Thursday, January 18, 2007

How to get through this downer?

Went to the University Sains Muzeum gallery and got to talk a little to the Director Encik Hasnul who informed me that I could have a show sometime in July together with another artist a two man show. Whatever happened to the the show in March or the show in KL with the Pelita Gallery? All seems to be like entizers to keep me in good form as far as creating artworks is concerned. Have I become overly dependant on others for my success as an artist, expecting and hoping for handouts in the form of promises that are as hollow as the feelings I am having inside of me.
I am running on an empty tank and my wallet is as dry as it has ever been so where do I look for an instant financial salvation so that my kids can have their pocket money to go to school. Beg, borrow or steal the 3 options left as working for it is not meeting my needs by a long shot. But whats the use of moaning and groaning over what is happening in my life right now it could all be traced back to my own fault one way or another. I have exhausted all my hopes and aspirations, my talents and zest for life, what else is there to fall back on except the Mercy of the Infinite. Allah have mercy on my soul for I am loosing my faith again and I feel like my life is all but a waste of time on this planet.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

How Much Longer

I have stayed away from writing for the past few months simply because I had very little to talk about that is worth talking about in my life otherthan the feeling of slowly being defeated, brought to my knees by the pressures of life itself. I am now writing for lack of anything else to do but to ponder where it all have been and where it will all come to an end. Needless to say I am at to lower end of the downward swing of the pedulum of my life. Psychologically, spiritually and worse of all financially I have come to a dead end and it seems like there is no end in sight to this loosing streak. Hence my silence, rather than share more of my miserable failures with the world i would rathe sit tight and let nature takes its course while i am waiting for the next wave to come along and lift me up. However in the meantime i still continue on doing what i have to do like making sure that i get to work and the kids gets their education.
The year 06 came and went and it had been an eventful year relatively speaking for me as i have managed to established myself in the Art scene in Penang by having a Solo Exhibition at the USM-AMRO Gallery and manged to keep being employed at the Jerejak Resort and SPA. I have a car which I am now struggling to keep the payment of but helps to get my kids to and from school every once in a while. But all in all I feel like a broken man slowly and gradually lowered to my knees in submission to the pressures that are piling down upon my head. This I hope is not the 'summit of the Mystic Mountain', the end of my life long quest.