Thursday, May 25, 2006

The true mark of a spiritual man is to know himself, to understand his limits and to act in accordance to his limitless power. He is immune to the external influences and reacts to no instigations from without, his mind is free from the laws that governs the material plane. A truely spiritual man is a very rare individual who walks the earth but is not affected by it, who picks the lotus without getting his fingers wet. The Prophets of Allah MUhammad (SWS), Isa (As) and Musa (As) were among the spritual men of the Judeo Christian Tradition, The Buddha, Lao Tzu and Thoth (Trimejestic) were of the others including men like the Maharshi and Sri Yogananda, men whose life was absorbed in the quest for the ultimate Truth.The Truth that liberates man from his worldly dimension and set him in the realm of the Devine, the realm of Light or Enlightenment.
Throughout the history of man we have been striving for the achievement of an understanding of our true nature our what or who we are and what is our reason for our being here. The scientific as well as the humanistic schools of our academical institutions have left no rocks unturned and spared no expense at attempting to unravel the mysteries that has eluded us from the dawn of time overcoming our ignorance that has shrouded the truth and veiled the Light that we seek. Every Scientific discoveries, every mathematical equation, every spiritual awakening that man has accomplished has set our foot closer and closer to the Ultimate Truth. Throughout history schools of thoughts and sacred religious sects have kept an ongoing vigil over the texts and wisdom of the ancients handed down from generation to generation in the hope that one day the Truth would be revealed. Ancient texts and hidden scrolls, sacred symbols and monumental constructions has become road maps for man to piece together the jigsaw puzzle that would hopefully one day be pieced together to give us a clear picture of who we are.
Those of us who pray and those of us who worship daily our various Gods. those of us who are thinkers and free thinkers, those who contemplates and meditates, who chants and evokes the spirits of our ancestors; we all have one aim and that is to find our way to the Truth. To lead our minds and spirit on to the sacred path, to unleash our hidden potentials our Devine rights as prescribed by the ancient texts and codesand the covenants. In this day and age we have arrived at the junction whereby the Truth is about to be revealed either by the Miracle of science or that of Religion failing either of this we stand to be sucked into the vortex of the dark hole of ignorance forever. Man will soon be made to choose between the Light or of Drakness, the line between the two is slowly being drwan in the deserts of the Middle East and the Pacffic ocean. The next war will not be a war of territorial claims but of man's own struggle against himself that of spiritual or that of material, his soul is at stake and the battle between Heaven and Earth, Light and Darkness, Wisdom and ignorance. To coin it in the religious term for it will eventually be a religious war it will be the battle between good and evil, whether it be the communist against the rest of the world or for a starter Islam against the Non Muslim world. Farfetched? Hardly as we are heading in the general direction already whether we wish to recognize it or not.
Someone once wrote about man being a tribal animal, whose one desire is to better his tribe under one banner and raise that banner against anyone he see as a threat to its well being. Man and his ideologies, man and his banner of freedom, man and his quest for supremacy over others govern by greed, hate and ignorance has set in motion the wheels of his own self destruction. His soul is at stake and the suffering of untold millions and millions will be the fruit of his crowning glory. History teach us nothing, the words of the ancient will only be echos of distant past for gradually we will become deaf and dumb to our own inner voices of love and compassion of our Light of Being.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Beatrice Gorst in Loving Memory

When I first arrived in the United States I lived with mother in law and my wife's younger sister on Shawano Avenue, in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The house we lived in had a huge bay window and one day as I sat watching GILIGAN's Island on the TV and enjoying the warmth in the living room thanks to my mother in law, I was struck with wonder as I watched huge snow flakes falling from above outside. It was sometime in september the approach of winter and the end of fall that time of the year when most of the trees have shed their leaves leaving naked branches against empty grey skies. For those who ar used to seeing this phenomenon year in year out of their lives like the people of Green bay, seeing large cotton balls drifting down from the sky is nothing to write about, but for me it was an awakening experience as I had never seen snow in my life except on the TV or in movies. I was mesmerized and the next thing I knew I was rushing out of the house in my sarong and T-shirt and barefooted I headed out the back door. The last thing I heard before I exited was my wife calling out after me from the kitchen sink. I must have looked very silly to the regulars at the Farr's Grove Tavern whirling in circles with my head turned upwards and my tounge sticking out trying to catch the snow flakes as they drift on to my face.
I was twenty six years of age and had a four month old son, married in Malaysia to my American wife from Stevens Point, Wisconsin and due to the difficulties I was facing in Malaysia being married to a foreigner I had decided to take my chances of making a better life in the US. The Malaysian Immigration department was a sore in my butt and my wife was being prejudiced against where she was teaching which was making her life miserable on top of being married and pregnant in a foreign country where she can only depend on the compassion of my own friends and relatives. She was a lecturer at the MARA Institute of Technology in Shah Alam where she taught Business Managemnet. Afte a few months there she started complaining to me that a few of the female teachers were unfriendly towards her including her roomate then. I felt helpless in the matter as I was working in Penang at the same time and was only able to visit her on holidays. My wife lost her cheerfulness after a while and often I would find her in tears, I then decided to pack it up and try my luck in her homeland where i thought at least she will be happier and I will be the one who has to put up with the hardship that we might encounter.
It was in 1973 and I was working at Hegermeyer Trading Company ablock away from whereI am having my present Solo Exhibition in Penang, my wife was most happy whenever she came to visit me. I was not making much but between our salaries we were able to buy an old beat up VW to move around. When we finally decided to make our move to the US we had to sell the VW and with the help from my Mother in law Mrs Beatrice Gorst who sent us some money we were able to buy two flight tickets back to the US.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Worked some extra hours today as my replacement decided to take a medical leave and so I decided to take it easy the rest of the night by visiting my friend and mentor Cikgu Yusof who gave me a few invalubla lessons on deep spiritual breathing and the moving of energies while focussing on the Names of the AlMighty. I have learned something very significant in my spiritual search, something that I have not understood before. It in some sense a practice of self affirmation like the one that I had been carrying with me since I read the book "The Master Key" by Frank Haarnell if I am not mistaken abook I had taken with me to the United States when I first left Malaysia sometime in 1973. I borrowed the book from my late friend Rahim whose picture at the moment is looking down at me while I am writing this for i am using his daughter's PC. The book was bvorrowed from Cikgu Yusof by Rahim who had received it from his friend the father of the former Deputy Prime Minister, Dato'Sri Anuar Ibrahim. Cikgu has never forgiven Rahim for loosing the book and now that he knows that i had the book he will never forgive me for loosing it to someone else in the United States.


Or something to that effect and i kept it as my Mantra eversince I could remember, returning to it even after years of forgetting the Zikr. But I now realized that what I had been practicing has been in consistant with the teachings of what I am being instructed by Cikgu, only he has upgraded the right method and put it in a more sublime level. In the Zen tradition Cikgu would fit well in the Rinzai sect in appraoch where the strive for instant enlighten ment is practice through dropping bombs, thought shouts and slaps through shock therapy treatment of the HUMIND. I practiced Dogen's Soto Zen which is more gradual and not as spontaneous. I prefer the Soto school in approach as it allows me the time to be compassionate towards myself as well as others, I am in no hurry to become liberated from this life mental or phisical, not till I heve exhausted all my options and truly run out of steam to burn any more bridges behind me.
I have two children who requires my attention yet and they as well their elder brothers one in the US and the other in Switzerland deserves some form of conclusion on who or what their father was so that they can reflect upon my thoughts and actions an learn to avoid the pitfall I fell into while living this life of a true seeker or a charlattan. I learn quite a while ago to reach by example when it comes to my children and this I believe is the reason why I like to keep my journals and now writing this Blog. Not all my examples are impeccable and not all are without merit but if they ever read my writing or browse through my journals and perhaps noticed how I have been able to stay afloat despite the odds or fall flat on my silly
ass at times. they might have learned a litlle about their father and his ways in life.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Just finished reading Narnia by C.S.Lewis a book that i had always wanted to read after seeing it being made into a movie. I found the book at the most odd place when I have forgotten all about it. One evening when after having my dinner at the staff canteen at Jerejak Resort and SPA I decided to take my Nepalese helper to the Housekeeping Department and ask for new uniform shrts as his was weather beaten. When I got there I notice a few books sitting by the door and the top most book was Narnia, too good to be true i asked the Housekeeping department head whose it was and he asked me if I lkiked to read and I told him most definitely, you can have it he said, it was left behind by one of the guests. I was estatic but tried hard not to show it, but inside me I was telling myself what a find! The book in Malaysian currency must cost at about 120RM which I most assuredly would not pay for any book these days.
It is a great children's adventure story in fairytales of Aslan the Lion and Narnia the kingdom he created, it was the story of children slipping in and out of fantasy lands of imaginations troguh doorways and clossets. This is not the J.R.Tolkien trilogy of Lord Of the Rings where the adventure involves no time tripping but actually takes place to those who belong to the same environment. I was pleasantly surprised that Lewis and Tolkien knew eachother. Now that i ave read all their books I am happy to see that my son has began reading Narnia, he tried Lord of The Rings but found it harder to read. I hope he picks up the habit to read soon.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Talking brought me here...

There was a hunter out hunting deep in the African bushes and he stumble upon a human skull all bleached out with empty eye sockets with darkness staring out from some where deep within. "And what brought you here?!" yelped the hunter taking one long leap backwards. "Talking brought me here!". answered the all bleached out skull. "What brought you here?". the hunter, "Talking brought me here!". the skull.. and on and on.
"WOW!" the hunter ran all the way back to the Karaal where his folks came from and headed straight for the main Karaal where the number one Chief resided with his wives numbering it was said at about 52 strong and healthy beauties. The chief listened to the hunters' story about a talking skull in the forest. Being a busy man that he was what with running the community and not enjoying enoguht sleep at nights, finally gave in to the hunter's urgingings for the chief to leave all his comffort and walk all the way into the forest just to witness a talking skull.
They at long last arrived at the sighting site and approached the bleached sitting on the ground staring out with its lifeless black stares.
"And what brought you her?!. What brought you here!?, pleeese, What brought you here.."
No Answer! The hunter rolled and grovelled on the ground the skull, picked it up and tossed it into the air and even irreverently almost used it as a soccer ball if not for the deadly stare from the Great Cheif.
The moral behind the old bleached out skull story is that where there was once a skull now there is two-know when or when not to open your mouth or you might end up loosing your head.

I spent the day at the Amro-USM- Gallery where the HUMIND Solo Exhibition is still going on. I took a long walk to the Pinang Gallery at the Dewan Sri Pinang Kompleks,there are many greAT WORKS IN THE MAIN GALLERY AND THE SAD THING IS THAT NINETY PERCENT OF THE WORKS ARE BY cHINESE ARTISTS FROM IN A ND AROUND PENANG.
At the risk of feeling prejudiced it is my feeling that the Art Scene IN Penang is dominated totally by Chinese Artists and Art clubs, well sponsored and financed by their patrons who are more sensitive to the plights of the artists and the connection between art and the preservation of cultures. The artist in any culture as it was in the native American culture, was the preserver and keeper of the cultural spiritual records of a society.He is the watcher an obserever who stands on the fringe of village lost in his own world while making comments of his life in relation to his community.
The Artist takes the next step into the unknown for the benifit of his community or his tribe seeking and documenting what else is out the there in the wilderness and the unconcious HUMIND. He becomes the Quest Master, Vision Hunter and embarks upon a journey of self discovery. Int eh never, never land of Neverland, in thedistant mountains of Mount Doom, on top of the Messa in the City of Rock area of Danning, New Mexico, standing naked to the bone and dancing around the fire to the distant howlings of the coyote and the starlit skies. The Artist is the lamb when there is a sacrifice needed to be offered to appease the Gods, for he is the most expendale to a society in times of great tragedies. N'Artist is he who walks among his people no different than a prostitute peddling his wares and self esteem to stay alive in a real man's world. The Creator has given the true believer a gift of being able to see life,live it and document it and Hu out of Hu's infinite Compassion made him an artist.
I always wanted to be a pilot, fly a plane, but I am never to fly my own plane instead my son flies for and Ailine in the US! Oh well, at least my wish has been granted through my son. I was always fascinated by engineering and whenever I enter a machine shop or some big factory I thought to myself, man, what would it feel like to have all that knowledge and do all that work. I became the Yard Boss at H and H Ships and Environmental Services at 220, China Basin, in San Francisco. There was a point in time when I was asked to design what I needed for the whole Yard part of the facility to meet the California State Legislation Standards of Operations in Hazardous Waste Management facility located in downtown SF water front area. I got to understand what engineering was all about at least wthe what it takes part if not what you can do part.
I used to wonder what it was like working on a construction site day in and day out in the hot humid environment of Malaysia and had actually wished to experience this and I did. I became the Health and Safety Manager for three different major construction companies in Malaysia. Ibai Bina Sdn.Bhd. in Kerteh, Van Seumerren Romstar in Kerteh and Gebeng and Autoblast in Kerteh where the Patronas refinery complexes are located. I worked among the Vietnamese, the Bangladeshis and the Inians from India, the Iban from Sarawak and the Malays and the Chinese and the Indians from Malaysia, my bosses were Koreans, Americans and British and the Patronas management team. "Safety First" "We Make It Happen", was our slogan. For two and half years I was earning the highest salary I had ever made and fulfilling my wishes, to feel what it was like to work on a construction site and in this case not just any site.
As the saying goes, careful what you wish for in your life for the mind is far greater a planner than we know and take it from one who has tried his utmost to document everything and anything worth documenting about his existance. I realize that it was just a matter of time that every wish made or suggested to the HUMIND will manifest into reality whether we realize it or not. Now that you know perhaps wishing for the good things in life to happen to you or to someone you love or even the Universe is not such a far fetched undertaking. So hey!, lets join hands and embark upon a vision quest to find our one true wish for everlasting Peace.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The First Of May

And Guese Who'll Cry Comes First of Mayyy!!, the Bee Gees. One of those songs that had stuck in my mind because The First of May in 1988 I was in Malaysia on a visit from the States, I had to pick up my Uncle's body placed at the back of his Van and drove him home or his expired body and later the next day helped to place his body in the ground. I was eating my dinner while watching TV at Ma'Cik's house, my mother's younger sister living then on top of Brown Garden and along came a stranger and told me that I need to go and drive my uncle's body home to his house. I was stunned! But I did what needed to be done and felt for the loss of my adopted father on the First of May leaving behind eight children, the youngest at not yet one. Tis was one First of May I will have a hard time dropping from my mind it is only through relating my feelings now having written as often in the Ramblings of the Cheeseburger Buddha that i am beginning to find some relief from my deep rooted Karmic consequences, born through Body, Speach and Mind from beginningless time, Greed, Hate and Dellusions...
One the First of May in 1981 I left Green Bay, Wisconsin en route to Sand Point, Alaska with my new found friend Rbert Sergei, a photographer cum Commercial Fisherman who spends his summers in the Alleutian Ilses. We stopped over along the way out of the State of Wisconsin a a small town of Little Suamico and there together with a group of friends who got together to grow five hundred baby plants as a conservation effort. When I left Green bay that day I had burned all my bridges behind me. No more relationships, no place to return to the farewell has been said, I left for Alaska with just enough money to get me there and even then I had to borrow US87 dollars from Robert to make payment for flight ticket on the final law of our journey and that was from Anchorage, Alaska to the small Aleut fishing town of Sand Point out in the Baring Sea. That is a whole different story to be told in yet another chapter of the Ramblings of CBB.

My present left for the US together with my two children sometime on the 2nd of May in 2004 and my show opened one year almost exctly I was ponted out the fact by my daughter one evening in Brown Gardens. The few weeks as I watch my wife deteriorate physically as well as mentally was when i painted the piece I call the Big Bang! I know that watching me paint the big paintings was a comfort for her it was something she can relate with. I completed almost ten canvasses when I was living in Terengganu and I did them sometimes despite the pressures we as a family were enduring. My triumph on this First of may of 2006 is to share them with the world and together with most of my sketchbooks laid out for anyone to browse through allowing them for a peek into one human mind (HUMIND). How strong or how fragile we are, how close or how far that we are, why we are and who really are at the End of Days. For those who find the time and the opportunity to share this exhibition can find a small gift here and there that I know will help them in some small wat to deal with their unfulfilled dreams and ambitions, to not despair. There is always a silver lining behind every dark cloud and if only we have faith in ourselves to make it happen. My efforts has always been focussed in the issue of turning succesout of defeats, a grace rather than a curse and thus the Month of may will be a successful Month from henceforth and so it wqill be and Guese who'll laugh comes every First of May...Ain'Sha'Allah... with the Hu's Wiil.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


When is it? I know it is in the next few days if not tomorrow, anyways, where would we be without mothers! Oh some of us us hates her and some love her more than their own selves, I mean where would we be without mothers?? She is overweight and she nags too much, she serves our fathers like he is the Lord of the House and she lets her voice be heard for those who watches too much TV.. Crayon Shin Chan or Doraemon...but do we care? Nope she loves us that she worries sick when we are ill and she moeks sure we had our breakfast and lunch and she is will the wrath of our fathers to protect us when needs be.
There was a time in my life when I thought my mother despised me for being born when I was not supposed to... I was the second child who even my Auntie the Midwife did not anticipate the coming of,I was an unwelcomed child for everything needed for a delivery was prepared only for one child and no one suspected that we were born twins, a half an hour between us and He came first. My parents could barely support five kids at the time and along I decided to join the clan. Bad timing and a price to pay in the later part of my life as I have learned. One consolation is that I was later adopted by my mother's younger brother who was then still single and had me take cre of by my mother's younger sister who was also then single. Alhamdullilllah for I was the blessed one for my life was alot more comfortable compared to my twin brother's. I lived apart from my immediate family till I was twelve years old...I was a bloody pain in the ass to everyone when I was growing up.
But I was writinbg about mothers not my self, and so I will continue on with my story about the one thime when I was really pissed at my Mom. It was when I was about sixteen or seventeen attending my Secondary school in Terengganu. It was late at night about two or three in the morning and I was sitting in the living room with my fingers all covered with glue and pieces of paper and coated with acrylic paint. I was working on my collage piece cutting away my eldest brother's collection of PlayBoy Magazine to make a picture. I was getting good at it and enjoyed the time especially when I sold one or two to my school teachers. Then my mother who was sleeping next room came out of her room turned off the light and went back to bed after slamming the door shut behind her. She shut the light out of my desire or passion to create, I did not have anything to do with Art for the next ten years of my life till I was in West Allis near Milwaukee, Wisconsin where iw as working as a Meat cutter at Peck Meat Packing Plant downtown Milwaukee on 17th.Avenue in 1974.
I told this story at the oppening of my HUMIND Solo Exhibition when invited to deliver a short speach. My point was to impress upon the mothers present and the fathers' too the importance of knowing their limits in punnishing their children and the wisdom in doing so. I was trying to share with all those who were present the importance or creativity and the lack of it among our children today was they are more and more getting sucked into the TV tube.
It is almost two weeks now that my show has been on and so far I got many complements from all those I managed to persuade to visit it. I happeared in Three National Newspapers here and each wrote their own version of what or who I am and among them the STAR Newspaper did a good writeout which I am honored to be recognized so by their reporter and the fact that they alloted me almost one whole page except for a small advertizement column. It does feels good to be recognized by the Media no doubt and I feel great inside knowing that I have come thus far with my works. I am forever greatful to those who helped to make it such a dream comew true. The Director Muzium and Arts Gallery at the University Sains here in Penang who has been the prime mover of the success of the show, Encik Hasnul Jamal B.Saidon, a great artist and painter himself who wrote a elloquent piece for my show printed on the brochure.


Which past life are you talking about?? my niece Azwin asked as she read the last lines, she just walked in with a bunch of Groceries.
And now it is time to retreat as the room has become too noisy even fro me to concentrate...Thanks MOM!
To My Mother and to my wives Nancy and Faye Bahari (The later was my first marriage that took me on this journey by her grace).

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The HUMIND Solo Exhibition

The HUMIND Solo Exhibition at the University Sains Art gallery on Beach Street or leboh Pantai has been on for almost a week now. It has received good reviews from two or three press articles which is pleasantly surprising and makes you feel like at last you have reached the Summit of the Mystic Mountain or perhaps just a higher plateau in the scale of life.
They had hung a banner above one of the doorways which has the word HUMIND and my face on oneside and when I first saw this I felt like I have reached home at least with my artistic endeavors throughout this life. Now my journals as well as my art works are being laid bare for all to see, to share and to ponder upon. I have done as best I could given the circumstances of my life at the moment but it could have ebeen alot more better had I the means to have the works professionally framed for as it is they are only stretched most of them. Given the situation I must be thankful for the Grace of Allah in making it all happen and i am grateful to Encik Hasnul, director of the USM Muzium and Gallery whose kindness I can never repay for without his confidence in me this show would not have become a reality. The rest of the USM Muzium and Art staff members who were responsible in putting it all together including restretching many of the larger canvasses.
The reception at work over my solo show has been just as encouraging at least from those who are genuinely intrested in art.