Saturday, September 27, 2008

Three More days!

This morning I decided to go to the mosque and perform the Subuh (morning Prayer) after an all night-der. I stayed up all night doing sketches from some works done by Chinese Artists in life and figure drawings..its good practice when you run out of ideas, it helps to keep the fingers and eyes aligned and the mind focussed and especially when you have slept all day and having difficulty sleeping at night. I have been enjoying the Morning prayers at the mosque for the last few days and there is no doubt that I feel the calming and centering effect while i sat there in the mosque doing the Zikr or doing the Solat itself. My mind is less and less scattered and I am beginning to 'feel' more so when I am standing there before my Maker. The smaller number of people in the congregation helps as i am often prone to distractions especially in the form of passing judgements over some stranger who happen to give me a look or wear soemthing not in tune with or prosterate too long for it to be correct... blah, blah.
Pathetic for one who does meditation all thes years in order to develope a sense of centeredness or a focussed mind! But... hey I am still a novice, I am learning, I make mistakes and who cares and who knows? The fact that i am writing all these experiences that live through as incomplete as it is is a testimony to the fact that I am still experimenting with life and in A YEAR i WILL BE SIXTY!! Funny how the capitals popped up by my missing or hitting the caps button unintentionally! Yep almost sixty and i still walk around like a moron who thinks the whole world is watching every step, every breath and every mistake i make and gives a hoot! But that's okay too, I mean who in their right mind would take the trouble to read what I am writing and if they do hey more power for them as i always say there might be a thing or two that might shed a light into their own mess and who knows it might even help to untangle a few knots here there for them.

The twenty seventh day of Ramadan, it is one of those most aupicious days, the Day of days by Islamic standard where Allah has chosen as one of the Holiest, the day when the Holy Koran cameto mankind through His Prophet. I will not get too deeply into the significance of this day and night but by Muslim standard it like winning the spiritual lottery if one is lucky enough to be spiritually active performing any acts that keeps one in touch with the AlMighty. It is said that this special night could fall on any of the odd days and especially in the last ten days of the fasting month. I believe that there is such a night, a night when the Devine Cociousness opens itself to allow for the complete engulfment of all creation in a symbolic all in One, One in all gesture where there is total Oneness in being. Vincent Van Gogh might have expereinced it in his Stary Nights painting, Gautama the Buddha might have attained his enlightenment on this night some two thousand six hundren years ago when he awoke from his hunger fast and meditation to witness the morning star. It a night of Devine Intervention, a night when the doors of heaven opens and the angels themselves are allowed to visit the worlds and mingle among the Believers or those whose minds were in tune to or in alignment with the rest of the Universe. Why not! man deserves such blessings only if he realizes it and not when he slumbers away in his ignorance for only an awaken mind can be touched by an awakened stay awake! Spiritually Awake! For what is a man wihtout his spirit and what is the spirit without the soul?
Ah... what can i say i am also half asleep half the time not knowing which way or which direction I am headed how far or how near i am to my Maker... and why the obsession with wanting to be so close to the Maker? All these questions all these doubts and lack of faith, why cant I hust live life like a Zen master and act as though life is like a swinging door, it swings in when you breath in and out when you breath out and that's all there is to it off course if you stop breathing you are dead, like eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are sleepy and sit and watch the grass grow...make life simple or simplify life. Why the five time a day prayers that cannot be missed or the fasting for the whole month but eating like hell in between and why the guilt trip when not fullfilling any of these? Questions! Do you care?
The cause of suffering is desire! The need to have, the cravings the wanting more and better, these leads on to suffering , so said the Buddha and this morning the Imam at the mosque in his lecture said Fasting is the way to curb your desires! Fasting is the only way to bring your Nafs or desire nature under control for desire is one of the most difficult of human nature to bring to submission. Only by subjecting the body to hunger and the mind to sexual disciplin can one come to ride the wild human nature called Desire. Part of the purpose of fasting body and mind is to subject one's sense of desire to an awakening experience, a wake up call to the senses so that none gats way out of hand by outdoing itself like stare too much at women's tits or smeeling too much gum fumes osniffing too much coke or drinking excessively of the good stuff that makes the head spin in ten differnet directions or voice out oppinions without recourse. these are afew of the habit that is brought to check when one is fasting... ain't that a clever way to do it? A smoker like me saves some money and maybe adds a few more days to my life by fasting... what more can i ask? Ones who plays with himself too much has to clean up before the break of dawn, take full ablution in order to fast, what a drag!
For a whole month Allah makes it mandatory for theMuslims to fast but not all does it offcourse and most who does do it lets a few drops of water slips through the throat whenever he or she decides to take a shower or even an ablution for prayer...then there are those who writes their rules accordingly to suit their taste for the fasting month, but Allah is All Knowing and All Forgiving, so ther you have it! You don't really have to fast! Be smart, hide behind closed doors and eat all you want or smoke all you can and drink and be marry, so long as you keep out of your neighbor's view who cares! Why torture yourselves! At the end of the day when the month of ramadan has come to an end you can always look back and say yes! I did it my way! Life goes on and what a beutiful day it is with no fuss or worrying over eating and drinking or fornicating at anytime of the day!
Yes The Month of months, during which the Holy Koran was delivered unto the Prophet (SAW) through the Archangel Gabriel on this Night of nights, this is the month when every Beleiver does his mental, body and spiritual house cleaning, re- accessing, re-juvenating and re=energising every aspect of our human nature such that we remain human in nature and less of a beast that ever threatens to rob us of our spirituality and cast us into the abomnation of being an Asshole.(the one whose Ass has been cast into the hole).

Monday, September 22, 2008

Death Stalks Islamabad,Pakistan

Hooray!! another Hotel bites the dust, another symbol of exploitation and repression has taken a kick in the butt and terrorism lives on! About the sixty or so of those innocent victims..oh, Heck there's got tobe some collateral damages otherwise what the hell good is a bomb attack if only a few rats and roaches suffered as casualties.
Hooray and Tree Cheers for AlQaeda, did they really pulled it off?? Is this another one of the Muslim Brothers' strike at the injustices of those who are in power and anti-Islam, whose ideas does not conform to... What!! Did they really do it?? Oh well we will have to wait and see after the dust had settled down some form of claims or evidence will pop up from somewhere, somewone will not be able to stand the itch to claim victory over...What!!
The sower of miseries, the anti-Christ, the Beast in the Sheepskin among the sons of Adam... he or it is sitting somewhere laughing away at the incredible carnage that man has been able to wrought against his fellow man without remorse all in the name of...What!!
The Good Lord has given us the brain, the mind,something that no other creature of His has been endowed with that is capable to feel Love and Compassion, Guilt and Concience and He created man as the Vicegerent among His creatures, the Caliph to oversee His creation and how proud and arrogant man has become to what purpose!!
Man is without doubt fullfilling his own destiny in the theosophical sense if not in the physical, he has become a victim of his own self dellusion, self agrandizement and self serving egotistcal nature, that which satan refused to bow to when the Good Lord created the first man. The angels were made to humble before man but only a few refused why?? These few knew that only man will crap himself on the very plate that he eats from. Only man is capable of claiming victory over the burial mounds of his fellow man all in the name of his tribe, his belief, his ideology, his Creator, his God and to what length or distance he would be willing to go to in order that these systems or religious beleiefs are justified.
Man has thrown caution to the winds, taken upon himself to play God and the words mercy and compassion has become a rarity or obsolete. Love is the ability to get laid and Truth is relative as to who stands to benifit what. It is difficult to tell the difference anymore between a politician and priest or who to trust for that matter for they have both become merchants; they sell their souls to the highest bidder.
So what's my point!!
Live and let Live!
Man has arrived at thea pinnacle of his mental achievements as nowwhere in time has his mind been so creative and productive he has build the tallest Tower of Babel in his own History: the Computer. Man has taken a gigantic step towards becoming a Universal Collective Conciousness that can only be short of devine in nature if and when harnessed and put together as one. With this tool in hand with this small realization man has forgotten himself, his mission and his purpose, he has the desire to become AlMighty. Man is close to become the Creator forgetting his own creation his humble origin of that of a piece of clay and a clod of blood, of just an egg and a sperm. Man has assumed that he can take and give life at will and that there will be no repurcussions while he is still alive. Someday he might even overcome old age and death and set about colonizing the rest of the Universe spreading his illnesses like his ancesstors did all in the name of freedom and justices all in the name of his God!

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Brother 'Jaya' is Gone

When we arrived at the Intensive care Unit of the Penang Genaral Hospital, my nephews and i were told that my brother, their father had passed about ten minutes ago. I was not moved with sadness for him but I was more relieved by the news. My second eldest brother like his younger brother Gina had no desire to prolong their lives on this plane of existance and they had let me know this not in so many ways and I feel the same in this matter sometimes wishing that it is me that is laying there all covered up, gone! I love my brother and like my late brother Gina they both went through life with a lot less to brag about and l being in my position as it is was in no way of much help to them while they were alive. Of the four brothers I had two are gone now and both grew up in Penang just like me and only later were sent to live with my parents and the rest of our siblings in Terengganu. All three of us are the failures as compared to the two who made it in life despite all the adversities that our family faced. There's none to blame as my eldest brother would remind me every so often but, ourselves. Yes we made the choices and we bear the consequences. Gina chose to be a school dropout, drug pusher, and later a gangster, while Jaya never even attended school and lived away from home and family most of his life growing up in Penang, look where they got!! And me well... my story aint over yet and if there is any happy ending for me it would be higly unlikely that it would be hailed as a triumph of the spirit.

Oh well maybe there is a silver lining in all these who knows I could still end up publishing my book or my son the High Flyer might in all likelihood find it in his heart to help his half brother and sister out in solving their residency issue and who knows what the Good Lord has in store yet. Anyhow Jaya is gone leaving behind him his children and grandchildren whose future from the way things are would seem bleak as his was. Why we keep bringing children into this world knowing how bad it is is beyond me, it is like bringing along more cattle for the packing houses. As a Muslim I am made to believe that this life I am leading is only a prelude to th after life, hence i should not cling to it too seriously. Clinging or not I know for myself that it is a cosmic joke that i am here and someone somewhere is laughing it off and worse yet after all said and done i am going to have to answer for all my deeds here right or wrong. The two angels on my left and right are ever watchful and recording every word i am typing and reading my thoughts most probably while i am thinking...such is freedom! Oh yes, the Ulamas will be raising their eyebrows if i keep writing in this line of thoughts as it is approaching blaspheme and Islam is a very intolerant religion when it come the Shirik and the Munafik (Hypocrates). Oh well, I write about myself of myself and for myself in order that i may come to understand who I am or where i stand in the events of Creation itself. I have a tough time swallowing whole the Islam that is being practiced by my fellow Muslims today and it is in no way the fault of the religion itself but that of the so called interpreters and devotees of the religion. There are too much hypocracies among my fellow so called Muslim Brothers and sisters that it stinks. Money talks and bullshit walks is the religious practice of the day, it is who you know that makes you a better Muslim and not what you know. The mosque is half filled and getting lesser by the day not bacause the people have forgotten their religion but because they have a difficult time from recognising what is real and what is a sham. Politicians parades as religious teachers and Ulamaks disguised as politicians. The Mosque or BaitulMal is rich while the masses is in need. Lets invest the Fittrah collect from the masse and that way we can generate more money for the Religious department coffer, and when we give just make sure that 'our people' are the benificiaries, our relatives and friends, after all it is said that charity begins closer to home! This is Islam under the 'Magic Carpet' where if religion is a thing that money could buy than the rich would live and the poor would die, My brother died in poverty and worse yet a very broken hearted man defeated in every respect, his self esteem robbed by his wife who brought in the man she remarried to live under the same roof with him and his children and grandchildren, his health from so much physical pain that and most of all his heart broken by the fact that his own brothers and sisters paid no mind much less help to ease his burden while he was alive.
And whose fault was it??
I may not be able to tie my turban like the Arabs do or read the Koran in its original text but this much I can say, if the Holy prophet were alive today he too would not want to hang around too long and watch his Ummah go down the tubes. Allah forgive me for my doubts, not in Him but in His so called devotees, not in the mountains and the rivers but in my fellow human beings especially those that dare declare themselves Muslims!The Rasul of Allah is said to have said that of all mankind only about 70,000 are true Believers in Islam and the rest are well, the rest... 70.000 out of billions and billions!!! In one season at the Haj in Mekah alone there is often not less than two million of Allah's faihtfuls! maybe the prophet did not really said it in all seriousness, maybe He was being skeptical of the people of his time.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fasting Onnn...

The tenth day of the fasting month and I am dragging my butt along trying to keep up with the full practice giving myself all kinds of excuses why to or why not. My lower back pain has practically stopped me from doing the Taraweh prayers, a convenient excuse perhaps but I wish my guilt tripping would seize from managing my life whehther spiritually of materially. I sometimes feel like I am forcing to perform not so much for my belief's sake but for the friends and relative's sake, for what would the neighbors say's sake. However I cannot deny that deep down I have a weak disposition and it is most evident when it comes to putting my self to the spiritual disciplin.
I am regressing again and may Allah forgive me for being such a weakling, I fast but my fasting is incomplete or might even be worthless as I fail to perform all the other obligations that is compulsory for a Muslim to perform like the five times a day prayers. Everytime I hear the call for prayer from the mosques over the loudspeakers my heart feels sad it is as though I am forfeiting my chances of winning a lottery for no good reason other than sheer laziness or lack of faith. I am greatful for all that Allah has bestowed upon me and there is no greater love for me this day than the love of the AlMighty Creator and if I am to die in His service I gladly will but this sounds as flakey even for me.

For the love of the Al-Mighty I could not perform my prayers even if I wanted to as my mind will not allow for its total surrender or submission. The will always be an intrusion into my Solat(prayer) by thoughts out of nowwhere just as though what I would be doing was just pure physical actions with no spiritual substance whatsoever in them. I like to pray, I even enjoy praying sometimes when I can full concentrate upon my act of worship, however, I fail most of the time to feel the connection between my heart and my soul.I do my worshipping while sitting in meditation and would attain much more genuine feeling of the act than I would performing the mandatory solat. Sitting meditation or Tafakur as in Islam is one form of offering one's prayer or getting close to Allah but it is not a substitution for the daily solat. So here's the catch for me damn if I do and damn if I dont.I often feel like I am existinfg in a floating world of dellusion an empty husk floating aimlessly along the firface of life for no rhyme or reason. My prescence on this planet is just a long bloody waste of time with alot of garbage to show for and nothing more.

I now realize that it is not money or the lack of it that is tha cause of my often times what i can only call manic- depression for even as I am financially stable at the moment my heart is sick with depair. It is an incomplete feeling like something is missing from its very core. I am envious of those who seemingly makes it look so simple in performing their obligations towards their religious practice as Muslims and am even beginning to see the correlation between material and spiritual wealth in some like my cousins and brothers but it all seems still emphimeral like there is something that I quite fail to grasp, the Truth eludes me.

Perhaps i seriously need to find a spiritual companion to fill the empty space left by my wife. I am a very sexually oriented soul by nature and have been living an almost celibate life for as long as my daughter has been born. She is now almost seventeen and that is practically how many years i have really been without a real soul mate for my wife was just my wife a mother to my children, a fully committed career person whose interest in sexual intimacy was practically nil. Far from it I do not blame her for my shortcomings and yes she was a aprt of it like it or not but suffice to say I have been living a hollow unwholesome life with my better half missing, a Yang without its Yin.

Find a wife they say, you cannot live a solitary life even if you have your children to keep you company. Yeah! Right! its like i can step out one day and find a compatible woman ask her to marry me while having to tell her that i have two kids who are foreign citizens and my income comes from and ureliable source of being an artist, like sometimes you have and most of the times you are scrounging to make ends meet.Oh by the way I am also subjected to fits of temper as pointed out by my relatives and in laws most of whom would not be having any good words to speak of me. I have practically nothing to offer in terms of property, not eeven an insurance policy if and when I die to leave behind and no pension to boot. So who in heaven's name would consider having me for a partner to spend in sick and health for the rest of my days? Perhaps I have squandered my life in persuit of the grand illusion, the life of an artist, seeker traveller whatever, but I sure as hell have failed as a father, husband and most ashamedly as a spiritual man. I still cannot pray five times a day!!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Dhubai or Die 2

From the pictures sent via 'Snapfish' by my son of his orientation program at the Emerates Airline training facility I gather that the 'mixed up kid' is now quite officially one of the crew members of the Airlines now. Yeah... I am proud of the fact that my son has achieved his dream allthough he did fell short of what he had actually aimed for when he was in college. He wanted to be an Aerospace engineer when he initially set out to conquer the outerspace but hell the kid could not keep his head straight for awhile there what with all the girls getting in his hair in those days.
His mom deserves all the credit for she was a teacher and she taught him better than anyone could have on how to be an achiever in life for if it had been up to me he would be working in the packing house somewhere in GreenBay, Wisconsin. It broke my heart when she took him to Germany after our devorce while my son was five or six but I knew she did the right thing and accepted the fact, it was a blessing for all of us and thank you Lord for Your Grace in making it right all these years. I learned that loving someone does not have to mean that you own them but more so that you are willing to let them go. As it was i was in no position at all to carry the responsibilty of a father as my head was unscrewed during those years and saveral nuts and bolts were left loose. I was a very angry young man when i first started off in the United States, a scared and angry young man who did not know any better and got sucked into the Meat Packing House life of the Mid West where beer drinking was a norm, womanizing followed and dope smoking was waiting around the block.

I met Nazri's mother in Kuala Terengganu, onthe East Coast when she was on vacation from Mara Institute of Technology in Shah Alam where she was a foreign student from The University of Stevens Point, in Wisconsin sometime in 1973. One thing lead to another and soon we found ourselves a proud parent to this eager beaver who decided to join us in holy metrimony before we were really ready for it. But we got married in Sungai Pinang, Penang in what was considered by my peers who were then mostly the Hindu boys then as a cowboy or shotgun Muslim wedding. I was the proudest father to be on this side of the of the Sungai Pinang at that time. I could not believe it for a long long time untill I got a phone call one morning from the Asunta Hospital in Kuala Lumpur letting me jnow that I should be a proud man for my wife has delivered a baby boy tha morning. I was in Penang some three hundred miles away working at Hagemeyer Trading Company as a sales assistant. Apparently Naz's mom had driven herself (with him) to the hospital from the college where she was teaching in our clunker Beetle VW and got helself admitted and just had the boy!

When I got the call I was stund as we were not expecting him not for a month or two at least, but no!, no waiting for that kid. Fortunately being who she was Nazri's mother got everything that was needed for the baby and had them all packed away in a large suitcase all set and ready for the big day! I took the day off and headed for KL that afternoon but only made it to Ipoh and from Ipoh onwards I was stuck by the roadside with a large suitcase full of baby things standing at dusk in a drizzling rain and the whole area was lit up by the yellowish street light above my head. How can one forget such an event in one's life, when warm tears flowed freely and fear and despair almost brought one to the knees begging for help. It was the day of The Dead, Chinese all over the country visited their dearly departed and so there was hardly any public transportation available, the Planes were fully booked the train was fully booked, buses were fully booked the taxis, i manged to catch one only up to Ipoh and that was that.
As i stood there in semi darkness underneath a three to avoid getting soaked a Datsun came up and stopped in front of me. The driver asked me where i was headed and without much ado told me to throw the bag in the back seat and off we went. He told me he had one small condition if I were to ride with him to KL and that was i had to put up with the cassette record of the Hindu Puja (Hymms) to Lord Ganesha which he had always played while travelling long distances. He went on to talk to me about life and being able to cope with it in the darkest of times and the lightest untill we reached Asunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur.
I walked into my wife's recovery room at 10 pm. that night and she was still up and the moment our eyes made contact tears tarted popping out of her bluest of eyes, how can one forget such moments in life? Being way past the visiting hours I was allowed to see my son through the glass window from a distance, however a nurse came along and out of her kind heart led me into the room to hold my son in my arms and whisper into his ears the Azan which is the right of every Muslim father to perform as soon as a child is born. This was like Christening the baby, a solemn transmission between father and son of Faith,(Iman). So is my son a Muslim, as a father I say by birth yeas and so was his mother by conversion, however ib practice it is entirely up to their choices and what life has in store for them as "Man proposes, God Disposes".

Watchout Guys! There's a New Kid in Town!

There's my sone peeking from the corner of the picture with his collegues maybe fellow Pilots for the Emerates Airlines. Looks a bit like me even but off course he could never out do the old man when it comes to good looks.

His brains is a whole different matter must take after his Mom in that category.

Pilot training station at the Emerate Air? I am still having problem getting the right pictures downloaded, will get better ones in the future as soon as i larn the trick.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Fasting Begins

The month of Ramadan began yesterday and I managed to get through it barely loosing my tops with my kids. How small irritations can become major explosions when your bewlly is growling and your head is in a migraine mode. I even made it to the mosque at night for the Taraweh prayers, a special prayers performed during the month of Ramadan. Being the laid back ladaisical kind of Muslim not worth the beard growing on my face, I must admit that performing the prayers in the mosque has had its calming effects on my mind. I had made my silent vows towards fulfilling my fasting throughout this month to the best of my ability and I had asked my Creator to assist me in this performance as i am even at my age today still as flacky and fickle when it come making commitments as i had ever been especially when it comes to religious ones. If all goes as promised and Allah keeps His promises, I am bound for the deep end as i am sure that by all counts i have one hell of a long list to catch up to in repaying my debts and promisses, in recocilliating and forgiving and in cleaning up my garbage filled mind. My closet is filled with skeletons and my soul is haunted by past mistakes and reckless living and my heart is a roost for ancient and twisted karmas born through greed, hate and dellusions.

But if promises are keptand Allah keeps His promisses, this month of Ramadan is yet another chance for one like yours truly who had" squandered all his resistance for a pocket full of marbles, such are promisses," to do a little more of his souls searching and heart cleansing practice. The fasting month has always been a great spiritual struggle for me not because i cannot stand hunger and pain but because of my faith towards my Maker. During these days when i am fasting, if i fast, my mind is being put to the toughest challenge of the finer acts of resistance of desires especially sexual desires. Food is not hard to resist but the mental forms of fornication can be a torture and if one is like me where the mind is constantly incriminating against itself at every distraction. The senses are heightened when you are fasting and the need to maintian a sense of detachment from all forms of sexual becomes a monumental effort without giving in and thus forfeiting one's fast for the day.

Why do I torture myself such? This is what i have asked myelf time and again whenever I am confronted with religous issues versee fulfilling my desires which comes as naturally as my lack of understanding and faith does. Waht do I hope to gain if all is being predestined for me or what or who am I trying to prove in undertaking any form of self discipline or mind purification practices? I look around me and all I see is the same old tricks played in different forms and manifestations and all in the effort to promote the AlMighty 'self'. Wear the beard and dorn the skull cap and you are a Haj and people look to you with respect and garner for your oppinions. Pray five tiems a day and you become aloof from the rest of humanity because you are closer to God and you are given the answers or worse yet you have become the chosen ones! Visit the Holy Land three times in your lifetime because you can afford it and the hell with your brothers and sisters whose children are on the verge of becoming thieves. And I want to become one of you??

As long as I have been going to the Mosque for the Friday prayers I had never felt the holyness or he wholesome feeling of being in the presecence of the Maker and at times far from it i had often left the house of my Lord more dismayed if not downright pissed. Why?? I had seen and witnessed more friendly and heartwarming looks in the market places and on the streets than I had ever in the prayer house of God, more than not I would gat a disdain stare like 'what the fauck are you doing here.? If you ask me why I am ambivalent about my religious commitment as a Muslim all I can say is that i am not a religious being no, I am a Spiritual Being. I seek to align my spirit with that of my creator and eventually merge into His Being. This muc i had come to understand and that is , I am not an atheist, I am a believer if not a True Believer. If there is anything i fear about life and death is the fact that i nver tried to understand my belief in that which is my Creator. I am afraid that my life had been a total waste at the end of my days and where i head on from then on would be nothing more than repurcussions of my lack of understanding of this phenomenon I call life and living, death and dying.

When the call to prayer was louded over the speakers from four or five different voices of the Bilals from in and around the area, I was twisitng like a demon burning from self torment. my mind struggles with all kinds of reasoning on why I cannot pray why these prayers are not for me and inadvertantly for my children as well. This has been going on for as long as I had lived and within the hearing distance of the mosques. I look at my neighbors' children as they are all dressed up with their white trubans and goaties well trimmed their white Pakistani Kurta and clean sarongs getting ready to leave in answer to the call. I reflected upon myself and my children and I had no answers but just a feeling of emptiness, guilt ridden sense of emptiness. QWhy?? As I look at these individuals at their performances i also realized that these are the hypocrates whose personality I care not for in their daily lives. I have come to know them and through my observations of their ways I cannot say that they have my utmost respect for their display of piety. But who am I to judge? my trip in this life is strictly self discovery, on knowing or coming to know who I am and not compare or critisize others for who or what they are.

This fasting month is for me yet another milestone of my getting to know my LOrd and how i fare through this whole month of Ramadan is yet to be seen and as always i will wrtie it all down for my better understanding of the whys and why nots. Allah, I 'oft forgiving and Most Merciful' and in this i had always held to be the ultimate Truth. If i fail in all else towards becoming a True Beleiver in this I rest my mind my heart and my soul, that He forgives even the worse of the worse if and when He decides it so. In the meantime my journey in life will go on untill the end of days for me.