Sunday, May 03, 2009

The Last Pow Wow with Timo

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

It is 4am. and Timo is working on my next project painting a scene of a Golf Course in Atlanta, the thirteenth green they say, which was requested by Traverse, the guy who now owns my Fall mountain scene mural on his living room wall downstairs. Tomorrow he leaves for Switzerland after having stayed here for a week or so and hanging out with his dad and older brother who he never met before. We sat out on the the balcony the pasrt hour or so having a father and son talk which mostly amounted to my telling him my cock and bull stories of my past and my philosophy in life. After having exhausted myself from playing the all knowing wise old man, Lukman giving his son advice on life, Timo told me to read the poem above by Kipling cause he said thats for you, dad. He got it off the internet for me to read it and hey what can you say, kids these days, you will never figure out what they know or dont can you? A twenty three year old today is a far cry from a 23 year old of my years and I say this with a little pride for my son, indeed a chip of the old block!

Eleanor (El) left for New York in the middle of the night and The Naz left for Hong Kong around five this morning and it is almost noon and i just said my farewell to Timo who is on his way back to Switzerland, my kids are scattered all over the world again! It is said that if you cling on to what you love they will leave you but if you allow them the freedom to fly away from you they return. If life for me seem simple and cozy it is just an illusion and an optimistic one at that painted just so I could feel some sense of triumph, the fact that my present wife is vegetating and possibly dieing somewhere in an Illinois nursing home is vivid on my mind and the fact that the Malaysian Government is still treating my two children there like they are pariahs that dont belong after ten years of growing up in the country which I call home is still a thorn in my side and that has always been all these while that no man can share the pain except me. These are perhaps Allah's final cut for me in this life despite all the good graces i have received I am still carrying this Albatroses tied around my neck lest i forget of whaT CAN OR CANNOT GO WRONG! (capitals accidentally typed in!).

Alhamdullilah! Thank you Lord for thy infinite compassion is laying these obstacles along the path to test my patience and endurance and still not doubt Thy infinite Mercy. The more i find blocks and obstructions in my path the more I appreciate the beauty in my believe in the Infitnite Creator, sounds downright corny? You will have to walk in my shoes for i am the man who used to point my middle finger up at the sky when I was young, ever so pissed off at the world and looking for someone or something to lay the blames on,(as accused ealier by an anonimous Malay in my blog who also called me a Malay without identity). It took a long time and alot of eye openers to awaken me from my dellusions and most of it I cannot even write about for shame or redicule, but now as I am about to turn sixty my awareness is gradually emerging from the dark paths that I had treaded and the dim light is beginning to enlighten my experiences.

My children from three different mothers have been a source of beaken for me as I worry of their life and what lies in store for them into the future. The last few weeks living with my eldest has been yet another whack upon my conciousness as to how buried i have become into the kingdom of doom and gloom that i forgot what it is to have simple fun, what it is to be angry and to cry it out, to feel weak and helpless and yet to respected and loved without conditions. I love all my children and Insha'Allah if one or two more pops up in the email to tell me hey Dad, remember when you were here and there and you metup with so and so? Well Hellooo, I am your daughter!, No, I dont want anything from you just to get to know my father. And I would say Alright! Welcome to the Bahari Clan!

No comments: