Friday, June 30, 2006

I met Mr.Prakash Chandwadkar the Indian Artist who resides in Kathmandu while he was about to leave Penang on the same day in the evening flight to Singapore. My friend a reknowned portrait painter in Penang Artist Rashid had introduced the gentleman to me while we visited him at his hotel in the morning. Wwe had a good long converstaion about his works which he showed us in his hotel room all fifty pieces of them the colored bust of the Gautama Buddha spread across his bed. These colorful pieces were done in acrylic and the bust is painted meticulously accurate depicting all the various moods of the meditative Budda. The execution of the medium was excellent as it captures the feeling of the Buddha's bust was surreaslistically alive yet is of stone of one kind or another, its fluidity is in its essence.
Mr. Prakash was just another victim of bureaucracy in the form of the unforgiving laws of the Immigration department which refused him entry visas, he has to leave and make the application from some third country if not his own.
My son had just recovered from some kind of flu and is now waliking to school every morning as he lost his bicycle at the Prangin Mall. He did not do well at all at school I found out after i was handed his report card, he failed the semester! I was not too happy with him and let him know that. He is not stupid but Lazy and unfocused I hope he wakes up soon enough from his sleep to handle the end of the year exam. As for my daughter, she seems doing okey as far handling her school and daily live. She has her act a little better together and perhaps is able to see her advantages better than her brother for being born an American and growing up in Maklaysia.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Asta LaVista...

Sunday, got up early and almost ready to leave for work but had to change plans as there was a death in the family or rather in the neighborhood. On opening my door I discovered my cousin sister down on the street infront of the house informing the neighbors of the passing awy of one of my cousins' mother- in-law. So I decided this was a good enough reason to call the work place and tell em not to expect me. I was one o those on site when the deceased body was brought home from the hospital where she passed on. I had to help carry the body into the house and felt a muscle pulled as I lifted the stretcher from the back of the Van.
As I was sitting around waiting forn things to pick up my handphone rang and my Resort Manager was on line wondering if the Ferry had left. I told him that I was not at the Jetty and that was it. The trip to the cemetary was a little after noon and as I sat there among the gravestones I could help but reflect upon the fact that one day soon i would end up as food for worms right here in this very crowded 'Wakaf Land". My whole life flashed before me and the fact that at present my life is not looking too promising as the stakes are mounting and the income is not meeting the demands. As the old imam was performing the last rites beside the grave surrounded by close friends and families, I reflected upon the fact if it matters when you are dead you are dead! Game over, end of story, end of blog delete blog from the face of the net! Via Con Dios and who gives...a dash?
I have been through life or atleast whats left of it taking chances and treading paths less travled, shoot my bullets wildly and hitting less target than a blind man would and eventually here i am sitting among the dead contemplating ending it all in some safe way that will not hurt too much or too many any if and when I am gone from this scene, what difference does it make to any one other than the two teenagers I am doing a lousy job at raising? I am simply tired of making up stories and excuses and hell pray as I will dya and night it seems more like a mockery to religion. I am in despair and at the nadir of my life, oh sure I keep tellin myself that it could be worse, like comfort myself with not being in Iraq or Jogjakarta and so on, it works at some point but after awhile living a life of sham and dehumanizing circumstances no matter what you do or try shit just keeps kicking in like there is no end to it..It sucks!

I always thought that I might end up my story with a they lived happlily ever after but it don't look like I am going to make it tally. I am going to end up just another looser on one long loosing trip to nowhere. Does it need to end this way? At present I'd rather be somewhere in Iraq dieing for a cause rather than facing the shit being disherd out at me by the government bureaucracy, the so called community or society that is dead to the call for help and support unless one grovels in self pity and cry at the doorsteps for mercy. No Sir for me there is no way I will lay down and take the crap that is being thrown at me without taking a punch before i exit. As the former Prime Minister once asked what makes a terrorist?...Well read my story and if one day you find my name among the sinners against humanity know that it is not all politics or the quest to be number one, it sometimes is simply because...Hasta LaVista!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Humility is a bitter lesson.

The tenth of June was my wife's birthday and my children felt awkward about mentioning it to me as they did not know what my reaction would be. My daughter wrote her a card telling her mother how much she misses her and how she misses her mother's hugs and kisses. I had to console her by giving her the God has plans for evrything in life routine and that she has to make it her goal to oneday be with her mother as it is my vision to do so. I told her that everything I do is cattered towards oneday getting all three of us to Illinois to be with their mother. It may take time and this too is for a reason as my children were both spoilt shitless by their mother when she was with us but now that she is not around and we are financially strapped they will have to learn what being tough and persevering is all about in life. At least they now will appreciate their mother a whole lotbetter than when they were with her.
I miss my wife too, but i cannot afford the luxury of thinking that I can accomplish much without first getting my act together and putting me and my kids back on the track before i am too old to ride the waves. I am living on a day to day basis as far as money is concern but i am confindent that i will be where I aim to be all in good time. In the meantime I will just have to bite the bullets and grit my teeth and keep on trudging along till opportunity knocks on my door again. I have no regrets over what has been and nor will i regret for what is to come, but I know my life is just as exciting even when I am down as it gives me a whole new perspective towards what life has to offer. Life is a humbling experience and for now i am being treated to a good dose of humility and I take it a piece at a time like the medicine that I have been prescribed by the Lord of Power.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Monday morning woke up yawning...

Monday- my off day! The shcool holidays brought many visitors to the Jerejak Resort and SPA some leaving at the end of the day all excited about returning soon while others swearing that they wasted their precious dollars. I am just glad to be away from having to put up a friendly smile despite all the gaggling and bickering from the Chinese, Malay and Indian guests.
My son is still dealing with his infected eyes while my daughter is feeling bored at home with no friends of her age to spend the time with. I am still trying to deal with their school fees issue with the Education Department while getting nowhere at it. Patience is a hard act to follow and has been with me a tall order to come to grip with. The Malaysian Government bureaucracy is an entity that one does not gripe about as it is mostly run by Malays and Malays are ver well known for their sensitivity, one simply do not criticize an agency unless one is out for blood. So it make take a very long time before I will beable resolve all the paperworks like geeting my children to become naturaliuzed Malasian citizens and I might not be able to get it done in this lifetime yet. In the meantime all I can do is to tell my children that they will have to bear with the inconveniences and not get into trouble whereby they may require to produce their indentification papers. Where will all these lead on to is just part of life that i have to accept while learning from all the errors that i have made that had left me with the predicament in the first place.

This is part and parcel while on the Journey to the Lord of Power, the nuts and bolts the grist for the mill of life as it is on this material plane. This is the load one has to carry while sleeping in ignorance, the nightmare one has to deal with having claimed to be human but lack the understanding of the functioning of the Humind, the Sin for having threaded the path that is deviated from the narrow path of 'Ehdinas siratol mustakin'. The Path towrds the Lord of Truth, the knowledge of who or what we really are, Beings created from the Essence of our Lord and Creator, the Light of TRruth. The Buddha has pointed us the Way and so has the Prophets, our forefathers had tried to leave us the warning signs and by examples shared their thoughts that we may not fall into the same man-hole that they had once fell into. We are too far asleep some of us and even drive while drunk at the wheels and often than not we end up into the ditch to be dragged out by others and set back on the path still oblivious to our weaknesses and unthankful for our saving graces.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Journey to the Lord of Power

The HUMIND Solo Exhibition at the ANB-UMRO USM Building has come to an end and it has been an enlightening experience and by Allah's Grace a profiatable one at that. I have been able to establish myself among the Art Patrons as well Artists in Penang while making a good friend or two in the process. It could have been more exciting had i have the time to do some demos while I had the exhibition but time would not permit it especially while working full time. The Gallery was oddly enough closed most of the weekends and kept to working hours which did not give much chance for those who made it to the show on weekends.
My daughter is now back living with me as the place where she was staying with her cousins has become impossible for her to stay at. This is because one of my cousins who is hard core drug addict has been released from the rehab center and will be staying at the house. Almost everyone of my cousins who lived at the house has moved out for fear of their well being. How sad that families have to go their separate ways due to one jackass who has burned his brains on drugs and there is nothing anyone can do about it not even the government social services department. One incident after another has proven my cousin the addict to be a threat to others and this has been reported to the health department, the police department and whoever else that would or could intervene but no one responds ro the plight of my uncle's family.
Now that I am broke again the Education Department has decided to send me the long awaited reply to my children's school fees issue. In short i am to 240RM each for my children's education which is fees for foreign students. If I could evaporate from this life i would just to avoid getting into this mess again but i am nailed to the floor and the system has got me by the balls. Well it is yet another Test for me to walk through without getting all riled up and walk through I must even if it takes me till my doomsday to solve this Residency status for my children. I scream loud enough perhaps someone may hear and heed my cal for help but in the mean time it is back to ask my cousin Ahmad kalam again for his assistance.
Hey I am lucky I am not living in Jogjakarta right now! The erthquake there a few days ago claimed five thousand odd lives and left untold numbers in the dark. I am sitting here typing this Blog for no one in particular and sipping my lemon tea and my daughter is doing the same at the next console at the syber cafe where indian kids are battling themselves with the latest computer games. I should count my blessings and if i am grateful enough for all that i have been given in this life i might even get to do my Master's Degree at the USM! Hey! I am after all the Sultan of Knowledge and the Lord of Wisdom! So what am I crying about?
So on we go...rambling away untill the break of dawn for there is none to compare for he who is on the road to the LOrd of Power.