Your feelings about how things are manifesting is of more value than just knowing whether it is about something great or something negative that is about to take place in the near future. It is like climbing a mountain and feeling like you are almost there but no quite yet and the going is often the hardest at this juncture and the urge to give up is a breath away. Then you feel the change, the ground at your feet seemed alot more friendlier and easier to thread and the qweight on pulling you down from your shoulders seems to lift off and you feel light. Your sense of defeat and loss slowly but surely seems to evaporate from your mind leaving behind a sense of ' lightness of Being' where nothing seems to matter anymore but the sense of arriving at your destination your hidden goal, that elusive dream, that peace of mind.
This morning after standing and cutting carrots and onions and potatoes for my cousin's catering business I felt like my back was about to finaly give in and collapse. I told a lady friend who was in charge of cleaning the chicken about it and she said that the angel of death is making curtersy calls at my door according to Mthe Malays' believe. That means i am about to kick the bucket i asked her, yep, she answered smiling. Great! I told hwer i am going home and make me a large welcome sign for the angel. I am more than ready to leave this scene as it is becoming too mundane and somewhat painfully boring. My body is getting tired of this wandering and my mind is saturated with justifications that does not convince anymore of my existance. She asked me if i am prepared to take that step beyond into the next phase, the after life. I told her more than so, I may not be a candidate for heaven without fist paying my dues for the faults I have had in this life but i am more than willing to give up whatever it is that is left for me to discover of who or what i am in the first place or what is my reason for being born.
I meant every word i said this morning and if by chance my wish were to come true so be it. My children are grown up now even if they are still under my care but they will survive and find their own ways in continuing on without me and my wife is beyond care as she is now in her own world of catatonic existance. Life for me is making less and lesser sense as the world around me is slowly crumbling through my own ignorance and dellusions, I hate going on making tha same old errors and learning little from it. Whats the meaning of life if one is no more relevant and everyday seems to drag one deeper into the quagmire of irrelevancies.
What a man needs in these times of self doubt and defeatism is a good wake up call, not a negative but a positive shot of the smallest hope of seeing some form of meaning to one's existance. I have lived life to the fullest of my ability often giving myself a sense of justification for everything that i encounter or attempt at. I have traveled and i have lived in many parts of the world and i have had some great moments in time where life had its elightenment, I am more than greatful for these moments when there was a crack in the darkness spilling light into my conciousness but i am far from contented as I strongly believe that a man's span of time on this planet is worth much more than merely experiencing momentary cracks of lightening in the dead of night. The Gopd given human mind is a far greater instrument than anything ever created or will ever be created and it is a bloody shame to not be able to utilize this gift to the fullest of its potential before the body's wear and tear give way. Even if i live to be a hundred, what good does it do me if I am merely existing, sucking in air and letting out air, consuming and ingesting whatever that is that would keep me alive just for the sake of staying alive.
The Prophet of Islam was said to abhor the consept of Should, Would, aught to, and so forth, and He was right for there is no looking back without making oneself hesitant or doubtfull and nothing is more destructive than self doubt. Now i am writing this while at the USM Gallery Muzeum and its lunch break and the staff has just had their lunch and some are now noisily bashing each other at the game of carom in the back room. On the other side of the wall voices of children floats all over the Museum halls and I am qwritng this piece of nonsense that is pouring out from my heart. My back is still aching and so is my heart whenever i think of my son the pilot's lack of response to my email or my second son's total lack of desire for his schooling. My heart aches when i think of how i am to solve my two children's citizenship status in this country that has been pending for the last eight years since i first applied for their change of citizenship. Who would take care of these things for them if I were to die soon? For me death is a welcome but for them it would mena unresolved issues that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. What am I to do about my wife? Will I ever see her again at all before I go or she goes?
As a believer I am no more afraid of death or dying more so than I am of life itself. It is easy to die and poof! gone, but hell, living takes one hell of an effort if life itself is ever going to be meaningful or worth livng. I will return to my Maker, the Lord of Creation in one form or another this i feel it is a matter of time and place but before my time is up rest assured i will continue on with this blog among other things, just one of my justifications among my other justifications.
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