ready to dive into my shit bucket and see what has been fermenting all these while that I have not updated my blog at the personal level.

Hows life been treating you Bahari? Oh... cant complain, for a man about to turn sixty in two months I cannot say that i have toatally wasted my time here on the planet, just this blog writing alone had taken so much of my time and I would not consider it a waste of my time, nor walking around burning away calories of fat accumultated through having eaten too much Nasi Minyak at the Kenduries and the catering work place is not construed a waste of time, I dont think so. I was at the Little Penang Street market yesterday and sat and listnened to some talented young artists sing their hearts out while my daughter was having fun working with some neat people at the information stand, that was not a total waste of time. not by my book. But I am always being nagged at by this sense of incompleteness, like something that aught to be there is just not or something that should happen for my benifit as well as that of all that I love is just not happening. Why?
Am I being greedy for desirng more than what is allocated for me in my list of needs as a man, what am I expecting from this life after almost sixty years of living like a Gypsy with my family still uncattered to in the event that I am called to join Michael Jackson. Am I prepared to face the after life, hardly so in my estimation, still am weighed down by the all mighty ego and the sense of doubts in who I am. I still care about what others think of me which is one of my baggage difficult to off load even at my age and then I am my worse critique which is not unlike the self falgelation of some mad monk in a Gregorian monastery somewhere. I still stare with unabated want at women's breasts and butts and in my silence scream at myself asking my Maker for forgiveness and protection against such God given freedom. So all in all i should say, nope, my life is not totally wasted even if I have not a dime to my name!And that too is a lie as my son the flier has Western Unioned me some cash to keep me out of trouble with my creditors, bless his soul.
I have learned sometimes in the most humiliting way that having money and being wealthy are not entirely the same thing although it helps a great deal for the later to be backed up by the former. Wealth is relative too, its not how wealthy you are in the material sense that matters most but how wealthy a life you have that makes more sense. This inlcudes having good long lasting friendships, self respect and especially the respect of others despite all your weaknesses is a good gauge for wealth and off course if you can drive a Jaguar (my all time favorite) at the same time would be the cherry on top of a well lived life. As it is even just a kancil is is good enough to ,ake me feel like Schumacker at Sepang in my mind given the right time and environment and a free state of mind for thats all it is, a state of mind, yours and mine.
A free state of mind can be anyhting anywhere and at anytime without any need for external support it is only dependable on the Creator (if one is religious), the One Who has laid out the map to your trip on this plane of existence giving you the freedom to choose left or right at any given junction and the final desitnation would still be the hole, six by three feet deep. Whether you drive a Jag or a Kancil, crawl on your belly or run, whether you have three homes or live a hobo's life or destitution, it all ends up in the hole and after that what does it matters what others have to say about you? There will always be those who breath a sigh of regret with your demise and those who breath a sigh of relief have you not noticed with those who have gone before you?
What do you think of yourself? Thats what i am asking all these while and will keep on doing so into the future till I too will follow the steps of David Caradine and Jacko, two of my all time favorites. Their departures sent a warning flash on my screen telling me that my time too aint that far off and as a good Muslim it is way past the time to weigh all my options or come to a concilitaion with my faith and beliefs. Saw the movie 'The Yes man" with Karim and Marissa and it evoked a few thoughts and ideas in my mind with regard to my own practices and principles in life. All I can say is that I see more and more in myself the slowing down of the pendulum from both extreme ends to a more gradual journey of enjoying the swing rather than the impatience od getting from one end to the other like i used to. As they say, I have slowly began to stop and smell the roses or the crap whichever the case may be. Call it the process of ageing if you may, but it is more than that, it is like a long process of cartharcism of the subconcious, the weeding away of unwanted baggages and accumulated dellusions, unburdening or simply the act of letting it all go... enlightenning.
To lighten yourself, less burden, less crap to carry in your hands and in your mind and not to mention in your soul. As I approach that entrance to the dark hole where we all come to rest when all is said and done I do not want to have too much one my mind other than what lies the'One Step beyond' and how do i manage myself in the afterlife, the grave, the Alam Barzakh or purgatory and so on which is in itself a tough issue for any man to figure out unless he has absolute faith in his Lord where nothing else matters come what may. It is ofren considered morbid if not scary to think of death and the after - life although encourage by the ancient and the prophets as the best of contemplations for man, however as it is something that will in one way or another occurs at anytime in one's life, death and afterlife is an issue that humans will be haunted by even the most skeptical of them. You cannot brush the phenomenon of death off your subconcious mind as it is something that is part and parcel of life itself and hence it demands your attention in more than one way and for many reasons. We can only reflect on death taking events that had occured and for the believers the words of scriptures, but personallly what can we do to understand better the scenario?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

On The Nature of Change

. Alan Watts - “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

How little one changes. Through some form of compulsion, pressure, outward and inner, one changes, which is really an adjustment. Some influence, a word, a gesture, makes one change the pattern of habit but not very much. Propaganda, a newspaper, an incident does alter, to some extent, the course of life. Fear and reward break down the habit of thought only to reform into another pattern. A new invention, a new ambition, a new belief does bring about certain changes. But all these changes are on the surface, like strong wind on water; they are not fundamental, deep, devastating. All change that comes through motive, is no change at all. Economic, social revolution is a reaction and any change brought about through reaction is not a radical change; it is only a change in pattern. Such change is merely adjustment, a mechanical affair of desire for comfort, security, mere physical survival. Then what brings about fundamental mutation? Consciousness, the open and the hidden, the whole machinery of thought, feeling, experience, is within the borders of time and space. It is an indivisible whole; the division, conscious and hidden, is there only for the convenience of communication but the division is not factual. The upper level of consciousness can and does modify itself, adjust itself, change itself, reform itself, acquire new knowledge, technique; it can change itself to conform to a new social, economic pattern but such changes are superficial and brittle. The unconscious, the hidden, can and does intimate and hint through dreams its compulsions, its demands, its stored-up desires. Dreams need interpretations but the interpreter is always conditioned. There is no need for dreams if during the waking hours there is a choiceless awareness in which every fleeting thought and feeling is understood; then sleep has altogether a different meaning. Analysis of the hidden implies the observer and the observed, the censor and the thing that is judged. In this there is not only conflict but the observer himself is conditioned and his evaluation, interpretation, can never be true; it will be crooked, perverted. So self-analysis or an analysis by another, however professional, may bring about some superficial changes, an adjustment in relationship and so on but analysis will not bring about a radical transformation of consciousness. Analysis does not transform consciousness.

All that I know about my life, it seems, I have learned in books.
Jean-Paul Sartre1.

Alan Watts - “When your eyes are functioning well you don't see your eyes. If your eyes are imperfect you see spots in front of them. That means there are some lesions in the retina or wherever, and because your eyes aren't working properly, you feel them. In the same way, you don't hear your ears. If you have a ringing in your ears it means there's something wrong with your ears. Therefore, if you do feel yourself, there must be something wrong with you. Whatever you have, the sensation of I is like spots in front of your eyes - it means something's wrong with your functioning.”

On the Nature of Fear.

Adapted from True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala 2004).

“We have great fear inside ourselves. We are afraid of everything–of our death, of being alone, of change. Fear is born from our concepts regarding life, death, being, and nonbeing. If we are able to get rid of all these concepts by touching the reality within ourselves, then nonfear will be there and the greatest relief will become possible.”

"There is fear. Fear is never an actuality; it is either before or after the active present. When there is fear in the active present, is it fear? It is there and there is no escape from it, no evasion possible. There, at that actual moment, there is total attention at the moment of danger, physical or psychological. When there is complete attention there is no fear. But the actual fact of inattention breeds fear; fear arises when there is an avoidance of the fact, a flight; then the very escape itself is fear. Fear and its many forms, guilt, anxiety, hope, despair, is there in every movement of relationship; it is there in every search for security; it is there in so-called love and worship; it is there in ambition and success; it is there in life and in death; it is there in physical things and in psychological factors. There is fear in so many forms and at all the levels of our consciousness. Defence, resistance and denial spring from fear. Fear of the dark and fear of light; fear of going and fear of coming. Fear begins and ends with the desire to be secure; inward and outward security, with the desire to be certain, to have permanency. The continuity of permanence is sought in every direction, in virtue, in relationship, in action, in experience, in knowledge, in outward and inward things. To find and be secure is the everlasting cry. It is this insistent demand that breeds fear. But is there permanency, outwardly or inwardly? Perhaps in a measure, outwardly there might be, and even that is precarious; wars, revolutions, progress, accident and earthquakes. There must be food, clothes and shelter; that is essential and necessary for all. Though it is sought after, blindly and with reason, is there ever inward certainty, inward continuity, permanency? There is not. The flight from this reality is fear. The incapacity to face this reality breeds every form of hope and despair. Thought itself is the source of fear. Thought is time; thought of tomorrow is pleasure or pain; if it's pleasurable, thought will pursue it, fearing its end; if it's painful, the very avoidance of it is fear. Both pleasure and pain cause fear. Time as thought and time as feeling bring fear. It is the understanding of thought, the mechanism of memory and experience, that is the ending of fear. Thought is the whole process of consciousness, the open and the hidden; thought is not merely the thing thought upon but the origin of itself. Thought is not merely belief, dogma, idea and reason but the centre from which these arise. This centre is the origin of all fear. But is there the experiencing of fear or is there the awareness of the cause of fear from which thought is taking flight? Physical self-protection is sane, normal and healthy but every other form of self-protection, inwardly, is resistance and it always gathers, builds up strength which is fear. But this inward fear makes outward security a problem of class, prestige, power, and so there is competitive ruthlessness. When this whole process of thought, time and fear is seen, not as an idea, an intellectual formula, then there is total ending of fear, conscious or hidden. Self-understanding is the awakening and ending of fear. And when fear ceases, then the power to breed illusion, myth, visions, with their hope and despair also ceases, and then only begins a movement of going beyond consciousness, which is thought and feeling. It is the emptying of the innermost recesses and deep hidden wants and desires. Then when there is this total emptiness, when there is absolutely and literally nothing, no influence, no value, no frontier, no word, then in that complete stillness of time-space, there is that which is unnameable. "


"Fear of birth and death are two other forms of fear which are being often discussed in the Buddhist books. The fear of death is in the nature of psychological pain and this has been discussed even by the western scholars who are mere moral philosophers. According to Olson ‘Although death may be precipitated by painful disease, death itself is perfectly painless loss of consciousness, no more to be feared than falling asleep. Death terrorize us not because we fear it as painful, but we are unwilling to lose consciousness permanently.” The idea of concentration on death which is a favorite topic of meditation in Buddhism, is quite akin to the idea expressed by Senaca of the Stoics who says “to overcome the fear of death, we must think of it constantly. The important thing is to think of it in the proper manner.” Heidegger and Sartre like most existentialists urge us to cultivate the awareness of death as a means of heightening our sense. According to the former the awareness of death confers upon a man, a sense of his own individuality. In Buddhism, the conscious and willful awareness of death serves as a stimulant and promoter of the ethical life. In the awareness of death, get through your activities in life as though your head were ablaze’, says the Samyutta Nikaya.
Further he says he whose mind is not soaked (by lust), he who is not afflicted (by hatred), he who has transcended both good and evil, for such a vigilant one there is no fear. The Buddha’s advice to his followers was that, if we are keen to get rid of fear we must cut down the forest (of the passions) from which arises fear.
Fear on the whole is destructive to the individual and it paralyzes activity and debases the quality of thought. All strain, doubts, hesitation, worry mental and to some extent physical fatigue, fall away when the thought of ‘self’ has been banished. The result would be, that it would increase not only the happiness, but also the efficiency, courage and confidence of the individual."
The teachings of Buddhism

A Reader recently wrote: What is the buddhist way to overcome fear and anxiety in life? I understand it is by controlling the mind: but the question is what are some of the key techniques used to tame the mind in a more positive way?
My Response:
Meditation will generally lead to a calmer, more thoughtful approach to most things, and that would be my main recommendation; get started meditating and learn to control your anxieties.
Another thing to consider is that fear is generally a result of attachment. Buddhists consider attachment (”grasping”) a bad thing. Everything changes, and that’s something we have to learn and accept. That’s a whole lot easier to say than do, but that really is it in a nutshell. Think for a bit on what causes your fear. What are you afraid of losing? Is that something (or someone) that you are going to lose eventually anyway? Most things and people are going to be lost someday, no matter what we do; it is important to understand and accept that.
That sounds somewhat negative, but once those bonds of grasping can be broken, you will have real freedom, and the fearlessness that accompanies it.

5. The Shaikh's Death Excerpted from Futuh al-Ghaib [Revelations of the Unseen]

The Shaikh's final advice to his sons (sanctified be their innermost secrets); some valuable remarks he made; his last illness and death. When the Shaikh was in the throes of the illness of which he died, his son 'Abd al-Wahhab said to him: "O my master, leave me with some advice to put into practice after you are gone." To this he replied "You must observe your duty to Allah, fear no one but Allah, pin your hopes on no one but Allah, and entrust all your needs to Allah (Almighty and Glorious is He). Do not rely on anyone but Him, address all your requests to Him (Exalted is He), and put your trust in no one other than Allah (Glory be to Him). Affirm His Oneness. All is contained within the affirmation of His Oneness." He also said, "When the heart is as it should be with Allah (Almighty and Glorious is He), it wants for nothing and contains nothing superfluous." He said further, "I am a kernel with no shell." To his sons he said,"Keep your distance from me, for I am with you outwardly, but inwardly I am with others." He also said, "Others have come into my presence, so make room for them and treat them courteously. A very great kindness here. Do not crowd their space." He kept saying, "On you be peace, and Allah's mercy and His blessings. May Allah forgive me and you. May Allah relent toward me and toward you. In the Name of Allah, farewell!" He said this for a day and a night. He said, "Woe unto you! Nothing worries me, not the angel, not even you, O angel of death! He who cares for us has blessed us with something beyond you." Then he uttered a loud cry. This was on the day in the late evening of which he died. It is reported by two of his sons, Shaikh 'Abd al-Razzaq and Shaikh Musa that the venerable Ghawth would raise his hands and stretch them out, while saying: "On you be peace, and Allah's mercy and His blessings! Repent and get into line when it comes to your turn." He was sayng, "Wait!" Then came to him the moment of truth and the pang of death.
He said (may Allah be well pleased with him): "Between me and you and all other creatures there is a distance like that between heaven and earth, so do not compare me to anyone, and do not compare us with anyone." Then his son Shaikh 'Abd al-'Aziz asked him again about his suffering and how he felt, but he said, "Let no one ask me anything. I am basking in the knowledge of Allah (Almighty and Glorious is He)." Shaikh 'Abd al-'Aziz (sanctified be his innermost secret) asked him again about his illness, and he replie, "No one knows the nature of my sickness, and nobody understands it, be he human, jinn, or angel. Allah's knowledge is not diminished by Allah's decree. The decree may change, but the knowledge is unchanging. 'Allah effaces or confirms whatever He will, and with Him is the Essence of the Book,' (13:39). 'He will not be questioned as to what He does, but they will be questioned.' (21:23).
" The following descriptions have also been reported:His son Shaikh 'Abd al-Jabbar asked him: "Which part of your body gives you pain?" He replied, "All my organs are hurting me except my heart. There is no pain there, for it is with Allah (Almighty and Glorious is He)." Then death came to him, as he was saying, "I seek help in the words: 'There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Glorified and Exalted is He, the Ever-Living, Who has no fear of passing away. Glory be to Him Who exults in His omnipotence, and subdues His servants with death. There is none worthy of worship but Allah. Muhammad is Allah's Messenger.'"His son Shaikh Musa (sanctified be his innermost secret) told us that when death approached the presence of the Shaikh he was trying to say the word "ta'azzaza" ["exults"], but could not get the pronunciation right, so he kept on repeating "ta-'az-za-za," slowly and emphatically, until his tongue shot it out. Then he said: "Allah, Allah, Allah," till his voice grew faint and his tongue was cleaving to the roof of his mouth. Then his noble spirit went forth. The good pleasure of Allah (Exalted is He) be upon him."

Sources: Mukhtar Holland, Al Baaz Publications,
Sheikh al - -Qadir al-jilani.

Love v$ Fear


The global economic meltdown is activating fear in millions of individuals who, in turn, are activating it in millions more. Cable news channels, always seeking advertising revenue, report the grimmest news in the most attention-attracting ways, which intensifies fear. Last evening, for example, one reported the "horrifying numbers" contained in the latest government report on unemployment. It is important to remember that this kind of news activates fear-based parts of your personality and if you are not aware of them, you will act from these parts by judging, complaining, becoming depressed, and more. You can become aware of them by focusing your attention inside your body and feeling the uncomfortable or painful sensations that they produce when they become active (instead of focusing your attention outside your body on what triggers those sensations). Recognizing this is crucial to well-being, health, and spiritual growth.
The frightened parts of your personality that become horrified (or angry, jealous, resentful, depressed, etc.) at unemployment numbers or anything else have been horrified (angry, jealous, resentful, etc.) before and will become horrified again. They exist independently of the triggers that activate them. Healing the frightened parts of your personality (instead of trying to change the triggers of them) creates spiritual growth. This is helpful to remember the next time a frightened part of your personality becomes active, for example, when you feel fear, despair, helplessness, or hopelessness.
Whether you are watching the news or your home is being foreclosed or anything between, the frightened parts of your personality that are panicked, angry, etc., are the very parts that you must heal in order to free yourself permanently from their painful experiences. You can attempt to change the circumstances that activate them (this is the pursuit of external power) and relieve the pain temporarily if you are successful, or you can eradicate the source of these painful experiences permanently (this is the creation of authentic power).
Keep your eye on the ball the next time a frightened part of your personality becomes active. It is an opportunity to create authentic power. You can challenge it by consciously experiencing the pain of this part of your personality (instead of, for example, distracting yourself) and while you are experiencing the pain of it, choose to do something different (respond) instead of what it habitually does (react). Every circumstance - including declining equity values, collapse of housing prices, failure of a bank, and ongoing credit crunch - offers you an opportunity to create authentic power. This is important to understand because creating authentic power - harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life - individual by individual is now central to replacing obsolete social structures (such as education, health, commerce, and governance in addition to financial) that reflect the perception of power as the ability to manipulate and control with new social structures that are built on the values of the soul.
Gary Zukav..

The Nature of Need

" The understanding of need is of great significance. There is the outward need, necessary and essential, food, clothes and shelter; but beyond that is there any other need? Though each one is caught up in the turmoil of inward needs, are they essential? The need for sex, the need to fulfil, the compulsive urge of ambition, envy, greed, are they the way of life? Each one has made them the way of life for thousands of years; society and church respects and honours them greatly. Each one has accepted that way of life or, being so conditioned to that life, goes along with it, struggling feebly against the current, discouraged, seeking escapes. And escapes become more significant than the reality. The psychological needs are a defensive mechanism against something much more significant and real. The need to fulfil, to be important springs from the fear of something which is there but not experienced, known. Fulfilment and self importance, in the name of one's country or party or because of some gratifying belief, are escapes from the fact of one's own nothingness, emptiness, loneliness, of one's own self-isolating activities. The inward needs which seem to have no end multiply, change and continue. This is the source of contradictory and burning desire. Desire is always there; the objects of desire change, diminish or multiply but it is always there. Controlled, tortured, denied, accepted, suppressed, allowed to run freely or cut off, it is always there, feeble or strong. What is wrong with desire? Why this incessant war against it? It is disturbing, painful, leading to confusion and sorrow but yet it is there, always there, weak or rich. To understand it completely, not to suppress it, not to discipline it out of all recognition is to understand need. Need and desire go together, like fulfilment and frustration. There's no noble or ignoble desire but only desire, ever in conflict within itself. The hermit and the party boss are burning with it, call it by different names but it is there, eating away the heart of things. When there is total understanding of need, the outward and the inner, then desire is not a torture. Then it has quite a different meaning, a significance far beyond the content of thought and it goes beyond feeling, with its emotions, myths and illusions. With the total understanding of need, not the mere quantity or the quality of it, desire then is a flame and not a torture. Without this flame life itself is lost. It is this flame that burns away the pettiness of its object, the frontiers, the fences that have been imposed upon it. Then call it by whatever name you will - love, death, beauty. Then it is there without an end. "


"One of my favorite stories comes from the Sufi tradition of mystical Islam. It is a tale that tells us exactly what we will have to face if we endeavor to walk the path of desire.

A man sits in the center of a Middle Eastern marketplace crying his eyes out, a platter of peppers spilled out on the ground before him. Steadily and methodically, he reaches for pepper after pepper, popping them into his mouth and chewing deliberately, at the same time wailing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong, Nasruddin?" his friends wonder, gathering around the extraordinary sight. "What's the matter with you?"
Tears stream down Nasruddin's face as he sputters an answer. "I'm looking for a sweet one," he gasps.

Nasruddin is rendering a conventional spiritual teaching. Our desires bind us to the wheel of suffering. Even though we know that they bring us pain, we cannot convince ourselves to relinquish our grip. As Freud liked to say, there is an "unbridgeable gap" between desire and satisfaction, a gap that is responsible for both our civilization and our discontent.

But Nasruddin's perseverance is a clue to how impossible it is to abandon ship. He is an enlightened teacher, after all, not just a fool. Like it or not, he is saying, desire will not leave us alone. There is a hopefulness to the human spirit that will just not accept no for an answer. Desire keeps us going, even as it takes us for a ride. As Freud was also fond of saying, desire "presses ever forward unsubdued,"2 pushing us to find and make use of our creativity, propelling us toward an elusive but nonetheless compelling goal.

I have been doing a little reading and searching for a few topics of my intrest like 'Meditation and Knowledge etc. to upgrade or remind myself of these lessons in the past few entries. I have also exhausted myself writing about the day to day happenings in my life and needed to detour. So most of what is entered are quotes and passages from great thinkers and writers i had on ocaisions been fammiliar with and taken here for my personal use and not plagiarised for any purpose other than as what i had mentioned, simply notes to myself. J. Krishnamurti, G.I.Gurdjief, among others were my regular readings in my younger seeking days and their works has some influence on my life thoughts and ideas. I was blessed to have developed an intrest in reading the 'heavier stuff' such as philosophy and religion and often books came my way out of the blue as though called upon in answer to unknown questions or to impart an unthought of idea. In these days and age of the internet a whole world of literature is made available at my fingertips and I am able to conjure up all my past gurus and masters at anytime, what more can be called a miracle?
Baba Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Gary Zukav, Richard Bach, Osho, Rabinranath Tagore, Carlos Castaneda, M.K. Ghandi, Sunryu Suzuki, Katagiri Roshi, Tich Nath Hanh(sp?) to name the few whose teachings had touched my life in the past and helped me find my way to who I am today. Today I am accompanied by the works of Sheikh Abdul al - Qadir al- jilani and Ibn Arabi. My spirutal journey, if i may call it that is coming to to a full circle and my reintroduction into the way of the Prophet of Islam and the works of Sufi masters will hopefully makes some sense of the whole time spent in seeking for answers that the inner being had demanded for its own salvation. I am no where close to getting to fully understand who I am and what my potentials are but I am alot closer than I used to be when i was an upstart starting my life in the US in 1973. The exposure i had to these books and teachings had soften my personality somewhat form being judgemental and critical of others especially those whose views are opposed to mine or whose ways makes me want to drop a bomb at their doorsteps.

On Knowledge and Intelligence

" Knowledge is destructive to discovery. Knowledge is always in time, in the past; it can never bring freedom. But knowledge is necessary, to act, to think, and without action existence is not possible. But action however wise, righteous and noble will not open the door to truth. There's no path to truth; it cannot be bought through any action nor through any refinement of thought. Virtue is only order in a disordered world and there must be virtue, which is a movement of non-conflict. But none of these will open the door to that immensity. The totality of consciousness must empty itself of all its knowledge, action and virtue; not empty itself for a purpose, to gain, to realize, to become. It must remain empty though functioning in the everyday world of thought and action. Out of this emptiness, thought and action must come. But this emptiness will not open the door. There must be no door nor any attempt to reach. There must be no centre in this emptiness, for this emptiness has no measurement; it's the centre that measures, weighs, calculates. This emptiness is beyond time and space; it's beyond thought and feeling. It comes as quietly, unobtrusively, as love; it has no beginning and end. It's there unalterable and immeasurable. "


What is the India Man talking about? For those who are fammiliar with K and his way of delivering his thoughts it comes easy to understand what the hell he is talking about but for those who are alien to this mode of delivery which is typical Krishnamurti it takes some thinking and some reflection to digest what it means to be an absolute blank but like a mirror not just a blank piece of paper. Emptiness has no experiencer of being empty no observer it is just is.

In the Heart Sutra of the Mahayana Buddhism, the Buddha talked of Form and emptiness: that Form is Emptiness and Emptiness is Form,

The same is true of feelings, Perceptions, Impulses, Conciousness...

""The intimate of Allah is he who has bropught himself to nothingness. Only then can he see the existance of the truth. There is no will left in him to choose. There is no 'I' left other than the only existence, which is the truth...The degree of his yearning, his wish and speed of his pace ar3 in proportion to his lightness, to his having shed the weight of his worldly self. For the more one takes off the coarse clothing of this world, the more one feels the warmth of one's Creator and the closer to the surface inner being comes. Closeness to the truth is in relation to the amount of false materiality one has thrown away. In giving away one's multiple aspects one comes closer to the only truth."
Sheikh Abd al - Qadir al - jilani

"YES, PROFESSOR, KNOWLEDGE AND UNDERSTANDING ARE QUITE DIFFERENT. Only understanding can lead to being, whereas knowledge is but a passing presence in it. New knowledge displaces the old and the result is, as it were, a pouring from the empty into the void. One must strive to understand; this alone can lead to our Lord God. "
G.I Gurdjief

Intelligence is not the mere capacity of design, remembrance and communication; it is more than that. One can be very informed and clever at one level of existence and quite dull at other levels. There knowledge, however deep and wide, does not necessarily indicate intelligence. Capacity is not intelligence. Intelligence is sensitive awareness of the totality of life; life with its problems, contradictions, miseries, joys. To be aware of all this, without choice and without being caught by any one of its issues and to flow with the whole of life is intelligence. This intelligence is not the result of influence and environment; it is not the prisoner of either of them and so can understand them and thus be free of them. Consciousness is limited, open or hidden, and its activity, however alert, is confined within the borders of time; intellgence is not. Sensitive awareness, without choice, of the totality of life is intelligence. This intelligence cannot be used for gain and profit, personal or collective. This intelligence is destruction and so the form has no significance and reform then becomes a retrogression. Without destruction all change is modified continuity. Psychological destruction of all that has been, not mere outward change, that is the essence of intelligence. Without this intelligence every action leads to misery and confusion. Sorrow is the denial of this intelligence. Ignorance is not the lack of knowledge but of self-knowing; without self-knowing there is no intelligence. Self-knowing is not accumulative as knowledge; learning is from moment to moment. It is not an additive process; in the process of gathering, adding, a centre is formed, a centre of knowledge, of experience. In this process, positive or negative, there is no understanding, for as long as there is an intention of gathering or resisting, the movement of thought and feeling are not understood, there is no self-knowing. Without self-knowing there's no intelligence. Self-knowing is active present, not a judgment; all self-judgment implies an accumulation, evaluation from a centre of experience and knowledge. It is this past that prevents the understanding of the active present. In the pursuit of self-knowing there is intelligence. "

Jesus (AS) said,
"Man has to be born twice to reach the realms of the angels, like the birds who are born twice,' It is the birth of the meaning from the act, the birth of the spirit from the flesh. That possibility is in man. That is the mystery, the secret of man. It is born of the intercourse of man's knowledge of the religion and man's awareness of the truth, as all children are born of the union of two drops of water."

It takes a whole load of knowledge and intelligence to understand fully what Krishnamurti is babbling about in the quotation above, it is not for the weak minded and the mentally lazy individual. Intelligence is the end of knowledge and accumulataive knowledge leads to intelligence'and wisdom is the gift of the Divine.

" ...All of the material univers are but a drop in comparisson to the sea of spiritual world. It is only when all this is understood that the spiritual power and light of the mysteries of divine nature, the real truth, emanate into the world without words and without sound."
Sheikh al -Qadir al- jilani

On Meditation

If you want to live a more fulfilled life, first you will want to know your potential, who you really are. Meditation is the route to that knowing. It is the methodology of the science of awareness.The beauty of the inner science is that it enables whoever wants to explore and to experiment within, to do so alone. This eliminates dependence on an outer authority, the need to be affiliated with any organization and the obligation to accept a certain ideology. Once you understand the steps, you walk the walk in your own, individual way.
"Meditation has no beginning and no end; in it there's no achievement and no failure, no gathering and no renunciation; it is a movement without finality and so beyond and above time and space. The experiencing of it is the denying of it, for the experiencer is bound to time and space, memory and recognition. The foundation for true meditation is that passive awareness which is the total freedom from authority and ambition, envy and fear. Meditation has no meaning, no significance whatsoever without this freedom, without self-knowing; as long as there's choice there's no self-knowing. Choice implies conflict which prevents the understanding of what is. Wandering off into some fancy, into some romantic beliefs, is not meditation; the brain must strip itself of every myth, illusion and security and face the reality of their falseness. There's no distraction, everything is in the movement of meditation. The flower is the form, the scent, the colour and the beauty that is the whole of it. Tear it to pieces actually or verbally, then there is no flower, only a remem- brance of what was, which is never the flower. Meditation is the whole flower in its beauty, withering and living. "

A meditative mind can concentrate which then is not an exclusion, a resistance, but a concentrated mind cannot meditate. It's curious how all-important meditation becomes; there's no end to it nor is there a beginning to it. It's like a raindrop; in that drop are all the streams, the great rivers, the seas and the waterfalls; that drop nourishes the earth and man; without it, the earth would be a desert. Without meditation the heart becomes a desert, a wasteland. Meditation has its own movement; you can't direct it, shape it or force it, if you do, it ceases to be meditation. This movement ceases if you are merely an observer, if you are the experiencer. Meditation is the movement that destroys the observer, the experiencer; it's a movement that is beyond all symbol, thought and feeling. Its rapidity is not measurable.

Meditation breaks down the frontiers of consciousness; it breaks down the mechanism of thought and the feeling which thought arouses. Meditation caught in a method, in a system of rewards and promises, cripples and tames energy. Meditation is the freeing of energy in abundance, and control, discipline and suppression spoil the purity of that energy. Meditation is the flame burning intensely without leaving any ashes. Words, feeling, thought, always leave ashes and to live on ashes is the way of the world. Meditation is danger for it destroys everything, nothing whatsoever is left, not even a whisper of desire, and in this vast, unfathomable emptiness there is creation and love.


Editorial CommentWhat Meditation Is -- and What It Is Not

There are many different, even contradictory ideas, about what meditation is. Primary to the Osho approach is the need for the meditator to understand the nature of the mind, rather than fight with it.Most of us most of the time are run by, dominated by our thoughts or feelings. It follows that we tend to think we are those thoughts and feeling. Meditation is the state of simply being, just pure experiencing, with no interference from the body or mind. It’s a natural state but one which we have forgotten how to access.The word meditation is also used for what is, more accurately, a meditation method. Meditative methods, techniques or devices are means by which to create an inner ambience that facilitates disconnecting from the bodymind so one can simply be. While initially it is helpful to put time aside to practice a structured meditation method, there are many techniques that are practiced within the context of one’s everyday life – at work, at leisure, alone and with others.Methods are needed only until the state of meditation – of relaxed awareness, of consciousness and centering – has become not just a passing experience but as intrinsic to one as, say, breathing.Some Common MisconceptionsMeditation is…1) Only for people who are on a spiritual search.The benefits of meditation are manifold. Chief among them are the ability to relax and to be aware without effort. Useful tools for just about everyone!2) A practice to gain “peace of mind.”Peace of mind is a contradiction in terms. By its very nature the mind is a chronic commentator. What you can discover through meditation is the knack of finding the distance between yourself and the commentary, so that the mind, with its constant circus of thoughts and emotions, no longer intrudes on your inherent state of silence. 3) A mental discipline or effort to control or “tame” the mind, to become more mindful.Meditation is neither a mental effort nor an attempt to control the mind. Effort and control involve tension, and tension is antithetical to the state of meditation. Besides, there is no need to control the mind, only to understand it and how it works. The meditator does not need to tame his mind, to become more mindful, but to grow more in consciousness.4) Focusing, concentrating or contemplating.Focusing, like concentrating is a narrowing of awareness. You concentrate on one object to the exclusion of everything else. By contrast, meditation is all-inclusive, your consciousness is expanded. The contemplator is focused on an object – perhaps a religious object, a photograph or on an inspiring aphorism. The meditator is simply aware, but not of anything in particular.5) A new experience.Not necessarily – sportsmen know this space, which they refer to as “the zone.” Artists know it – through singing, painting, playing music. We can know it through gardening, playing with the kids, walking on the beach or making love. Even as children we may have had experiences of it. Meditation is a natural state and one that you have almost certainly tasted, although perhaps without knowing the name of the flavor.

Most of us have o idea or the inclination to have any such idea as to how our mind functions in relation to the world out there and the world within. What makes us tick, how much influence we have on how our thoughts are formed, why we let ourselves be driven by external stimuli and have the feeling of helplessness in times of dire need. We have faith in all sort of imaginable things and very little in our own mental capabilities and most of us sadly enough have so much faith in God that we forgot how to think for ourselves. God has become the strongest crutch that man can lean on and the devil is the scapegoat when things go wrong. The rest of life or living is up for grabs like eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are sleepy, stand in line and wait for your turn at the slaughter house.

Why do we as humans have brains, the ability to choose between good and evil, the ability to feel sorrow and pleasure, to regret and to grieve, to feel pride and prejudice, why did God created us such that we can think? As a matter of fact that all we seemed to be doing and that is thinking, non stop thinking like there is never a moment when thought does not occur. There are those who even think themselves into insanity or schizoid. We think ourselves into becoming millionaires and paupers, slaves and kings, we think ourselves into becoming the perfect man and then we are told that all is Maya! And we think all over again on why this is so. We are told that our life here on earth is impermanent and that we are to look foreward to the afterlife and so must be well prepared for it in this life that is an Illusion and temporary and we ask why? The Buddha did, and he set out to find the answer, he found it for himself, what good did it do us? Think!!

The Koran said Read! It is as good as saying think! The more you read the more you think and thoughts like dreams has the tendency to grow into nightmares or chaos when there is too much of it. Now we have thought ourselves collectively into how to destroy ourselves and our lonely planet, North Korea has thought itself into becoming a Nuclear bully just like the rest of the other bullies. We are the product of our thoughts and and we think ourselves to death.

Is it possible to not think? Or at the very least to lessen the thinking process, to bring thoughts to the bare minimum? Think! Hence the very act of trying to lessen the thought processes demands thinking, the thinking of how not to think. What happens when there is no thoughts? Does the mind ceases to function, do we become vegetables? Every question with regard to this matter demands that one think about the answer. It is like the old Zen story of looking for the ox while riding the ox. In order to slow down the thought process one has to shift it into a lower gear just like the car. This is accomplished quite naturally by taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Yawning is another natural form of slowing down the mental states especially that of thinking, the mind gets tired of thinking it wants to fall asleep. A sigh is another natural valve for the mind to release itself from too much thinking, a sigh of relief or a sigh of despair or even regret, is like the shifting of the thinking process into its lower gear. Falling asleep at least nodding off into a sleep state is the ultimate thought stopper the state before the dream state takes over.
So, why do we need to learn how to meditate and what is the connection between thoughts or thinking and meditation?

Internal Dialogue
Internal DialogueBy Swami Rama

Uncontrolled thoughts lead to the asylum, but controlled internal dialogue leads to an understanding of the nature of the mind and helps in the path of meditation and contemplation. If you do not want to meditate, then do not meditate. You should not fight with your mind; you should have a gentle dialogue with your mind. You will learn many things when you enter into this kind of self-dialogue. Developing internal dialogue is a very important step, but one that few students understand. To succeed in meditation you have to develop this important step. You do not begin with meditation itself. First you learn to set a regular meditation time, and then to have a dialogue with yourself. In this process you are coming in contact with your inner, internal states. You are learning about the subtle aspects of your mind, your own conscience, and at the same time you are training yourself. If you don’t have time to have a dialogue with yourself, to fulfill the purpose of your life, that is a sin. If you have a dialogue with yourself for a few minutes or hours before you do meditation, then your meditation will be good. If you do not do that, then you use your meditation time for self-dialogue, and then the “meditation” is not really meditation. So before you begin to try to meditate, you should sit down and talk to yourself, have a dialogue. In this manner many problems can be solved, and you will receive new insights. The state of meditation may not yet have actually been developed, but you can just relax and have a dialogue with yourself at exactly the same time.Your task is to cultivate a relationship with your own mind. This process of dialogue is very important. You will enjoy internal dialogue, provided you take the time to do it well. Learn to make some time for this. Have a good, pleasant dialogue. To talk to your mind, you should have confidence. You have to realize that the mind is yours, but is has taken over. In this process, you start a dialogue, talking to yourself.When you coordinate the way you think, the way you speak, and the way you act, that is perfect communication. Such a person has the capacity to become a sage. Your problem is that this inner perspective—and thus your knowledge—is not retained. It is as if your are pouring milk into a bowl with a hole in it. Your first effort should be to patch that hole, and then, when knowledge comes, it is retained. When you expand the capacity you have, you receive knowledge. In your self-dialogue you do not, out of egotism, start controlling your mind—you start by being a friend. To have a friend is great. You share what you have with a friend, and he shares what he has. Understand that your mind is your friend. Be a close friend to your mind, a very close friend. Let the mind whisper those inner secrets to you, and put all things in front of your mind. This is the contract between you and your great friend, the mind. Put in front of your mind all your external problems, and your mind will share all its inner secrets and whispers. To do this, you need courage. This path of fire and light is tread only by the person who has courage.Each of you has good qualities, but you do not come in touch with them. When you experience your negativity, then you develop many sicknesses. That is why having a dialogue is very important. When you have a dialogue, your mind has a tremendous capacity, a vast capacity. Your mind can tell you many things, but do not allow your untrained, unpolished, uncontrolled, and uneducated mind become your teacher. Let your mind remain a friend. When you talk to a friend there is a question of what you accept and what you do not accept. Do experiments with yourself: how often does your mind lie and how often is it accurate? Establish a friendship with your mind on an equal basis. Do not listen to the mind’s temptations, but do listen to its suggestions, good ideas, and advice.When you have a self-dialogue, you may realize that God has graced you with everything. So who creates problems for you if you are not at peace? Your mind. You can have a dialogue with the mind and tell the mind, “When you do this to me, you are perhaps the greatest sufferer. You suffer and make the body suffer. Please be my friend.” Your mind can be a great friend or a great foe. If you use all your internal resources you will not have an enemy, but you will have a friend. That which is an enemy can be converted into a great friend. To learn to love, begin by being gentle in your dialogue.The process of learning to have an internal dialogue will definitely help you learn to make a friend of your mind, and then you can begin the process of self-transformation. Learn to counsel yourself and have a self-dialogue. Learn to mentally talk to yourself. Sit down and have a dialogue with yourself; ask yourself why you are doing an action. Then you will understand the process of habit formation. With all your idealization of sadhana and gurus and teachers, you have neglected one thing: you need to know something practical. You need to know a practical method of gaining freedom from those weaknesses which are difficult for you to resolve. Your whole life can be one of meditation. One method is to ask yourself to consider some question that is on your mind. The source of the answers for such questions is exactly the same place as that from which the questions themselves spring. The question comes from within and the answer is also within. Your questions remain a question because you cannot withdraw yourself from the conflict for some time like a second person, and watch from a distance. When questions come, say to them, “Okay, come.” Do not push them away by repeating your mantra. That is not helpful; instead, let everything come before you for a decision—just watch. You need to train your buddhi, the intellect, as well as the functions of manas, ahamkara, and chitta. This is the real training and the real education in life—when you start to educate yourself. In this kind of training, books can’t help you; nothing external will help you. You have to understand yourself. You need to ask yourself how you think, why you are emotional, and what the problems are with your mind. You need to question why you become emotionally disorganized, why you forget things, and why you do not attend to things properly. You need to consider why you often do not do what you really want to do. Put these questions to yourself and you’ll find the answers. Such a dialogue is itself called “upanishad.” The word “upanishad” refers to those teachings imparted by a teacher. It is a dialogue between the student and the teacher: one wants to learn, and the other wants to teach, and both are very dedicated. A special kind of loyalty and sincerity exists between them. Fortunate are whose who are enlightened, and most fortunate are those who are prepared to receive the teachings. When a competent teacher, a great seer, has prepared his student, that dialogue is an upanishad. You can also enter into such a dialogue with yourself if you become a real student, and if you are committed, and have decided that you want to receive knowledge from within. There is a procedure for doing this that you should understand. The teacher in the external world has his responsibility. The responsibility of the external teacher is over when he leads his student to the path of silence, from which everyone receives knowledge. The simple method to enlightenment is to first know yourself. Learn to work with yourself; don’t give up in that. Give up on anything else, but don’t give up that goal. Remind yourself, “I will continue to work with myself. I can do it, I will do it, and I must do it.” Remember these three sentences: “I can do it. I will do it, and I must do it.” Whenever anything comes into your mind, ask your buddhi, the counselor within, “Should I do it?” The moment you ask, “Should I do it?” means you are counseling with your buddhi. You may commit mistakes, once, twice, or even three times, but buddhi will always guide you more and more clearly. Slowly your ego will become aware of the Truth. The day that the ego becomes aware of the Truth, that barrier that the ego creates every day will instead become a means. Then, the same power that is presently your enemy becomes your friend, and that is a delightful experience. Internal dialogue is actually a contemplative method. Such dialogues strengthen the faculty of decisiveness and sharpen the buddhi, the higher intellect, which can penetrate into the subtleties of the inner levels. Mental dialogue is very healthy for resolving many conflicts that arise in the mind of the aspirant as it remains habitually traveling to the grooves of past habits. One example of this contemplative method of internal dialogue is to close the eyes and ask, “O mind, witness the world of objects, and observe the impermanence of those objects you long to achieve, to embrace, and to save. What difference is there in the objects of dreams and the objects of the waking state? What reason is there for being attached to the unreal things of the world; they are like experiences of the dreaming state. They are constantly changing, and you have no right to own them, for you can only use them. O mind, listen to the sayings of the great sages and teachers; follow in the footprints of those who have already trod the path of light and enlightenment. You will find that Truth is that which is unchangeable; Absolute Reality is that which is beyond the conditioning of time, space, and causation.” If one does not appreciate and accept himself, it is because he has been doing negative meditation. This has made him what he is today. Worry is one form of negative meditation and it can become a deep-seated unconscious habit. One can create many diseases through his own mind and one can heal himself through this same mind. So one should learn to give himself feedback. “I am all right, and the life force is here in me. Why am I condemning myself? Why am I hurting myself?” That mind which has the power to create guilt feelings and many diseases also has the power to heal, for it is completely controlled by the thinking process. Internal dialogue is an important practice which can help one remain aware of the reality within while he is doing his actions in the world. One should sit down every morning and talk to himself. This will help him learn more about himself, and knowing about himself, he will not become egotistical. All the ancient scriptures are actually dialogues. Christ talked with His apostles; Moses talked with the wise men; Krishna talked with Arjuna—these are all dialogues. We should also learn to go through a mental dialogue of our own. You should have a dialogue with yourself within your mind every day. A conscious process of inner dialogue like this can pacify one and wash off all bad feelings. This dialogue is one of the finest therapies there is and prepares one for meditational therapy. Meditational therapy, if used and properly understood, is the highest of all the therapies and teaches one how to be still on all levels. Then by allowing the unconscious mind to come forward, one can go beyond it, and that inner reality comes to the conscious field and expands. The process of purifying, cleansing and emptying the mind is absolutely essential for successful meditation. We must not seek too quickly and impatiently to achieve higher states and higher experiences before we have managed to empty the mind from disturbing thought and to calm it. In a monastery novices do not begin with meditation. First students are taught to purify their minds. Modern man is too impatient and wants to master the art of meditation immediately. Learn to have a dialogue between the observer and that which is being observed. Follow the imagination in this dialogue, analyze and observe the train of mental objects, and slowly control will be gained over these things. We rise above them, and they disappear from the domain of mind. "

Swami Rama

Allah speaks through His Prophet (RSA) and says:

"Man is my secret and I am his secret. The inner knowledge of the spititual essence (ilm al-batin) is a secret of My secrets. Only I put this intot eh eharts of my good servant, and none may know his state other then Me....and

I am as my servants knows Me. When he seeks Me and remembers Me, I am with him. If he seeks Me inwardly, I seek him with My Essence. I he remembers me and mentions me in good company, I remember and declare him as my good servant in better company."

In all that is said here, the only way to satisfy one's wish is meditation - that means of knowledge which the common man uses so seldom...Yet the Prophet of Allah said,

"A moment's reflection is worth more than a year of worship,

A moment's reflection is worth more than seventy years of worship,

A moment's reflection is worth more than a thousand years of worship."

Abd. al -Qadir al-jilani, (May Allah protect his secrets)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Leaving for KL tonight

One of my nieces is getting married this weekend in Sham Alam and this is one of those events that i dare not miss as she is my cousin Zakaria's daughter. Among my nephews and nieces Zakria's children has held a special place in my heart just like their father who has my utmost love and respect. Throughout my association with him I have nothing but respect and admiration for his way of life and this is one man who has never judged me for who I am or what i have turned out to be.

I am going there also to renew my children's American International Passport which expires someitme in July and so it is hitting two birds with one stone. I am taking the chances of driving at night in my little Kancil and trusting that she will deliver the three of us there safely. As always i enjoy night driving when I go on long distances as it is alot cooler and less traffic to deal with. I do not doubt that there are disadvantages in doing so but I am use to it...the rest I leave my trust in He Who Delivers. A Mercedes Kompressor may deliver me in comfort but my Kancil will deliver me in one piece InSha'Allah!

Well made it there and back, attendd the wedding and got the passports renewed and its Sunday today arrived Penang at fivethirty this morning. Made a wrong turn or two along the way back and had to retrack my way cursing and swearing, some things never change even with age and thank God my two children are getting used to it. But the Kancil performed wonderfully with not problem even could have chased given a challenge or two to the more agressive drivers had I been more reckless like I used to be in the good old devil may care days, nope these days i have two kids sleeping beside me and their safety comes first. So I took my time and was even made fun of cause i drove too slow, if they only knew.

The wedding was extavagant needless to say and to my cousin's credit for he is an organizer and plans thing down to the nitty gritty and he has his children to in tow to get things accomplished. It was na dhas always been a marvel to watch my cousin and the rest of his brood get things done if there is anything i could learn from this is that here is a man who has understood the teachings of the Prophet and put it to practice especially the part of Patience. The wedding was attended by many dignitaries as my cousin has quite a few friends who is in the Who is Who book of KL and mostly they have to do with the police and justice department. So I shook many hands yesterday the known and the not so well known, welcoming everyone, I was even welcoming the waiters as they walked in and out someone pointed out. It was a lesson to learn about people, those who genuinely shake your hand with enthusiasm and those who brush by like you dont exist, each lost in their realm of who they they are. There are even those who take offence the fact that I was there in long sleeve and tie, out of place for the 'sampin' totting Malays, unpatriotic of me. But at the end of the day I shook many hands as the Prophet (SAW) had encauraged for muslims to practice.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Cartharsis of The Demons Within...

Faith is a state of openness or trust. To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. And the attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging to belief, of holding on. In other words, a person who is fanatic in matters of religion, and clings to certain ideas about the nature of God and the universe, becomes a person who has no faith at all. Instead they are holding tight. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.
Alan Watts.

Today being friday was a very tumultuous day for me especially early in the morning when I decided to do Monoprints at the USM Pusat Seni Printmaking Studio. I have been having a mental block of late and there seem to be no way of getting out of this rut. Part of it is due to the fact that it is that time of the year when I have to deal with the Immigration Department getting my children's papers in order and the other is as always, economics.

As I got my materials together and about to start printing I realized what a dumb ass I have been lately listening to my inner voice moaning and groaning about the ongoings in my life and how angry i felt over this or that so much so that it was almost impossible to think straight anymore. I felt weak and helpless like i often do in times like these and wished I had a hole to crawl into and just bury myself for good. But this morning i decided to challenge all the demons within and without and express my feelings in my printmaking. What came out was ten angry faces that epitomized my soul screaming at the world and life itself. Most of all I declared total war on my 'self'', that whining, groaning and pissing voice of reason and concern that ever tries to justify every wrong and make things seem all simple and whoop-dee doo!! I grabbed this shithead by the neck and demanded that it stop all the whining and express itself as it actually felt. Let out the demons! Anger, Pain and Despair.

I ransacked my closset and scattered out all the ghosts that been hiding within demanding them to show themselves in their true forms through my fingers and onto the paper. Iwas alone in the studio and felt free to yell and shout at the non entites i was invoking while my fingers started to render the images you see in the previous blog. I challenged out loud to all the phantoms that has been tormenting my soul with their seeds of persuasions and manipulations, their scare tactics and diabolical schemes. I rattled all the chains and wrenched them loose from the floor boards in the effort to free my soul from the unseen bondage of this so called material life. I screamed bloody murder when what i was sketching on the plate did not really come from my aching heart and that sweet diabolical voice of the story teller had crept into my mind instead persuading me to lie with some goody two shooes kind of print that would please some piss ass buyer. I would yell to it to get the fuck out of my conciousness and let what is really lurking in there to show themselves once and for all.

I am tired of taking crap from this God forsaken existance I yelled and if there is any worthwhile crap to be had it will come out from me not some MF who happens to earn a salary or thinks that their wealth can buy my soul cheap or that their threats of prisonment or casteration can make me cow myself like a beaten dog! No! I have danced with the Devil and I have been through more than my share of hell to get where i am, I am happy if my life is ripped from me even as i am writing this piece of shit.

So let me tell those who think that I am a push over when it comes to being nice and pleasant, it is only my effort to hold in check what really lurks behind this empty face. It has been there eversince I learned how rotten a deal life is anf for man to take this crap and call it a blessing it is even worse a hypocracy beyond any. I scream in silence all my life taking what is dished out tome from all aspects of my sordid existance, my family my friends, my relatives, my teachers, even those whose lives i valued more than my own and for whose sake i had kept my demons in chains. But today, this Friday I was creating out of insanity in the Studio at USM, alone dealiong with my own demons past present and future. It is no doubt that i will never exorsize them all completely but I felt great to be able to do battle with my self.

Though I did not make it to the Mosque for the Friday Prayer for the first time i did not blame my Maker nor did i point my finger at Him. All I could do after i had exhuasted all my printing papers was to sit and felt relieved for being able to unload so much pain and anguish I have been carrying within me. I cried.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

My pilgrimage to the Thai Border.

Drove with my son Karim to Bukit Kayu Hitam, the Thai malaysian Border to get his passport stamped which will make him eligible to stay in the country for the next three months. I guesse it is yet another sign of ageing when driving with your son is no more a fun thing and hardly any intelligent conversataion took place between us. I tried hard to think of something interesting that i could raise as an issue but ended with telling him to dress for the occaision, to get hair cut, to be more aware and responsible. So I decided to shut up and did my meditational Zikhr and when that did not help to calm me down i started to humm to myself untill we reached out destination.

My son in his classic response slumped into the seat and pretended to fall asleep or lost to the world giving me the cold shoulders. Needless to say it was a very long drive and not in mileage alone. I wanted to scream at him that I was sick and tired of having to deal with this Immigration and passport issues, that I hate the very faces of these Immigration officers, arrogant and cold sons of bitches, but hey, it is not his fault, I fucked up. These officers are merely performing their duties jerking off their loads at every chance they get just to proof to themselves that they have the power.

This morning took aride across the bridge to the Immigration office in Butterworth to try and get my daughter's papers straightened out. As always it was a bloody waste of time and moneyand not to mention the loss of emotional psychological energy till like one is about to commit 60!!

One of the purpose of writing this blog was to attempt at studying what make s a terrorist and deviant an anti social a bloody murderer, i am am approaching that point in my life where the old demon of anger is about to take over whatever is left of self preservation and the fear of God. I am sick and tired of dealing with this crap my God! I aM SICK AND AND TIRED!!~ I am about to throw in the towel and say fuck it, it is not my shit anymore arrest me arrest my kids for overstaying and see what happens. Deportation is not a bad option for them as this will involve the American Consulate about time they take some interest in my children's affairs after what is the use of being an American if all that it is good for is to pay for the renewal of their passports.

Sometimes one gets so wrapped up in frusteration and tensions that it is almost impossible to be creative try as you may. So Idecided to let my feelings for the moment go and let out my scream of rage through my monoprints which I created this morning. I know i cannot yell at the immgration officers without getting myself into hot soup so i will my feelings be known through my art.

What have i got to loose personally? Jail sentence? for what? They will only be waking up another sleeping Demon who is in the midst of struggling for his soul already and at an age and time where nothing really matters much anymore. All these years being in this country i have refrained myself from acting irrationally against the system. I have abided by the rules and observed all decorums to the best of my ability and interest. I have strived to better myself and my relationship to society and i have tried to do the best in raising my children meeting their every needs the best i can. But my best is not good enough or so it seems and maybe the time has come to let out the demon to do the man's job.

The sword of wisdom it is said is doubled edged, it cuts both ways, it cuts through right and wrongs, good and bad, it is time to weild the old sword and take on the petty tyrants who has it in their heads that they rule right or wrong for better or for worse. To cut through these veils that has been shrouding my sight from my Lord, to shatter these chains that has bounded me to the ground and free my being to join my Lord.
I invoke Yamantaka! Haruka! and Mahakala! to do battle against this darkness of my life, to destroy this ignorance that has beseiged me from all sides clouding my mind with illusions. I invoke the angels Jibrail, Israfil and Mikail to stand by me and i call upon the Holy Prophet and all the Prophets of old to protect me from my own ignorance and weaknesses, my insatiable nafsu.
I prostrate myself before the Lord of Truth that He forgive me and grant me the resurrection of a Muslim. I came from and shall return to my Maker and none is greater than He the Lord of Power. He knows what is within me and He lay my course for me that i may not faulter too much from my destined path in returning to Him.